THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LXII, Issue 167, 17 July 1931, Page 6

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.) Dear M.A.T..-seo«men in New Zealand scan the names of the Scottish cricket team, which £ playing LONELY playing The other names McTAVISH. are: Alexander. Ku. .Tone*. Nicholson. Anderson. Simpson. Tod. Watson Baxter ami Hiddleston. Some of them may be true boots but it seem, that both Yorkshire and Vales are acting. It reminds me o a cricket team of long ago. It had at. U Scottish flavour. The team was: Mckaj U>. Mclnnes and McPhee.—M.A.C.

Reference herein to people who look like waxwork and waxwork that looks like people takes one in thought to the dear, dead J; jj > beyond recall when tne THE WAX LADY, old markets (somewhere in the vicinity of tne Town Hall) existed. Dogs. cats, hens and waxwork were equally visible in various part* of those ancient buildings, and the waxworK exhibition was most popular, especially a=, u was diluted at intervals with vocalism by* tenor we loved to listen to. Immediately in, dt the door was a figure of an exceedingly pmi? "irl s-taring immovably at the patrons a* the} came in. "in her arm was a bundle oi programmes and hung around her neck was a ticket with the word* "Please Take OnePresent old-timer (who at the time was a mnel vounger timer) delicately took one. *.»■- pence* please! - ' said the waxwork lady.. vvakin o up and smilins in a fascinating manner.

Dear M.A.T..—Ee primitive jokers, one or the most successful of hoaxes in Auckland was the famous Thomas Collins one many years ago. On the door ot an TOM COLLINS, empty office in High Street -was put up a printed notice, "Thomas Collins, Agent/' and underneath a card, '•Back in Half an Hour \\l sorts of scandalous stories were npieaa round hotel bars about certain men and in each case attributed to Thomas Collins. Tradespeople were seen waiting at the ollice for the return of" Thomas Collins, who. needless to state, never appeared. Finally, the owner of the office took down the cards ana put up a notice that Thomas Collins had never occupied the place. This recalls the story that away back in the early days 01 Auckland a prisoner for debt was urgently wanted outride to act as an accompanist a: a concert. It is stated his presence was secured by a bogus cash bond, witnessed by an equally bogus justice of the peace, yclept "lhoma= Collins/'

In these burglarious times the lot of the unprotected woman is not enviable. Old devices unable bv spinsters of Victorian days come again. Ladies unencuinBURGLARS. bered with household men naturally turn to these devices, and in some houses lacking man-power you will find well-worn male hats of large size hung immediately inside the hall door. The presence in an un-manned household of a pair of larcre working boots, together with a heavy walking stick, have been known to stop a burglar and render the quivering females immune from harm. From time immemorial, too, unattended ladies have on retiring gazed beneath the bed, fearful and hardly ever hopeful that intruders lurk thereunder. And one is informed of the ease of a lady who, while in the upper story of a dwelling heard unmistakable sounds of an intruder. At the time she was alone. Her first thought was to make a noise like a crowd, and so she assumed her own heaviest pair of shoes and pulled another pair on her hands. Then she backed to the stairs and clattered down feet and hands, bumping every stair noisily. It is presumed that the burglar, fearing that a whole platoon of heftv men was clattering down after his life, scooted for safety at once. At least when the lady arrived at the foot of the stairs she found a bag containing a large quantity of her goods which the scared burglar had colleated and intended to take away until he was scared off the premises by the sound of the host (consisting of a six-stone-six lady) coming to exterminate him.

The American man who Invented the universal yell "Stop! Look Out for the Engine!" got ten thousand dollars for doing; it. The poor , chap, howSTOP, LOOK, ever., invented it for railLISTEN. way lines with trains on them and was never in New Zealand. One of one'e fondest literary memories is of a hole in the earth from Thames to Paeroa, punctuated among the blackberries en route with this expensive and universal sign. For a quarter of a century the less intrepid drivers of gigs and other rampageous vehicles stopped and listened among the blackberries., but the Pvip Van Winkles gradually moved on without danger from the New Zealand Railway Department. This remarkable prophetic foresight is again in evidence at the level crossings on the route of the South Main Trunk line. In this case the splendid signs are there, but the lines have not been laid. The "Maiiborough Express" mentions that a≤ Maiiborough people have been looking for the engine since IS7O a little more waiting won't do 'em any harm. Perhaps you remember the little dribble of work that' took place when a North Island Main Trunk line was promised. When the Government finally decided to really go ahead, one of the chief difficulties was to find the tunnels that had already been bored. The tunnels had been so long stopping looking out for the engines that they were" entirelyhidden in vegetation, and it was a boon for bushmen as well as borers.

We regard with a chuckle of satisfaction the extension of the tramway system, while some relatives elsewhere cheer and break into verse while the tram THE DEAD TRAM, tracks are being torn up and buses substituted. For instance, here i≤ a yard of stuff in a Suffolk paper singing the dirge of the Lowestoft trams. They had been running for thirty years. The last tram to run was driven by tne driver who drove the first one. On the front of the tram so soon to be laid at rest in its little tomb was a wreath of lilies surrounded by .. black border and bearing an m memoriam card: This is the last of the poor old trams, l neyve d«ne their job when the last door slams. tor years they've rolled you black and blue, >ow they 11 get peace, and so will you. Following the last electric vehicle" came one Of the new supplanting buses, and ratepayers got a free ride for the first and probably the last time in their lives. Lowestoft is a town of about twenty-five thousand people. The old trams have "carried eighty million passengers (or rather the same people eighty million times) and have done eight million miles. But the rummiest thing of all in the record is that the trams have never killed anybody and there has never been a serious accident in thirty years. Another point is th..': the men who dug the tracks up and relaid the roads for buses were drawn from unemployment ■bureaux. It took a month to dig the rails up and to recondition the tracks for the buses. THOUGHTS FOR TO-DAY. There is onlv one thins worse than injustice, and that is justice without her sword in her hand.—Oscar Wilde. Subdue your appetites, my dears, and you've conquered human nature. —Charles Dickens.