THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LXII, Issue 151, 29 June 1931, Page 6

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.) A Nelsonfan has made a provocative statement. Says he: "Coates and Forbes ought to get together and hand New Zealand back to the Maoris with a letter THE DARK HORSE, of apology for making such a d mess of it." Assuming the gentleman to be serious as to the abandonment of the country to its former owners, the idea is capable of immense expansion. Mr. Hoover, for instance, might relinquish the Government of the United States to the Bed Indians, immediately asking them what they were going to do about Al Capone, the celebrated bootlegger, his five hundred "killers," and the noble army of celebrities so much admired, and who apparently "bump off" some thousands of people per year in the way of business. It is admitted that neither General Smuts nor General Hertzog in Africa has been an unqualified success. It remains only for them to relinquish the Government of the country to a Hottentot Cabinet, with an Upper House of Zulus and Matabeles and instructions to clear up the Augean stables with assegais. Then consider what a frigLtful mess our wliite brethren in Australia have made of that excessively large island. The obvious cure for all this misgovernment is to hand over Canberra and the rest of the continent to the blackfellows who once owned the whole outfit. There is no doubt that a dark Cabinet of unclothed gentry cooking snakes and opossums "on the floor of the House" would add a spice of romance to the government of any country.

It is difficult to suppress a natural admiration for men who, despite hard times, make a living by sJieer artistry. There is the touching local story of the AN ARTIST. short, sturdy gentleman with the small feet who took to burglary as a spare-time hobby, but who has now made, it a profession. He is entitled to our respectful and affectionate regard for his taste in localities. He has the true artistic touch. He hops from sweet to sweet like a butterfly. How immensely intriguing it is that this genius has on several occasions been unhappily obliged to leave his shoes behind. There are those who affect to believe he desired to make some recompense to the authorities for the trouble he has given them, until it is pointed out that no constable wears number threes. It is affecting to know that even under adverse circumstajices this gentleman has been able to effect his amiable purpose by taking a ladder from one house to get into another, showing presence of mind of a most fascinating descriptions Disappointing, however, to hear that this unique citizen who is rivalling our cricket team and the All Blacks as a sportsman, had to enter nine dwellings before he could collect two shillings. It is mentioned that he has been scrupulously careful to avoid identification during the nights in which he works, not leaving his address in any bedroom and refraining even from posting his photograph to the police. The admirable ekill with which he has entered rooms while the inmates are sleeping is affecting in its quiet artistry. Like most artistic people, this admired worker desires to be distinctive. He does his work hatless, but has his hair brushed well back. You see, he never knows the moment when thousands of ardent admirers of his skill may desire to form a queue to shake hands with their darling.

In the matter of medals, discussed slightly herein, there seems no doubt that the thing is overdone, as those who have no medals will agree. They range from "DECORATIONS innumerable foreign deWORN." corations conferred by States on officers those States have never seen, to the jingling silver wrested in a sprint race. The fact that no sailor or soldier can possibly avoid earning medals if he goes to a war reminds one that for.ten or twelve thousand years the warriors of the earth fought and died and were buried without decorations of any kind. The habit of conferring these silver boons is related to the universal passion for decoration. The higher a man rises in the art of Avar the more decorative he becomes and the more he clatters as he moves through the scenery. An admiral with three rows of medals and clasps is almost deafening as he moves, while an accomplished bowler, runner or footballer is in his sphere when decorations are the order of the evening equally clamant. The relative value of decorations is not always a matter of discrimination to the undecorated. For instance, there was the "Punch" picture of the territorial parade during an inspection by a distinguished general. He found an apparent recruit with a glittering ribbon on his tunic and asks him how he came to earn it. "I won the prize for the biggest pumpkin at the Agricultural Show, sir!" he answered proudly. There is the other picture story of the officer who is wearing the V.C. The American girl says to him: "Say, Captain Gore, how did you come to win that dinky little cross?" And the V.C. replies: "Oh, for pullin' some silly rotter out of a bally hole, don't you know."

The other day there was a sexagenarian without rheumatism. He liad never load any. Sciatica was an unknown quantity, lumbago had ever been absent, A WICKED PAIN, and ae for the wicked, wicked rheumatoid arthritis, he had never even heard of it. And he said to the creaking gate ten years younger than himself (talking of the way working men won't work nowadays) that in his younger days his habit was to toil at drains usually up to his knees or further in slush or water. Mentioned, too, that he got seven shillings a day for it; further, that di - ain-diggere used to wind bits of rag between their toes to palliate the grit and pull their hobnail brogans over the rags. Again, he averred that from turn-to to knock-off (say, nine or ten hours) the drainers used to stay in the drain and the water, even for lunch. Used to stand up in the water and lean against the bank and eat. If one climbed out for lunch the cold wind made a man feel like Iceland. And it occurred to one that it is impossible to get rheumatism if one isn't put down for it by an angry Providence. Countlese millions of pounds and tens of thousands of people are outed by "the screws," and nobody has really given them a knock-out yet. Still, medical men are after them. Some people believe that you can get any of the above specialities by having bad teeth or sitting in a half-filled drain, but Dr. Russell Cecil says nay. Dr. Russell Cecil has tracked a vile little microbe of the vicious family Streptococcus, stuck him in broth for a fortnight, and found him to be a ball-shaped bug. When Cecil and others find out all about this little villain they are going to kill the Strepto-etc, and the disease. All that appears to be wanted are some monkeys to try the bugs on. It is suggested that a millionaire with rheumatism shall bur a few good monkeys and give them to the people who are hot foot after those streptococci.

THOUGHTS FOR TO-DAY. It is belief in to-morrow that makee to-day's actions worth, while and yesterday's history significant.—Anon. You can't see beauty with miserable eyes.—H. G. Wells. Excuses are the patches with which we seek to repair the garment of failure —George Eliot. —- b