THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LXII, Issue 117, 20 May 1931, Page 6

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.)

A WARNING WORD. If the people that you meet in the trams and on the street ' Instil in you a craving to do murder. If you feel you would enjoy to smite the omce With a hatchet or the nearest handy girder. If a sudden noise alarms and music hath no charms , . When rendered on the humble gramophone, If the city's thronging crowd makes you want to scream aloud, And all you crave is to be left alone. If you feel you want to grovel in the gloomier kind of novel That depicts the dark and seamy side of life, If at the family table you find you are unable To keep your hand from off the carving knife. If the running here and thither of the kiddies makes you dither, And you're feeling fearfully triste and slightly You've 3 got a fair example of our cold germ (winter sample)— . And don't you dare to come near me, my lad. —A.H. A little sob crept into the cabled story of Miss Marie Ney's loss. This New Zealand actress was entertaining convicts at Wormwood Scrubbs. Wormwood SOB STORY. Scrubbs is in north London, has a recreation ground and a whopping gaol where ladies do most abound. Somebody stole Miss Ney s jewellery from her home while she was away and somebody (sobs) rang her up to know if there was anything of a sentimental nature she desired sent back. A similar sob is observable in one of O. Henry's short stories. A murderer-burglar is telling the story to his dear old pal the detective. The burglar has shot and killed an old man whose good's he has taken, but mentions that the young wife of the murdered man was "a darling" who never batted an eyelash while he took her forty-thousand-dollar necklace, but beseeched him with tears to leave a thin little garnet rinj worth about four dollars. The burglar infers from this sentimental desire to retain so poor a thing that the lady had married the old man who was dead for his money, but that the cheap ring represented a prior flame whose memory she treasured. Noted hi a .perusal of diurnal complaints that pigs and goats have been biting the bush again. Deer have taken several mouthfuls, too,' and opossums have OUT THE GUNS! been wandering about

scratching the hark. Lethal measures have been taken against all these depredators of the bush, hut up to the moment nobody has taken any measures against gentlemen who still persist in forgetting which way the wind blows when improving farms next to kauri forests and that sort of thing. It seems never to have occurred to improvers of New Zealand to save themselves the fearful trouble of chopping and burning the forest down by leaving it to the animals to bite it to death. Apropos the pigs, which, it seems, are eating the floor of the forest, these depredators have been doing this sort of thing since Cook released the celebrated porkers, which have increased and multiplied. The early settlers with axe and firestick in hand, viewing the millions of acres of the world's finest forest, hardly ever wrote to the paper complaining that a pig 'bit down more forest than a man could burn.

Appreciative reference has 'been made here to the vagrant dog of the ferry wharf who has eluded the kind but determined efforts of the official dog collector. A DOG'S LIFE. This vagrant has obviously communicated his sorrows to a number of friends. Thus one found this morning that the official Black Maria was parked in the vicinity of the dog's happy hunting ground and was an object of distant interest not only to this kuri hut to four canine friends who had been apprised of the situation. One is unable to ascertain whether the "wanted" dog desires to turn King's evidence and to lead the more or less Airedale (he of the ginger locks), the probable collie and the two real Mungs (these are probably of an aristocratic Chinese breed) to gaol or whether he believes there is safety in numbers. At any rate, the official's relatively simple duty has been quadrupled by this amiable arrangement. If the original stray extends his search for sympathetic dog friends in time no doubt the whole vagrant dog population would be gathered together in one place, thus simplifying capture. The last forty-five would be the most difficult to catch. It is claimed in London that Mr., Charles. Chaplin is not invariably a humorist, and that when he doffs his boots he becomes the Napoleon of the films. It ROYAL GESTURE, is mentioned that on a recent occasion Mr. Chaplin and the Duke of Con naught were both in the same theatre watching a show. The audience cheered Mr. Chaplin, and the celebrated personage graciously rose and acknowledged the plaudits. It was held that Mr. Chaplin was not sufficiently courteous to the Royal Duke. Mr. Chaplin replied in print: "I was the guest of the Prince of Monaco in a box, and when acknowledging the applause of the audience I recognised the Duke of Connaught, whom I immediately expressed a wish to meet." Even if the King had been present, it is possible that Mr. Chaplin would have waived social distinction and permitted the King to leave the Royal box and to have the honour of his own societv.

There is a member of the Hawke's Bay Education Board who will go down in the simple annals of Maoriland as the man who referred to school teachers HIS SISTER. 110 longer in their teens as "old tarts." In the simple vernacular of the uncultured there is nothing at all venomous in the word "tart" as applied to a lady, for a tart is a welcome and desirable edible. It is the word "old" that is the fly in the ointment, and one is glad that the member was called to order. As girls themselves have been known to refer to their sister women as "tarts," one supposes no offence is intended. Men frequently disguise their real feelings for the ladies by calling them even more affectionate names. "This little bit of skirt," a "sheila," and a dozen other terms of endearment are used by that class of man who believes himself to be more sophisticated in the matter of nomenclature than his fellow men. It is a curious thing that a man who would refer to some other fellow's sister as "an old tart" would greatly resent this title applied to his own mother, and it is possible that' if liis fiancee, Leila, was referred to by an official in public as a "sheila" he would (again in the vernacular) "hit the roof." "Tarts," "sheilas" and other ladies usually refrain from alluding to men as blokes, coves or coots, while coots, coves, blokes or chaps at the present time range all mankind under the generic title of "joker." One notes with appreciation that should any of these terms be used by the sophisticated in the Supreme Court the presiding judge invariably affects to be perfectly unsophisticated and to solemnly ask witness or counsel for a translation into English. In the matter of appellations for women the Slang Dictionary contains seventeen alternative renderings. - WHO TOLD YOU THAT? Teacher: "What k the allotted span of man?" , Pupil: "Five foot six inches, fir,"