IN MERRIER MOOD

Auckland Star, Volume LXI, Issue 289, 6 December 1930, Page 2 (Supplement)

IN MERRIER MOOD

The prize this week goes to lan E. Allan, Cambridge, for: PINCHED I. A teacher sent' a girl for sixpennyworth of plums, telling her to be sure and pinch on© or two to see if they were ripe. Presently the little messenger returned. "'Ere teacher," she said, "'ore's yer sixpence. The man wasn't lookin' so I pinched the lot!" FRIEND OF THE CAMEL. Professor (in engineering class): What is a dry dock? Student: A physician who wont give out prescriptionsTHE ONE AND ONLY. "There is only one man," declared the politician, "who ever went to the House of Commons with the pure idea of doing his duty by his country and with the determination to carry it through." "His name! Tell ue his name!" yelled the mob. "Guy Fawkes," he replied. SURE PROOF. Quack: These pills, ladies and gentlemen, are the finest things for making one strong and healthy and increasing one's life. Voice from the crowd: What about our forefathers? There were no such

pills in their days. ' _ Quack: I quite agree with you. -And where are they now? All deadl A SUSPICIOUS CASE. "George," said the fond parent, "that isn't the watch I gave you on your birthday. If I remember correctly, the one I bought had a gold case, and the one you are wearing now is silver." "Yes, father,' 1 stammered George, "that is quite right, but—er—l was very hard up last term, and —er —er —you know, father, that circumstances alter cases." NOT WHAT HE MEANT. Iris had been sitting with an absorbed look on her face, gazing at her father. "Why did you marry mother, dad?" she asked suddenly. "Because I was a fool, I suppose," he replied. "Poor Mums," said Iris softly. "What do you mean, miss?" asked father sharply. "I mean that it was sad for mother to marry a fool, dad," explained Iris seriously. A SURE PREVENTIVE. A Scotsman who was an extremely had sailor was crossing the ,Channel from Dover, and it suddenly struck him that the best person to advise him as to theprevention of sea sickness was the captain himself. He therefore went to the captain and asked him what he should do to prevent sea sickness, "Have you got a sixpence?" asked the captain. "Aye," replied the Scot. "Well, hold it between your, teeth throughout the trip." . , HARSH WORDS. The farmer's daughter started to prac-

tise singing. One afternoon- lier father returned unexpectedly from tlie fields, and as lie ueared tlie farmhouse lie stopped and listened to the sounds coming from the house. "What's that extraordinary noise?" he inquired of his wife, who was hanging up the washing. "That, dear," she said, proudly, "is Mary cultivating her voice." "Cultivating her voice!" gasped the farmer in amazement, "that isn't cultivating, that's harrowing." ONE TO JOCK. An Aberdonian resident in London decided to take a holiday in his native city, in spite of the heavy railway fare. Taking his place in a queue at the thirdclass booking office he was at length able to inquire the price of a single to Aberdeen. "Three pounds two shillings and ninepence," said the clerk. "Would it be any cheaper to tak' a return ticket ?" asked the would-be traveller cautiously. "Five pounds thirteen shillings and ninepence," was the answer. Sandy's lips moved in a mental calculation which took him so long that a company of American tourists behind him in the queue became very impatient. "Say, boys," called out one of the tourists, "I would rather have fifty Americans in front of me than ont Scotsman." The Aberdonian looked round with a twinkle in his eye. "Aye," said he in a loud voice, "that's what the Kaiser said in 1918." {iHHWWWoaKHWXWHKIMWWMIW^

Prize for Best Story For the beat anecdote sent in each week a prize of Five Shillings will be awarded. While in judging preference will be given to local stories, contributions need not be original, but in all cases the source from which taken should be stated. The Editor's decision must be regarded as final. All anecdotes intended for competition must be received at this office by the ' Monday preceding publication. The envelopes containing contributions must be endorsed with the words "Anecdote" in the top left-hand corner, and addressed Editor, "The Auckland Star," Auckland.

Maud: "Did you call for help when '" ' he kissed you?" Marie: "No. He didn't'need any." > \y "No, we can't take a gramophone hack' 1 after a customer has had it a year. Ig there anything wrong with it? Scotsman: Aye, the needle's broke. r "I'm sure I don't know where little Jimmy gets all his faults from. I'm sure it's not from me." "No, you're right, my dear. You haven't lost any of • yours." Schoolmaster: "I have an impression in my Now, can any boy tell ' i me the meaning of impression?" Small 1 Boy: "Yes, please, sir. -An impression ; is a dent in a soft place." Daughter of the House: "Is it right - what mother says—that you are a self- • made man?". Visitor: "Yes, my dear. : But what makes you ask?" "I was only wondering what made you give youreelf '' such a funny face." t Father (to daughter's young man)j! ■ "My gas bill is greatly increased thit quarter. Do you know the reason?"

Young Man: "Perhaps there iB gomething wrong with the meter?" "ThatV just the cause. You meet 'er far too often." . The old gentleman's wife was entering > a railway carriage, and he neglected to assist her. "You are not so John, aa when I was a gal," she ex- fclaimed, in gentle rebuke. "No," waa . his ready response, "and you are not so."' buoyant as when I was a hoy." . Son (to father): "What is a rare y volume?" Father: "It's a book that comes back after you have lent it." 1 Angry Customer (in restaurant).: "Hi! I've found a tack in my doughnut!" Waiter: "The ambitious little 'thing!; It must think it's a tyre!"

A newly-married couple stopped for .... lunch at a hotel where the manager was assiduous in his attentions. For.the tenth time he sailed up. "And what can I get for you now, sir?" "Some , honeymoon salad, please." "You have . • me there, sir," replied the manager. "May I ask what it consists of?" "Just, lettuce alone." . , Johnny wanted to know why. Mr... Juggins married Mrs. Juggins. / His ' mother wasn't able to tell very clearly. . Johnny thought a while, and then asked: "Mother, why did you marry my dad?" "Johnny, I married your father because he saved me from drowning, replied his mother. "I'll bet that's why dad's always tellin' me not to go in for swimmin'," said Johnny. Si -f The teacher was questioning his class of boys on their favourite author. "And now, boys," he said, "supposing you - were making me a present of a book; what author would you choose?" When . the hand of Billy Jones shot up the . teacher was surprised, for Billy was the naughtiest boy in the class and was seldom ready to answer anything. "Well, Jones/' he said, "what author would you choose for me?" "'All Caine," was the reply, in feeling tones. A clergyman was much grieved to find. / his "special services for men only"_ were badly attended. He expressed his regret to the verger one evening when, , v as usual, they were the only-two at the A meeting. "I really think they ought to . r come," he Said, sadly. "That's jest . what I've zed to 'em over an' over again," said the verger, consolingly. sez to 'em, I sez, 'Look at me,' I sez; "look at me. I goes to all them services,' I sez, 'an' wot 'arm does they do me?"' *