MR. BEEFUM FINDS A CURE.

Auckland Star, Volume LXI, Issue 229, 27 September 1930, Page 3 (Supplement)

MR. BEEFUM FINDS A CURE.

(By MADGE KEIR.) "Oh, my dear, what diabolical weather." Mr. Beefum, his round pink face becoming slightly pinker, still feebly waved hid largo "white handkerchief at a persistent "fly that kept buzzing round his head and" he sank lower into his basket chair. "You know," he gasped, arranging the handkerchief on his face, "ho-*' you women can keep cool in such awful wrr.ther as this absolutely beats me." Niece Gertrude laid down lier, novel with a "sigh. "You reallv ought to wear a silk shirt and flannels" like" dad," she considered, stretching her neat, silk-stockingedieg out in the lawn. "I don't know," came in muffled tones from under the handkerchief. "YoU see, well that sort of thing doesn't suit my — er—well, style of figure, you know." "Ahem," niece Gertie suppressed a' smile of amusement, as she eyed his portly "style of figure," with a twinkle ill her eyes. 4i Xo. I suppose not* But of course that really doesn't matter. Last week I saw a man quite as fat as—that is, I mean, with a figure rather like yours — in a dragon-patterned pyjama-like affair, down at the beaches. If Mr. Beefum's face had been red before, it certainly got a trifle reddei under the handkerchief. And it was not all due to the heat either. He simply hated being termed, as fat. The subject of his figure was a very delicate inattei and ho winced at the reminder that he was really fat. "That doesn't matter," he snorted. "I'm not going to make a laughing stock of myself like that, my dear girl. Phew, heat wives are abominable things. You know, I believe I'd give nearly all my /property for a good permanent cure for Reeling so depressingly hot.'' '"Ice cream/' suggested - Gertie hope* jfally. "Too childish," sighed Mr. Beefum. "I mean something inexpensive and absolutely permanent."^ "Of course, you could have a sort of ice chest affair. Quite cheap really, considering." "Impossible. I want something deliciously cool as I said, not exactly freezturned back to her novel with a little sigh and Mr. Beefum sank lower into his chair. Click. , What was that? Mr. Beefunrsat upright in his chair, removed the handkerchief and wiped his pink face, vv his niece hastily smoothed her . silk drcs and tidied her hair. * "Poof." Mr. Beefum returned to his chair and replaced the handkerc le , while resumed her novel, as a dirty little raggamuffin slammed the ga e and came sauntering up the path. "Please, mister, kin I get me ball back?" Mr. Beefum raised himself languidly and frowned with * considerable cttotpproval at the youth..

"Well?" ho inquired. He could see that the boy was highly amused at the way he reposed in his chair and he was not at all pleased with his visitor's saucy grin. "Well?" he repeated. "As I was savin', sir—" * % , > "Say it and hurry up about it. "Well, as I was savin', when you said I had to say it, I was jus' goin' to say we were playing out there in front of your fence when our ball someways seemed to pop over into your garden. May I get it now, mister?" - - "Where is it ?" , "Over there by your apple tree." Mr. Beefum eyed the boy out of halfclosed eyes and then eyed the well-laden apple tree. It really was too hot to go right over there for a ball, he thought. "Well, go over and get it and be quick about it," he grunted. Mr. Beefum gave a sigh of relief and sank back into his chair again. "'Stop' hiln, uncle, stop hiih," almost shrieked Gertie. "The young thief, stop him, uncle." Mr. Beefum sprang up and pushing aside his chair, regardless of heat or dignity, sped across the path and wellkept lawns after the ragamuffin. But the boy, his pockets bulging and his mouth full, had already dashed down the tree and was a good way ahead of him already. "Come back, comc back, you young hound," panted Mr. Beefum, getting closer on his heels. Naturally the "young hound" failed to take this excel-, lent advice and rushed 011. When he jumped a hedge, Mi". Beefum did also. When he rushed through a herd of cattle, Mr. Beefum did so also, and when he rushed headlong down a steep hill and rocks, his pursuer did not fail to do likewise. Suddenly the enemy dashed down a hill as if intent on falling headlong into a bridgeless river. "Ah," thought Mr. Beefum. "He cannot fail to stop now, I will soon have him and then —." But before Mr. Beefum had time to reflect more, the flying figure in front of him swerved to one side and ducked back again, but Mr. Beefum could not stop himself and went flying onward down to the very edge of the bank. Splash! Mr. Beefum had fallen in, to the loud laughter of the little boy. Our hero's round pink face bobbed up from the water and he clutched at a piece ofgrass. "Y-you wait/ 5 lie panted to the fastretreating figure. A few minutes later' Mr. Beefum scrambled on to the bank again and stood shaking himself like a wet dog and shaking his first at the youth. As the urchin described him to his friends, he said: "He didn't 'arf look like that fat ole cat me and Toby drowned la?t vear " Whether that statement was true or not, well, I'd better not say. Some of y° u might know him. Suddenly Mr. Beefum became conscious that he was not hot any longer. He felt deliciouslv cool and pleasant. He smiled with satisfaction to himself as lie plunged into the ,cool water again. "Just what I've been wanting," he mused. "A good cure for heat at last. Bv jove. I owe more than a paltry apple tree to that young hound for that." ■■lIMIIM ——-r.—

and ask them to see what they can do for Florrie. Florrie is very independent, and usually can do for herself quite well, winking one eye and staring straight ahead with the other. Fib saw their amazement. "Oh, do come out," he said. "Florrie was flying around near the top of the steeple on Parle Street Church and something seemed to happen and she's up there flapping her wings and she can't seem to get anywhere. Come quick!" Sure enough, when they gazed upward and saw the steeple, they saw a pigeon flapping wings and yet not going anywhere. Scroggins cupped his paws around his eyes to see better. Several Commoners standing by saw him do it and thev too cupped their paws around their eyes. Soon there was a crowd. There usually is a crowd 011 the Common wherever two or more Commoners gather. "Here! Here!" said Mr. Scroggins. "We musn't stand looking. We must do something." Fib flapped excitedly, "but what shall we do?" 'Well," said Mr. Scrogging, "you, Fib, get some sparrows and pigeons and fly as fast as you can up where Florrie is !«id find out just what has happened."

the steeple, inch by inch.' The sparrow's and pigeons meanwhile were trying their best to loosen the string. Scroggins climbed up and up, surely and swiftly. Reaching the top, he felt around, and there it was —a piece of cord. He pulled, jerked, and yanked, but it wouldn't come loose. Then lie seized the string in his strong teeth and in no time at all cut through the string, and Florrie was free. What cheers went up from the ground! And what a welcome the old squirrel received when he came back for his coat, cane, high hat, and tippet. Florrie was there to welcome him. And for once in her life, she winked neither eye. She just sidled up to her old friend, looked at him, hesitated, and asked Mrs. Scroggins, "May I?" and Mrs. Scroggins said, "Of course," whereat Florrie put one wing around Mr. Scroggins an/1 gave him what was, after a fashion, a sort of hug. At that everyone cheered again. Teacher: William, Avhat arc the two genders ? William: Masculine and feminine. The feminines are divided into frigid and torrid, the masculine into temperate and intemperate.