THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LXI, Issue 220, 17 September 1930, Page 6

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MAN ABOUT TOWN.) A sport-addict patronising the Wanganui races also patronised a .hotel. He was interested and amused to meet in the hostelry a pet lamb. Inquiring into TWO DONKS. the cause of this manifes-

tation of young mutton on the-hoof, 'he was informed that the lambkin belonged to a commercial traveller and that when"the ambassador of commerce removed his samples the woolly one would go with •him. It recalled the Cairo of the .war to the sport addict. A Gippo accompanied by a elieass and the. foal of the ass was in a Cairo street. Australian supermen about to entrain for Tel el Kebir and Moascar espied the foal and coveted it. The New Zealand soldier avers , ; that the Aussies bought, the foal. It is,'however, true that.they acquired it. They presented themselves and their little prize at the Cairo railway station. The train was a train de luxe and the Aussies were surprised and indignant that they were not allowed to take their little ass in a first-class carriage, Aussies, however, have methods unknown to lesser nicn. At Tel el Ke'bir the email ass was seen on the platform drinking the eoapy water in which the . troops abluted, and at Moascar it frisked round perfectly at honithe outraged authorities being impotent. It reminds an old Aussie soldier that the first Cornstalk troops to serve- abroad did so in Egypt in the 'eighties. Although they have made deathless history since, the Auesiee on that occasion only shot a donkey that strayed into their- lines. ~

"In the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of—murder," he said. "Yes," interpolated a friend, "yesterday when I asked you to give ine a cigar - IT IS THE SPRING, ette yon gave me a nasty look." The yoiing man expanded ibis fancy. "It wasn't exactly a cold, that I had. It was a condition. Sort of thirty-five per cent below, par. Black •humour. Future nil. .Small things enlarge'd. Molehills like mountains. Work' distasteful. People said 'Good morning!' I felt they were sneering. Cheerful "blighters annoyed me with their jests. ! I felt the edge of. the paper knife and hissed. - Oh, to read their wretched names on kahikatea coffins'with tin handles! My family shunned me except on Fridays. Somebody called,my attention to the budding trees in the parks. Bah! A man called with an account. That night in a dream I threw him down seven flights of steps and buried him by candle-light, I went to a medical specialist. 'You are low in condition/ he eaid. 'Your -vitality is impaired. You should take a tonic. . He gave me a tonic —his 'bill; I took it! lam restored. I am.well! Ha, ha!" and laughed an eldritch laugh.

One- of the spare-time occupations of students of politics, who otherwise have a drab time, is to read the unparliamentary expressions which, have been WITHDRAW! . withdrawn (into the news- ■ papers). It has lately been seen that, an honourable gentleman referred to another honourable gentleman as "a weak simpleton" (ordered to foe withdrawn). "A weak and futile individual" (ordered to be withdrawn). "Weak and futile"*; (ordered to be withdrawn). "Infantile attitude of shelter" (ordered to be withdrawn). "A mere puppet" (also withdrawn). All delicious titbits for the groundlings. The honourable gentleman who withdrew all these expressions would possibly be -"perfectly satisfied at a method of -withdrawal that 'broadcasts them all over New Zealand. A member, one understands, obtains a proof of his "Hansard" speeches and may, of course, delete what he likes, so that officially he hasn't nsed any one of the expressions above quoted. Mr. Keen, to whom the withdrawn expressions.are attributed, having unsaid them, said that no words in his-vocabulary could express what he felt. The unsaid words above seem to be adequate. A member might -conceivably call another member a liar and be forced to withdraw into every paper in the Empire and be perfectly in order by referring (as has ,been done) to "terminological inexactitudes." There, too, is the excellent withdrawal of an hon. . gent., who, having called a man a liar, substituted this: "Mr. Speaker, I withdraw the term, but would present for your examination a syllogism. The Great Book has it /All men are liars.' My honourable friend is a man. Therefore my honourable friend is a —," and sat down.

A judge at some Wdltngtoii competitions t'he othei* day said that the competitors showed no nei'vouene&s whatever. It Avas the parents in the audiences t NERVOUS ~ wJio had the breeze up. AUDIENCE. Anxious relatives and friends often suffer agoniee of nervousness. One remembers a great, explorer who came to Auckland. He lectured on his amique journeys. His wife sat in a front seat. Tihe explorer was' as cool as the ice he, knew so much, a'bout. His. wife sat and looked at him furtively now and again, but for the most part sihe held her head down and looked at her handbag. At last she got up and went out. She explained that she coiild stand it no longer. Why? She thought that Douglas might break down! There is the etory of Melba. As a small girl she earig publicly for the first time at a small school concert in • Victoria. She was very proud of herself. She was anxious to know what a little cousin thought of iher: "Oh, Nellie," said the cousin, "I was terribly frightened. I thought your stocking was coming down." There is still another memory. Rosina Buckmann had come to New Zealand after her Home triumphs. She had captured London. Her father, mother and eix sisters sat in a • row and listened to iher. Eosina, suave, polished, poised, flawless, showed no. sign of stage fright. But ner family showed every sign of tihe keenest anxiety. Tihey fancied Rosina might fail before about 75 of her Taranaki critics!

Dear M.A.T., —In your column you draw a fine picture of the "cleaning up" by Nehemmh, fcut you do not point out how the affair was accomplished. BIBLICAL BANKER. Chapter v., verse 11: ; "Restore their lands and vineyards, their houses and a hundredth part of their money, corn, wine and oil." Verse 12: "And. the bankers said, 'Wo will do as you eay, Nebemiah. we will xestore." Give it a trial, bankers!—H.E.W. WHO TOLD YOU THAT? Judge's Little Daughter: "Tell me a story, daddy!" Judge's Wife: "Don't bother your father, dear. He's, had a trying day." THOUGHTS FOR TO-DAY. Conscience is the highest of all courts. — Victor Hugo. . v The best time to worry is to-morrow.- — Frank Van Eps. * * * Foresight is very wise, but fore-sorrow is very foolish, and castles are at any rate better than dungeons in the air;— Lord Avebury. .'* ♦ • He who persists in genuineness will increase in adequacy.—Theophilus Trind. • * • Thoughts are like guns —of no use unless trained <m aa objeci— ■& E. Efrng^,