IN MERRIER MOOD

Auckland Star, Volume LXI, Issue 39, 15 February 1930, Page 2 (Supplement)

IN MERRIER MOOD

The prize this week goes to Master G. H. Rush, P.O. Box 96, Dargaville, for: CHANGE, PLEASE! A little boy, sitting ifi the bus, was crying bitterly, and the 1 conductor, on ascertaining that the cause of the trouble was that he had lost the money for his fare, very kindly gave him a free penny ticket. As he turned away after performing his good deed, however, hewas halted by a small but indignant voice, exqlaiming: "'Ere — '00 d'yer fink yer a-swindlin'? It was a tanner wot i lorst!" EXPENSIVE. Landlady: You'll be careful of these vases, won't you? New Lodger: Certainly. Were they expensive? Landlady: Yes, it cost me pore dear 'usband twenty-four shies before he won the pair. HIS PRESERVER. A pilot, whilst flying, fell into a canal. A man dashed up, dived in, and brought him safely to land. "Ah, my preserver, you've saved my life," gasped the pilot. "How can I repay you, my preserver?" "Nah, then, guv'nor, that's all right, but don't kid a bloke Jcos 'e*s at a jam factory." HE DIDN'T CARE. Mother (to little boy in disgrace): If you're su£h a naughty boy you won't go to heaven, Jacky. Jacky: Well, I don't care. I've been to the Zoo,, and I've been to the Exhibi; tion, and I've been to see Father Christmas, and a chap can't expect to be taken everywhere, you know. DRY! Sandy had just received a letter from his brother Jock, who had emigrated to the States. The minister of the parish, meeting Sandy, inquired after Jock, and finished up by asking: "How does your brother like prohibition?" "Weel, he doesn't actually mention it," replied Sandy. "But I noticed the stamp on his letter was pinned on." AN AFTERTHOUGHT. Every Sunday when John came out of church his wife would be very cross with him for giving two shillings in the collection-plate. He would only say, "Mary, the Lord will repay me." One day he came in rejoicing that a friend had left him £500. "I always told you the Lord would repay me." • "Well, if you knew it was that way, you silly ass, ■ why did you not give twice as much." RETALIATION. A singer who recently passed an evening at the house of a lady stayed rather late. As he rose to go the hostess said: "Pray don't go yet, Mr. Basso; I want you to sing something for me." "Oh, you must excuse me to-night, it is very late, and I should disturb the neighbours." "Never mind the neighbours," said the lady quickly; "they poisoned our dog yesterday." JUST FRIENDS. A hotel chambermaid was tipped half-a-crown not to give away the fact that a couple just arrived were newly married, following upon her having looked into their room and found them disposing of the confetti. Going along the corridor a lady guest stopped her and queried: ( "Honeymoon couple in the end room aren't they, Mary?" • Loyal to the half-crown, Mary replied: "No, madam, you're quite wrong; they're just friends." NEARLY LOST. Little Pat and Mike were having an argument. " Ye spalpeen," cried Mike in contempt, "I could carry you up to the fifth storey in my hod." Said Pat, "I'll bet ye a dollar ye can't." The next moment he was lifted intr> the air in the other's hod and being borne up the ladder. When Mike reachcd the fourth floor his foot slipped, and he almost fell. He regained his footing, however, and reached the fifth storey in triumph. " Oi won," he cried. " Ye did that," said Pat, " but Oi had high hopes when your foot slipped." THAT SETTLED HIM. A political meeting in the village hall was being continually interrupted by a heckler in the back row. "I want an honest [answer to my questions," he roared. "Ij'll take nothing but 'yes' or 'no.' All that beating about the bush won't do for me." "Very well," said the ' exasperated speaker." "I'll try to oblige. What do you want to ask me now?" The heckler tried a very old trick on him. "Have you stopped beating your wife?" he inquired. To the amazement of the assembly the speaker shook his head. "No," he replied. "I beat her this morning." For a moment the heckler himself was speechless. "What!" lie yelled at last, "you admit that you beat her?" The speaker nodded. "Yes, I do. I beat her at golf, three up and two to play."

Prize for Best Story j| Hi- For the best anecdote sent in.each week a prize HI '"" of' Five Shillings will be awarded. While in jjj ill '" \ • judging preference will be given to local stories, liK |H contributions need not be original, but in all cases the . fjj jjj source from which taken should be stated The Editor's jjj , jjj decision must be regarded as final. All anecdotes intended ij! HI for competition must be received at this office by the jjj 111 Monday preceding publication. The envelopes contain- jjj ;jj jng contributions must be endorsed with the words ij: jjj "Anecdote" in the top left-hand corner, and addressed jjj t j|s Editor, "The Auckland Star/' Auckland. jjj ! — — 1 jh

The insurance agent advised a negro to take out an insurance policy. "You never know what may happen. And there'g your wife ta consider. "Lawdy!" uid the negro, who was thoroughly maj-ried. "I ain't any too safe at home as it ia, sail!" The applicant for a vacant house wai being cross-examined by the landlord. "What children have you?" he.inquired. "None," said the applicant. "Well, what effects have you?" At last, rising to leave the room, the applicant replied, ! "I don't think I shall annoy the neighbours, but I've got an awful squeaky fountain-pen." A Stock Exchange speculator was sitting in a friend's office. During the conversatkm, which was mostly about' stocks and shares, he informed his : friend that he had picked up a good; thing cheap during the winter. "It stood at thirty-three then, and yester- : day it touched eighty-four!" he said : "By Jove! You are very lucky. What is it?" said his friend. "A thermometer," ' was the reply. She hurried into the shop as though she had not a moment to spare. "I want a book for my husband," she said. "It's his birthday to-morrow, and I want to give it to him as a present. Show me > what you have, please," she continued, , without pausing to take breath. "I, don't want anything too cheap. He's •not very fond of sport, so don't show' me anything in that line. For goodness sake don't offer me any of those trashy; novels. Co-me naw, I'm in a dreadful , hurry. I've already wasted too much time here. "Yes, madam," replied the assistant, as he picked up a little red-' bound book. "Here's an excellent volume ; entitled, "How to Manage a Loud Speaker."

Thoughtful of Us. "Let's get;married." ; "All right. It'll cheer up the village; even if it doesn't do us any good." So Satisfying. As the express thundered through a wayside station one of the passengers, leaning out of a window, overbalanced and fell out of the train. Fortunately he landed on a heap of sand and did not do himself a great deal of harm. A porter went to the reecue. "What am I going to do now?" asked the victim, rubbing himself tenderly. The porter picked up his ticket, which had fallen to the ground. "You'll be all right, mister," he .said casually. "This ticket allows break of journey." Grief! With a face that vainly endeavoured to appear mournful and eyes that strove to produce a respectable flow of tears, Patrick Murphy O'Dolan■'strolled into a drygoods store. "I 'want ye to tell me," he murmured, "phwat the custom is for tli' wearitf iv mournin'." " "Well," mused the assistant, "of course, it varies. If it's a less near relative a hand of black on the sieve or hat; or, if it's a friend, just a black tie." For some moments Patrick Murphy O'Dolan considered. "Well," lie whispered at length, "give me a shoe lace. It's me wife's mother!" The Devil To Pay. An old Irishman who had recently recovered from a severe attack of sickness chanced to meet his parish priest, who had been summoned during his illness to administer the rites of the church to the dying, as he was considered to he near death's door. The following conversation took place: "Ah, Pat, I see you're out again. We thought you were gone sure. You had a pretty serious time of it." "Yis, yer riverance, indade, I did." "When you were so near death's door, were you not afraid to meet your God, your Maker?" "No, indade, your riverance. It was the other gintlemin."