IN MERRIER MOOD

Auckland Star, Volume LXI, Issue 15, 18 January 1930, Page 2 (Supplement)

IN MERRIER MOOD

Prize for Best Story § Hi For the beat anecdote aent in each week a prize jjj ——— of Five Shillings will be awarded. in 111 j:i ■■■■V) ——— judging preference will be given to local stories, jjj 111 contributions' need not be original, but in all caaea the [j Of ; source from which taken should be The Editor a $ !i| decision must be regarded as final. All anecdotes intended jjj 111 for competition must be received at this office by the jjj jll Monday preceding publication. The envelopes contain- jjj [if ing contributions must be endorsed with the words jjj Iff "Anecdote" in the top left-hand corner, and addressed jjj HI Editor, "The Auckland Star," Auckland. jjj

! The prize thia week goes to 0. Fletcher, 345, Queen Street, Onehunga, for: "THE IMPROVED STYLE." "Change here!" cried a. new porter at an Auckland suburban railway station as a train came in. "Changeer for Franktontemzeraramo." The stationmaster standing near ! reproved him. "Haven't I told yur before," he said, "to sing out the names of the- stations clearly and distinctly? Bear it in mind; sing them out d'ye hear." "I will sor," replied the Irish porter. And the. passengers who- arrived in the next train were considerably astonished to hear the new official singing: "Sweet dreamland faces, j Passing to and fro, Change here for Frankton, Thames and Aramoho!" A WAITING JOB. Daisy: Dick, you look like a waiter in that dress suit I Dick: I expect I do. Haven't I waited two hours for you to get ready?" ADDING TO IT. Judge: I notice that in addition to stealing this money you took a quantity of valuable jewellery. Prisoner: Yes, sir; I was always taught that money alone does not bring happiness. STRATEGY. 7 • , Jiggs: Hullo! Bought a saxophone? Jaggs: No fear; I borrowed it from the man next door. Jiggs: But—you can't play it. Jaggs, (with a wink): Neither can he while I've got it. NO NEED FOR LAWYER. Two x medical students were charged with driving to the/ danger of the public. "Have you a. lawyer?" asked the magistrate. "We're not going to have any lawyer," answered the- elder of the students. "We've decided to tell the truth." "GREW HERE." A diner in London (oop fra Yorkshire) had asked for cheese. "Waiter, waiter,, what's the matter wi' the cheese? It's all little holes." "Zat's all right, sir—Gruyere." "Well, take it away, and bring me some that grew somewhere else!" ACCORDING TO TASTE. Mrs. Bibsworth: Parents ought to study their boys' taste and talents'when helping them to choose their life-work. Mrs. Newby: That is exactly what my husband and I . did. Our eldest son was always fond of animals, so we apprenticed him to a butcher." EQUALITY. ' Her Father: But, my boy, you are too young to marry my daughter. . You are but twenty-one and she is twentyseven. Suitor: But, sir "No; at present the disparity is toq great. Better wait half a dozen year? and she'll probably be about the same age." • QUITE SATISFIED. A nigger went for a ride in an aeroplane Coney Island. When he came down he said to the pilot, "Tank you, guv'nor, for dem two rides!" "Two rides!" said the aviator. "You've only had one!" "No, massa," said the nigger, "two. Ma first and ma last." TRUTH WILL OUT. "No woman can keep a secret!" declared the man scornfully. "I don't know about that," retorted the woman. "I've kept my age a secret since I was twenty-five." "You'll let it out one day!" "Never!" she exclaimed. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty years she can keep it for ever!" NO DOUBT. At an agricultural show a man who had come across the "herring pond" and was making himself conspicuous, at last broke out: "Call these prize cattle? Why they ain't nothing to what our folks raise. My father raised the biggest calf of any man round our parts." "Don't doubt it," remarked a bystander, "and\ the noisiest." A SHORT TERM. In a Welsh mining village a member of the local cliapel was about to enter ar public-house "when he was accosted by the pastor. "Do you know where you are goiiiy, my good man?" the pastor asked. "Yes," replied the member, "to have a glass of beer." "But," said the pastor, "do you know you are going through the gates of hell?" "It doesn't matter," said the member, "they chuck us out at two."

"He comes of a, very good family.'' "Yes, and he seems to hava coma tf very long way." Manager: I hope you have been ear*- >• fully brought up, my boy? Boy (seeking work): Yes, sir. I cam*- . up in the lift. "I met your wife yesterday."- . "What did she say?" "Nothing much!." "Then it wasn't my wife." Modern Youth: You look like a. sensible girl; let's get married. Modern Maid: Nothing doing. Fm at sensible as I look. Shy Curate: Is your dog. intelligentf Pert Flapper: Rather! Here, Spot,' come and show Mr. Smith how to kiss me." Mrs. Brown: Your husband alway* dresses so quietly. Mrs. Jones: Does he?. You ought torhear him when he loses his collar: stud. ; Mr. Newlywed: Which do you prefer, boys or girls? Mr. Oldwed: Boya. My daughter* sneak my cigarettesMrs. Nagget Statistics prove that J marriage is a preventive of suicide. Mr. Nagge: Yes, and statistics also ! prove that suicide is a preventive of marriage. She: They haven't found a name for . that baby in the flat upstairs yet." Het « The one that cries so? Yes? Well, I - don't know why they haven't. Tha neighbours have called it everything r they could think of. She: How far can your ancestry ba traced? He: Well, when my grandfather resigned his position as cashier of a country bank they traced him a* far as China, but he got away. o—o — 0 wii ci lo— 11 OWWKWPQ mmuwmrwmn tm, y

"What would you like to be when you. grow up, Johnny?" "I think I'll be a soldier." "You . might get killed." "Who by?" "By ihe enemy, of course." "Well, then, I guess I had better be tha . enemy." Critic (to neighbour at concert): That woman has wonderful control over her voice. Neighbour (sadly): Yes. She's my wife. She can do anything with, her voice—except stop it. "I bought a car, and they gave ma & handsome sum on my player-piano." t "I did not know that they took player pianos in exchange for cars" "Oh, well, the salesman is our neighbour." It was the first quarrel since their marriage, and he was getting the worst of it. "Well, men are fools to- marry," he said bitterly at last. "Of course they are," she answered. , "But what are women to do? There's nothing else they can marry." Lawyer: You say that your wife has , received a letter informing her of some misdeed in your past life. Perhaps tne • best thing would be to confess. Topson: I would. But I don't know what to confess. She won't let me see tne ■ • letter. Mr. Hard fax: So your son left us to go into a bank in the city? How did he acquit himself? Mr. Timbertop: He didn't acquit himr self. It took the. best lawyer in the country to get him acquitted. An inquisitive young man read this L advertisement in a local paper: "Young man, some woman dearly loves yon. [ Would you know who she is? Send postal ■ order for ten shillings to occult diviner, address as below and learn who she id" , He sent the money, and received tfris answer: "Your mother."