"MY BEST YARNS."

Auckland Star, Volume LX, Issue 242, 12 October 1929, Page 12 (Supplement)

"MY BEST YARNS."

HARRY LAUDER SELECTION. There had been a motor accident ill the highway not far from Aberdeen. A crowd of passers-by soon gathered, and one of them recognised not only the car but its bruised and muddy occupants. After condoling with them and asking how it all happened the new-comer asked the driver of the car if the insurance people had been along yet. "No," • was the reply. , "That's good," said the other. Thereupon he : took out his handkerchief, wiped some of the mud off the driver's clothes, smeared it on his own, and remarked: "In that case I think I'll just lie down heside these two with the broken legs!" A GOOD SEASON TOO. The office'manager 'had broken the point of his pencil and was chagrined to find that he had not his pen-knife handy. He rang the. bell for his secretary, but that individual likewise had no knife. The chief clerk was appealed to. He had left his knife at home that morning. But the office boy came to the rescue.

"How it is, Dugald," jocularly asked the manager,."that you are the only one here able to afford a knife?" "Oh, it's no' that, sir," replied the boy, "but I'm the only chap in the place that has only one pair o' breeks!" FELLOW FEELING. Tammas had a "limmer" of a wife.- She rose in a violent temper one morning and gave her husband such a sultry halfhour that he was glad to take his porridge outside his cottage. The laird happened to pass very early that morning, and expressed astonishment at his tenant eating his breakfast out , 'of doors. "Deed, laird." quietly observed Tammas, "the kitchen chimney is reekin' yerra badly—that's the reason." ■is" "Ah, we must see about that," said the laird, and promptly proceeded to open the door..He had no sooner done so than a stool hit the back of the door and sla'mmed it in his face. .Shaking his head'solemnly the laird pawkily remarked: "So that's how the wind's blawin', Tammas! Well, never mind —my ain chimney reeks just as badly at times!" ■ ■ THE ELDER'S LAMENT. ■ In some parts of rural Scotland it is still the custom for the church elders to "talks, turns"'at the offertory plate in the. vestibule of the church. I attended a little ; church in a Highland, glen the oth'er day and had a word or two • with an old shepherd who was on duty "at the plate." As we were speaking a little boy came up and handed him a sixpence, saying: "My mother asks if ye would be kind enough to change this, Mri McPherson, because she hadn't a penny for my collection." • Solemnly the' old shepherd took fivepenee from the: plate and dropped in the six pence.' l : --, "There ye are, .Duncan," said the old man. "Count it an' see that I havena cheated either the Lord or your mother!"