IN MERRIER MOOD

Auckland Star, Volume LIX, Issue 165, 14 July 1928, Page 2 (Supplement)

IN MERRIER MOOD

a I . _ -fm I 1 :fg Dyjw« For the best anecdote wat in each week • pries of ■' . I Five Shillings will be awarded. While in jodpag I^3 |g TOY preference will be given to local atones, contnba- Ul - :: m n dons need not be original, but m all cases the t|| S®l JOCSt source from which taken should be stated. The fffg 1 Sf.OY*V Editor's decision most be regarded as final. AH I s OM/fjr (tnecdotes intended for competition mast be 1 received at this office by the Monday preceding H I publication. The envelopes containing contributions mast I a be endorsed with the wot4l * "Anecdote** in the top left-hand i corner, and addressed Editor* "The Auckland Star/* Auckland - B"' ;§2 Immwmmmmmmmmmmmmmammwm Jj'l

The prize this week goes to Mrs. 0. Walters, 32, Camden Street, Feilding, for: SQUARING THE ACCOUNT. Casey received from his friend McGrath a letter which bore no stamp, and he had to pay double postage. The letter concluded: "You will be delighted to hear that I am in the best of health, old chap." Casey then wrapped up a large stone, and without postage sent it to McGrath, with the following note: "This great weight rolled off my mind when I heard the good news." IDENTIFICATION. He thought he'd surely made a hit When for his photograph she prayed. " 'Out' when this calls," she wrote on it, And gave it to the maid. BY VAN. The old lady had been studying genealogy, and was looking around for an opportunity to air her knowledge of all the branches, twigs and leaves of her genealogical tree. Little James hove in sight. "Ah, James." she exclaimed, "are you not a cousin of my daughter-in-law, once removed?" James scratched his head, then the gleam of the family brilliance shone in his eyes. "No," said he, "we've twice removed— once to Morningside Road and then up to the High Street." WHAT A MEMORY! He was rather absent-minded, and his wife tied a piece of cotton round his finger to remind him to get his hair cut. On his way home he noticed the cotton and entered a barber's shop. "Yes, sir?" 6aid the barber, a puzzled note in his voice. "Eh? Oh, yes, cut my hair, please." "Certainly," replied the barber, "if you wish it, but you wont mind my men- j tioning the fact that I cut it at lunch- | 1 time to-day, will you?" SARCASTIC. As he pushed his ladders down the street a sharp-eyed window cleaner i noticed that the windows of a certain ■ house were very dirty. "Would yon like the windows cleaned, | sir ?" he asked a man who was mowing the lawn. The other peered angrily over the tops of his spectacles. "No" he snapped. "They don't require cleaning." The window gleaner sighed regretfully, and asked softly:-— "May I give your spectacles a wipe 1 over, sir ?" _____ NOT FOR SALE. Aif Amc.i a on a visit to England took his two children to the Zoo. After a few hours there, he approached one of the keepers and said:— "Say, keeper, I want you to take me right j-long to your head man, so that I can talk business with him." .e official ' 1 ' ■ suspiciously. "And what sort of busii-fcss do you want to discuss?" he ask - 1 . "Wal, it's like this," explained the American; "I've taken a f vt fancy t*> this I'il exhibit, an I want to buy your Zoo for my kids." , "Nothing that line," answered the keeper tersely, "but I'll tell you what we might do—we might buy your kids for our Zoo."

NOT HIS BUSINESS. Maloney, the farmhand, driving his employer's donkey-cart, was stopped at a toll-gate. A long argument ensued, but In the end Maloney paid the threepence demanded. Later in the afternoon he returned, but this time the donkey lay comfortably in the bottom of the cart and Maloney himself was between the shafts. He paid not the slightest heed to the gatekeeper, and would have passed through had not the latter closed the gate in time. "Whirrah!" cried .Maloney, angrily. "It's not bit av use talkin' to me. Spake to the driver."' A PRIZE BIRD. An old Scotswoman had a great reputation for her fine fowls. A visitor to the place, hearing her poultry so highly praised, sent her an order for the finest capon she had.

To his delight he received one of the largest birds he had ever seen, but his delight was short-lived, for he found on trying to carve it that it was as tough as leather.

In a great rage he went to see the woman and told her she had swindled him.

i Brown: You don't look well lately Robinson. Robinson: No; I can't J sleep at night on account of log trouble. Brown: Nonsense; your hogs are all right! Robinson: are; trouble is with the baby's. A famous preacher was introduced to a wealthy city stockbroker of the pompous nouveau riehe type, who boasted '! to him of hia success. "When I lauded £§ in this country," he said, "I hadnt aM cent in my pocket." "Yes," said the other, quietly, "but there were otter I pockets." |jS "Well, Bobbie," said the mother of.theii bride, who had instructed the small bey|rl what to do with his piece of weddiae>-tf cake, "did you put your wedding-ca£s under your pillow and dream of year future wife ?" "No," was the reply; "I ate the cake, 'cos I want my wife to be a surprised' A hostess who was very fat had bees >| dancing with a stranger." She used a broad accent in her speech, & as do many Londoners, and was trying .to J§ make an impression on her partner. He»3| asked her if she would like to have % another dance, but she replied: »1 "Not now, I'm damced out." >? "Oh, no," said the gentleman; "not % darn stout—just nice and plnmp madam." "Why do you insist upon telling me these horrible stories of ghosts and j robbers while you are cutting my hair?'* % 6aid a long-suffering customer to "a talk*tive hairdresser. 'Tm sorry, sir," replied the barber, 'M "but, you see, when I tell stories like j that to my customers their hair stands l on end, and it makes it ever so much s easier to cut!"

New Dresser: "There's a gentleman at the door who insists on coining in." Actress: "Did you ask for bis card?" New Dresser: "Yes, hot he only langhed and tried to kiss me." Actress: "Oh, let him in. That's ay husband!"

Would That Do? Old Peterson was very rich and, at the same time, very mean. But he had made his will in favour of his only relative, a nephew. "I hear your nephew is going to get married," remarked a very intimate friend one day. '"I think- that oil that occasion jrou ought to do something to make him happy." "I will," he replied sourly. "I'll pretend I'm dangerously ill." His Belief. A certain famous actor sometimes shows interest in the lesser lights about him. One day he was conversing with on© of his stage hands. "And what, my man, is your vocation?" queried the condescending matinee idoL "I'm a Baptist," was the reply. "No, no, good fellow, that is your belief. I want to know your vocation. For example, I am an actor." Said the scene shifter, "Xaw, that's your belief." So Near the Stage. Colonel Crumpleigh was a very fussy sort of individual, who took every care to 6ee that, whatever happened, personally he would be in clover. At the box-office of a theatre he was making quite a business of buying a stall. "Are you quite positive," he said to the man behind the grille, "that th's seat is pleasantly near the stage, my good man ?"

. "HootS, iiion, a she said, after she had listened to his outburst of wrath. "Why, ye carina' tell a guid fowl when ye see one. That bird's ta'en the first prize at the show for the last seven years."

This was the third time he had asked the question, and the box-office clerk was very annoyed.

"Sir," he retorted, "if it were any nearer the stage you'd have to act in the play."