THE PASSING SHOW.

Auckland Star, Volume LIX, Issue 161, 10 July 1928, Page 6

THE PASSING SHOW.

(By THE MAN ABOUT TOWN J

THE NOSE INDUSTRY. An Australian whose nose had been cut off completely has been successfully treated by an eminent surgeon who, by a process of grafting, succeeded in making a new nose for the patient.—News item. "I see," said the man with the monkey-like face, "The nose-making industry's spreading apace. They say that by treating the skin for a while They're able to alter the whole of the dial." By paying instalments of sixpence a week The patient receives a magnificent beak. They re booming the business of "facial parts" And advertise freely the wiles and the arts. There's "Noses unlimited," "Noses for sale," And "Noses delivered directly by mail," The bills for the ordinary noses are low, Tho' most of the patients expect quite a "blow." However, the doctors decided first hand The following classes would have to be banned: The people named "Parker" needing a ridge. And Harbour Board members requiring a "bridge." * B• C - Ii« Mr. John Oxcnham, the well-known novelist and writer on religious subjects, evidently has a sense of humour. In a letter to the "Christian World" anent TEMPTING the pilgrimage of British PROVIDENCE. Congregationalists to meet their brethren in America ho says: "There used to be a superstition among sailormen that one padre on a ship was a grave menace to its safety. What would they say to 1200? Surely that is a gigantic tempting of Providence! May I suggest that the Congregational Union, or the individual churches, insure each padre for £1000. lam sure Lloyds would be glad to make a. sporting flat rate for the lot. Then, if anything did happen. ... Well, think of it! £1,200,000 for the central funds! ! What vistas! What openings for the younger men! Etc., etc. The idea is non-copyright. I commend it to you." Every morning on the good ship 8.35 from Devonport to town there assembles a cheery group of Soccer enthusiasts, and it need not be added that Soccer is JAPAN AND the prevailing subject of CHINA, conversation. The ThistleBelmont match and its j several sequences provided the topic of the day for many mornings, but we had a change last week-end when it was reported on the best possible authority that a New Zealand Navy versus Japanese Navy match is to be staged during the forthcoming visit of the Japanese battleship. One of the party had a bright idea. "Why not get up a match, Japanese v. Chinese?" he said. "Remember that Chinese team that visited Auckland in 1924? They played a clinking good game—and what a draw they were! Over twenty thousand people at the Domain." A second member of the Soccer forum shook his head. "No," said he, "there's trouble on between Japan and China. There might be a row." Number one was not to be gainsaid, however. "Never mind about that," lie said. "Even if a few do get killed, think what a draw it would be!" And this is a Christiau country. Shades of the Colosseum! Dear M.A.T.. — A New Zealander in America was praising up his country, much to an American's annoyancc. The Yankee took him into a public HIGH TIDE. library and asked him to point out New Zealand on the map of the world. "There you are, the finest country in the world, bar none," said the visitor, pointing out New Zealand. The Yank looked at the little islands, and replied, "Say. what do yuh do when its high tide?"—M.J.H. They can't do this kind of thing. Might cause international complications at any time. M.A.T. Dear M.A.T., —In the country lately. I had occasion to ask a roadman, "Where does Jones the gooseberry man live?" And this is how he directed me: PADDY'S "Faix, an* I can tell wh;i. DIRECTIONS, thin. C>o along a short distince the rawd an' yez'll see a church on wan side an' a three an the hither, leave the three an yer back an' the church an ycr roight han'. Go along thin until ycz sees a gaht around the corner. Tha gaht is fight, yez can't mistake it—it's apposit a black stump. He! He! Go thro' tha paht and down tha paddick till yez come up till a sthable. Turn tha sthable around and go across the paddick an' yez'll see a clump av threes lifted up in front of whu. Tha hows is bevant thim. I hear they're dif, but if vez knock in a loud tone av vice they'll tell yez if they are at home or not as tha lease might be. Haw! Good luck, anyhow, an' God help yez! He! He! He!"—P.B.D., Pirongia. How quickly a modern play can "date" has been shown by the resuscitation of Sir James Barrie's clever sketch "The TwelvePound Look," acted reMODERN PLAYS, cently in London by a star cast. "The TwelvePound Look," written in 1915, tells the story of a successful man whose wife grows so tired of his complacence that she buys a typewriter for £12, and, having earned its cost in six months by typing, leaves her husband. To-day she would be able to bolt from home in a fortnight, after earning the necessary thirty bob for the first deposit. Not long ago M.A.T. had occasion to quote the classic epigram in which Rochester described King Charles 11. as the monarch "who never said a foolish thing, nor EPIGRAMS. ever did a wise one." That little spark of wit will probably last as long as the English language endures, and it is hard to equal, but a very creditable attempt was made a few weeks ago by Mr. Justice Atkin, who, with Mr. Justice Darling, was a guest at the annual dinner of tho Institute of Journalists, in London. The principal guests (from a newspaper point of view at least), were Lord Kothermere, of the "Daily Mail," and Lord Beaverbrook, his fellow magnate of Fleet Street, who presides over tho destinies of the "Daily Express." During tho post-pradial proceedings men 11 cards were handed round for signatures, and Judpe Atkin (or it may have been Judge Darling!) scribbled on one of them: If England wants her stream of truth To run both deep and clear. First she must dam her Beaver brook. Then drain her Bother mere. Dear M.A.T., —The following has been related to me as a true story of what recently occurred in a leading Queen Street shop: An elderly lady, desiring to OXFORD BAGS, purchase a present for a lady friend, decided on a handbag and consequently made haste to the nearest store. The attendant, on being made aware of her desires, displayed a nice range of bags from ordinary leather to Morocco, when the old lady inquired, "But may 1 see the Oxford bags I have heard such a lot about ?" —N.C. CHAOTICS. Not a single correct answer was sent to Sir W T Drafthorse Nags, the name of a possible new Minister of Agriculture with a commendable desire to encourage the equine industry. As "G.M.C." pointed out, the answer was Straightforwardness itself. The same author of puzzlement gives us St rule, to be made into eight short words. <