IN THE TRAIN.

Auckland Star, Volume LIX, Issue 147, 23 June 1928, Page 1 (Supplement)

IN THE TRAIN.

A COLONIAL'S MISADVENTURE

TALKING WITH ANGELS

UNAWARES.

LAW LAID DOWN ABOUT FARMING.

(By DR. FREDERICK FITCHETT.)

When I was Solicitor-General it was my good fortune to accompany Sir Joseph Ward (then Prime Minister) twice to London. The Admiralty sent invitation cards to my wife and me to a naval review at Portsmouth, where, amongst the fleet, the first Dreadnought was to bo seen. With the cards were railway tickets. We got aboard the train and found seats in a crowded carriage. As ladies were present, smoking was out of the question, so after a quarter of an hour's purgatory I told my wife I was going out to have a smoke. She protested, but in vain, and in the end I obtained leave, and went away with many injunctions not to get lost, fall overboard, or otherwise misconduct myself, and above all things to report myself before we reached Portsmouth. Neither of us had any idea of the distance. I went along the corridor looking into carriage after carriage, but thev were all full. At last I came to a carriage in which sat four gentlemen, each smoking a big fat cigar. They were sitting side by side on the one seat and the other was empty. I asked if I could come in for a smoke and received the reply, "Certainly." So in I went, sat down, produced my pipe, and proceeded to fill and light it. I suppose my pipe or the way I struck the match betrayed nie (I often carry them loose), for one of the gentlemen astonished 'me by saying, " What has struck you most, sir, since you have been in England ? "

I avoided betraying the fact that I knew I was recognised as a stranger from abroad, and replied in a casual way: "Well, what has struck me most, looking at England—rural England, that is—from a railway carriage window, which is the most I have seen of it thus far, is the small amount of settlement—" "Settlement!" exclaimed another. "What do you mean?" "Well," I said, "one sees stately halls and houses, beautiful parks, lawns, gardens and pleasant grounds, but scarcely a haystack or a farm." "What would you have?" said another. 'We can't grow corn in England. Corn is imported far more cheaply than we can produce it." "Cora," I retorted, puffing cheerfully at my pipe. "Corn's not the only thing to grow. Why—" "Now, please be careful," interrupted one of them. "Remember we are all farmers here." "Oh," I rejoined truculently, and not to be browbeaten, especially by people who didn't look like farmers at all, "I'm a bit of a farmer myself. I've got some twelve acres about 12,000 miles from here, so I know what I'm talking about."

An "Asparagus Farm." My farm, I may parenthetically explain, was a section at the back of Kliandallah, all hillside and gully, displaying nothing but tussock, sweet briar and some half a dozen dyspeptic-looking gum trees. It had fallen into my hands as a bad debt. But all this is by the way. "Well," said another of them, "tell us what to grow." . "Oh," I replied, "there are lots of things," and I ruminated for a moment tendering what the deuce it was that farmers did grow if it wasn't corn. Then in desperation (or 'inspiration) I cried 'Grow asparagus." "Asparagus!" they shrieked with a loud laugh. "Why asparagus?" "yes," I rejoined, "grow asparagus by the bushel for the poor instead of by the stalk for the rich." Then, warming up, I continued: "All rural England should be cut up into small farmlets, with a family settled on each. They could grow garden produce, potatoes, cabbages and what not for the big towns. In this way England would still retain the sturdy race that made her what she is, instead of being left to the crowds of narrow-chested and sallow faced factory hands in her big manufacturing towns." Whether astonished more at my ignorance or my impudence I couldn't tell, but they did not reply to this outburst, and after a short silence the conversation drifted into other channels, of

light chaff and banter till I had finished my smoke —or perhaps my second. Then, knocking my pipe against the heel of my boot, I got up and said, "Well, gentlemen, many thanks for your courtesy aind - my smoke. I've been preaching sound j doctrine to you, and hope" the seed t hasn't fallen altogether into stony ground. Now I must report myself to J my devoted but distracted wife. I wish ( you all good morning.""Good morning," ' they all heartily replied. "We hope you 1 will report yourself faithfully and then j enjoy the review." j A Glimpse of "Billy" Hughes. We had a delightful day at Portsmouth, my wife and I, but no more was seen of these gentlemen. A few days later 1 had to dine with Mr. Lloyd Geprge. For nearly a fortnight he had presided as Cabinet Minister at a Merchant Shipping Conference which Six Joseph and I had attended as representatives of New Zealand. Several geritlemen were there representing Australia. Amongst them I remember was Mr. Hughes, Premier of Australia, a small, I wizen-faced man with bald head, sandy whiskers, hard voice, long ear trumpet, and a hand hard, lean and long as the 1 claw of a bird, which he was continually shaking at the British

whom he waa never tired of attacking. Mr. Lloyd George had difficulty in preserving the amenities of debate, and was plainly pleased with the assistance Sir Joseph gave him. When the conference was over Mr. Lloyd George sent us all invitations to dine with him at some big restaurant the -ame of which I have forgotten. I went, and was standing with a group of guests in the ante- | room waiting for the dining-room doors to open, when near me I waa astonished I to see one of the four railway carriage gentlemen. . He noticed me at the same time, and, I coming up, with raised eyebrows, ex- . claimed: "Are you dining with Lloyd i George to-night V* "Yes," I . "and apparently you are doing the same." » At this moment the dining room doors » were thrown open and the guests began fto troop in. I was near tue doors and > in front of him so I motioned him to precede me. He motioned me to go , first, which I did, leaving him to follow. i Inside the doors stood Mr. Lloyd George hands with the guests as J they jMwe* in. I had fast Mind Up * vhm I laart kta »*f to otbeci

•'Good evening, my lord, I congratulate you on getting your bill through so easily last night." A cold shiver ran down ray spine as I bethought me. of my off-hand conversation and conduct both in the railway carriage and the anteroom. Look back I dare not. \ felt like The man who on a lonely road Doth walk with fear and dread, And having once glanced back goes on And turns no more his head, Because he knows a frightful fiend Doth close behind him tread. With a dazed and swimming head I committed myself to an attendant who took me to my seat. The Dreadful Trutli. It was a long table, and when the guests were assembled I found myself sitting just opposite to Mr. Lloyd George. Next, to him and on his right, sat my sometime acquaintance of the railway carriage rfftd ante-room. "Who is he sitting next to Mr. Lloyd George?" whispered I to my neighbour. "Oh, don't you know?" he replied. "That's Lord Grannard, the Leader for the Government in the House of Lords." Phew! A cold sweat suffused my pallid brow as I passed in quick review my demeanour, language and deportment of the past. I fixed my eyes on my plate and felt as if I could sink under the table. But my fears were baseless, for twice during dinner Lord Grannard raised his glass to me. I did the same, of course, and we took wine together. Good of him, wasn't it? With self-confidence restored, either by his courtesy or the wine, or possibly by both, I resolved to get speech with iiim after dinner and learn the names of the other three, for I felt sure they were noblemen of rank—probably members of the House of Lords like himself. But just before dinner was finished Sir Joseph came and touched me on the i shoulder, saying that as we had to change i our attire, get our luggage and catch . the train (we were going on to Dublin I that night), we must leave at once. So i rising and bowing to Mr. Lloyd George i and Lord GTupnxd, I left. the room l*r '«/•©#* . ;. . '