LAUGH WITH ME

Auckland Star, Volume LVIII, Issue 136, 11 June 1927, Page 28

LAUGH WITH ME

HUMOROUS SELECTIONS. (By GEORGE MOZART, the Celebrated Comedian.) When you sneeze in front of a microphone you create enough power to drive a train, says a broadcasting official. Speaking for myself, I have seen one small sneeze, on its own, drive a big collection of heavyweight passengers out of a railway carriage in double quick time. Mrs. Hodge: Mornin', sir! Yesterday wuz niv sixty-fust birthday, an' my children give I a silver tay pot. Visitor: Solid? Mrs. Hodge: Don't 'ee joke wi' I like that. If it 'ad been solid 'ow could I put any tay in it? A policeman, standing outside a barracks, was surprised to find himself saluted by a recruit. "You shouldn't salute me, laddie," said the man in blue; "I'm not an officer." "I know," replied the recruit, "but anything will do to practise on." Dear old lady (to much-begrimed tramp): Your condition distresses me. Did you ever take a bath? Tramp: No mum; nuffink bigger'n a silver christening spoon. Small boy (to chemist): You'll find the smell in the bottle, and I want two pen'orth of it! 'T hear that Mr. Griphard is going to give his daughter away at her wedding." "It'll be the first thing he's ever given away in his life, and you bet he's saving money on it."' Satirical Customer: Look here, i waiter! I've heard of soup that a | chicken has walked through, and that's thin enough, but the chicken that promenaded in this lot used stilts! A sporting journalist, writing of a budding aspirant to boxing honours, says: "He docs not as yet fill the eye as a coming champion." Give him time, laddie; no u oubt he'll soon be closing somebody's optic with a stocky bunch of fives. Curate: And how did you like my harvest sermon? Mr. Joe Rarsnip: Not bad, sir—not at all bad, consider* yer total h'ignorance on the subject. "You're right; poor Jenkins is a friend of mine." "Indeed!" ,f No; in need!" American Tourist: Guess we have this country beat stiff as regards scenery. Proud Scot: Maybe, .but in vour country you can't just look round, and, with the naked eye, see seven distilleries all working overtime! Millie and Maggie, from Lancashire, had come to hear their husbands join in the big band contest at the Crystal Palace. "This is nice," said Millie, of one selection. "I fancy it's a bit from "Faust." Maggie thought it sounded more like a "toon" from "Cavalrena Rusticana." But wait a minute, luv," she said. IU go and look. I think the name's stuck up over there." "Just fancy,' she announced on her return, 'we were both 'wrong. It's Refrain from Spittin"" Lady passengjer (putting her head out of carnage 'window as train stops at platform): Is it raining, porter? Porter (promptly): No, ma'am; it's only raining water. Storyteller (when the laughter had subsided): Did you never hear that before ? Cynical Friend: Only twice. Once last year when I told you, and now when you tell me. Mrs. Watts: Fancy Mrs. Beans leaving her husband. Whv, she used to say he was the light of her existence. Mr. Acetic: Yes, but the light began to go out at night. Drink is your greatest enemy," cried the parson. 1T 1 kn r J that >" sobbed the inebriated lady, but, unfortunately, I was brought up to love my enemies.