THE AUCTION.

Auckland Star, Volume LVII, Issue 144, 19 June 1926, Page 13

THE AUCTION.

PLEDGES AND PERSUASION. UNCLE'S COLLECTION UNDER THE HAMMER. (By F. H. B.) The long room was filleu with people, pledges and smoke. Beside mc eat an expansive elderly lady of near-sporting proclivities. She wished to b in on all of the bargains, but the expense was a deterrent. Her method of compromise was to bid for everything —under her breath. She confided, while proceedings were being opened with an invocation that concluded with the magic formula, ••Cash before delivery," that she attended all the auctions there were. "And now, ladies 'n gen'l'm'n, before we go any farther, let mc tell you that all these goods here are perfectly clean 'n practically new; they're all good stuff 'n everyone who buys gets a bargain. The old days when you could slip into uncle's and pop any old rubbish have said good-bye for ever. Careful supervision, got to spray everything, so it only pays to lend money on the very best. Just one more thing before the barrier rises—there isn't any order of sale. If any of you want anything put up, say the word 'n we'll do it. You don't have to wait here all day if you're in a hurry to catch a train or get married, or any little thing like that. Let mc know if you're a candidate for transportation or matrimony 'n I'll put up a travelling rug or a wedding ring, whichever you prefer. What have we got here? Suitcase and contents, a very nice one too. Now look here, gentl'm'n, listen a moment, take a sporting chance —you never know what you may strike in a suitcase like this. Thank you, fifteen bob, seventeen 'n a tanner's all I'm offered for this exceptionally strong suitcase 'n all it contains. Very well, gentl'm'n, ' see you don't want a gamble; we'll have a look at what's inside. Open her up, Jack. Ea! a suit 'n it jingles, too. Something in the pockets." There was a shower of coins on the stand as the vest was pulled out. "Look at that now. Two half-dollare, a bob, three tanners 'n enough coppers to regulate the traffic in Queen Street on a race day. Yes, all this gold mine goes in 'ith the suitcase. Thank you, thirty bob, thirty-five," slap, "gentl'm'n over there in the dress circle." "Ain't he a beauty?" said my next door neighboui, swinging her legs and contentedly hacking mj ankles. '"Nother bag 'n contents," intoned the high priest on the dale. "Something snappy this time. Look! Look! Ladies' shoes, ladies' overclothes, ladies' underclothes—a whole lot of thing common decency forbids mc mentioning. Is fifteen bob all I'm offered for this complete ladies' wardrobe? All right, Jack, we'll sell them separately. Only half a dollar for a pair of nearly new evening shoes. 'Nt lye I'm bid for the empty suitcase Th„t makes two pound eleven for the lot 'n every article dirt cheap. Ladies 'n gentl'm'n you missed a bargain not taking it in one lot. 'N there's always tbe chance of money in the pockets." My neighbour's excitement was steadily rising. Under her breath she hat' put in brld bits, for every article sibmitted and finally sht became articulate to the extent of a florin for a pair ot shoes two sizes, too -small for her. if I am any judge—anr half an hour of oem- kicked and stamped upon tenches a good deal. "I want yoin undivided attention for a few moments, if you please," besought the orator. "We have here four lovely works of art. Hold 'em up so they -ran <cc 'em, Jack. Ah! yes the Duchess of Gainsborough in her early boyhood, i lie 1024 All Blacks, William Shakespeare eating bacon for Ireakfast —you inn see which is Shakespeare and which is bacon without the aid of a professor—'ii finally - little piece of i umantic drama entitled 'The Eyes i'nve It'—something for every taste. Hilly eight bob for all these works of art —why, the frames are worth more'n that for firewood these cold nights. The ! id's against you over there in the far I'lTiier; you want to remember that the bidder over* here in the front row can r-ea better'n you 'n he's satisfied. Thank you. -old to the art critic; in the far turner for eleven bob." "Cheap," said my excited neighbour, 'An' nasty," added a superior and apparently*opulen-1 lady on the farther side. "They make the .finest rain, shedders in the world right here in this city," the auctioneer went on, '"n ''.his is one of them. Try that coat on Jack. He doesn't show it iff to advantage, ladie3 'n gentl'm'n, because he's cut the same way back'n front, but it'll give you 'nidea of the size. You couldn't get wet in that coat i" the Waitakere dam burst over your h'<ad. Thank you, thirty-five bob; it's worth a fiver." "Before we start on the joolry I want to give some of you chaps a chance to earn a little money," remarked the auctioneer confidentially, "Here's a pair of boxing gloves 'n a punching hag. They pay a man two hundred golden •sovereigns for using these things. -"N I'm only Offered Hiirty ->b for the lot. You don't, want money gentl'm'n. What's this, Jack? Ha! the gem of the collection, a genuine Strad. model violin, a lovely instrument, practically plays itself. If the buyer of this genuine Strad. model isn't delighted after playing this instrument, he can bring it back 'n r>lay it to mc. It's an absolute gift at cix quid, but I mustn't waste your time, so pass it along to Paganini over there in the gallery." I didn't wait to see the "joolry" sold;, ray ankles were too tender. As I forced' my way out through the dense crowd thefinal impression had to do with a telescope that "may have been used y Nelson at the battle of the Nile." • If the master of ceremonies were approxi; mately correct, it licked the Lick telescope, while its present smokedrenched -urroundinsrs must have been reminiscen* of the battle-murk of distant Aboukir Bay.