IN MERRIER MOOD

Auckland Star, Volume LVII, Issue 25, 30 January 1926, Page 22

IN MERRIER MOOD

The first priie is awarded this week to 0. Benjamin, Newton, for "HIS FATHER'S BREATH." This really happened some years ago. A mother and her .little son, just four years old, were one day walking *wn Khyber Paes. Suddenly, pointing to the brewery, the little fellow said: "Mother, is my father in there T" "No, dear," she eaid. "What makes you think so?" '"Cause," said he,« "I can emell hie breath." / CHANGED HIS MIND. The manager of a large warehouse in Glasgow, who was much disliked, received an offer from an English firm, and had all but decided to give up his Glasgow job. His fellow employees thereupon collected a purse of money and presented it to him as a thankoffering on the occasion of his departure. "Weef, weel," said the Scottie as he took the purse. "I never thocht ye liket mc eae weel, but noo that I see ye're sac vexed at mc gaun' awa', I think I'll no gang, but jiat 'bide whaur j 1 am." THE SPIRIT. MOVED HIM. An English novelist, living in the United States, was requested to' write a humorous story by an English magazine. He answered with a brief note, saying that since the advent of prohibition he had lost his ability as a raconteur. "In fact," he explained, "I am a i| changed man. Even my children have noticed it. My youngest daughter, at a recent social affair, was asked, 'doesn't your father dance?' "Not since prohibition came in/ replied the observant — and truthful —child." _ • i BRST HARTE'S HEADACHE. Bret Harte was once lecturing at Richmond, in Virginia, and on the morni ing of hie arrival had such a terrible headache that he would cheerfully have died there and then. He went for a walk accompanied 'by the person who was to take the chair at his lecture. The latter told him that Richmond was a very healthful place, that the death rate averaged only one per diem. \ "Good heavens! 1" said Bret Harte, I who had been telling his companion i how he felt, "Has to-day's man died I yet?" j BRICKS FOR M.P.'S. j The Houses of Parliament at Westminster, which have been in danger of partial collapse, are being repaired at great cost, and of course the fact gives ! rise to that kind of criticism which sugr gests that all men are fools, but particularly politicians. Sir Frank Baines, in demonstrating to members of Parlia--1 ment the dangerous condition' of the ! stonework of the Houses of Parliament, ! said, "When I am asked if I am sure i that no member will be struck by a fall- ' ing fragment, I have to reply that I am not sure." Then why spend a million in repairs? Why not let well alone? NOTHING LIKE LEATHER. i A butcher plying his trade in a slum section of a certain city, was noted for the belligerency and quickness of his repartee, and consequently it was not often that a customer complained to him. The customers gathered' in his shop were amazed, therefore, when they heard a woman say, "I want a pound jof steak, and I don't want the kind youI sold mc last Tuesday. It was so tough ; I could have soled my husband's shoes ! with it." "Then why didn't you?" declared the butcher surlily. "Because," was the quick reply, "I couldn't have driven tacks through it." ! A NEW SHARK STORY. f A shark, full of expectation, followed a , big liner. One of the crew, who looked .upon this as bad luck, picked up a wooden board that happened to be handy, I and threw it at the shark to • scare it i away. The shark swallowed the board. ; The sailor then threw a box of oranges at it. The shark swallowed them, box and all. During the general excitement on board, a Scot fell overboard. A sailor at ( once dived in to rescue him. The shark ; swallowed them both, but wes eventually I caught, and subsequently cut open, in the I hope of rescuing the mem. And they say that the Scot was discovered sitting on , the board trying to sell the oranges to I ins would-be rescuer. i ■ J IN NAME ONLY. - ■ ,one of the crew of .a big liner chanced ,to pick U p a menu card and geein Qn jthe top "Table d'hote," inquired of one of his mates: "What does this 'ere ' mean, Joe 1" I Joe scratched his head and said; "I can't make nothing of it. Let's go to old Coffin, he's a scholard and sure to know." Old Coffin thoughtfully stroked his chin and said: -'Well, look 'ere, mates it's like this 'ere. Them swells down m the saloon have some soup, a bit of fish, a bit of this,- a bit of that, and a bit of sumniat else, and calls it 'table I dottie.' We hare 'table dottie,' only ;we mixes it all together and calls it Irish Stew."

PRIZE FOR BEST STORY. For tb« T>e«t~an«cdote cent in each week a prize of Five Shillingi will be awarded. While in judging preference will be given to local stories, contribution* need not be original, but in all casei the source from which taken should be stated. Tha Editor's decision must be regarded ■• final. All anecdotes intended (or competition snuat be reeelred at this office by the Monday preceding publication. The envelopes containing contribution* must be endorsed'with the word* "Anesdoto" in the top left-hand corner, and addressed Editor, "The Auckland Star." Auckland. |

"To live in the country one has ta| have a soul." "Or a car." She- Haven't I seen yon somewhere ! else ? . He: Perhaps; I've been several ; other places. 'Tapa, what makes a man always give a woman a diamond engagement ringt" "The woman." "I hear that the United States is trying to annex Ireland." "How come? What's the big idea?" "So we can raise ■our own policemen." Bessie: I want to give John a surprise for his birthday. Can you make a suggestion ? Josopliiue: Tell him your age, dear. * Patient: Doctor, how can I ever th pay you for your kindness to mc? Doctor: By check, money order, oe cash. Engineer's Sweetheart: And do you always think of mc when you're out oh those long trips? Engineer: Do I? I've wrecked two tyres that tray already. Sweetheart: Oh, you darling! "Your wife looks stunning to-night. Her gown is a poem." "What do you mean, poem?" replied .the struggling author. "That gown is two poems and a short story." "Yes, I get 80 dollars a week," said the. saleslady in the millinery establishment. "How do you manage to command ao large a salary?" asked the country, echool-teacher. "I know hats." "Dear mc! For 60 dollars a month I have t« know everything."

Irate Golfer (after chicken hat swallowed his ball): " Lay, darn ye, lay!"

Eclio of the Elections. "Well," summed up the smokeroom philosopher, "I'll tell you this about him. He might have typhoid, and recover; he might have pneumonia, and recover; he might have cerebral meningitis, and recover; he might have yellow fever, and recover; T>ut— if. lie ever had lockjaw, bj; gad, sir, he'd burst!" Sold! Officer (to new soldier servant)!'. Murphy, I have left my mess boots oufc this morning. I wan* them soled. Private Murphy. Very good, sir. Officer (later in the day): Did you take those boots, Murphy? Private Murphy (feeling in hii pocket, and putting on the table eighteenpence) : Yes, sir, and that , ! all I could get for them. The corporal who bought them said he would have given two shillings if it had been paj; day. At Last. Sandy: I hear that your wife hat deed, Donald. Donald: Aye, she slippit awa' on Monday. Sandy: Am sorry to hear that. When's the funeral?" Donald: Next Mo.nday. Sandy: Monday! Why so late? Donald: "Well,"it's like this. When we were married, she says tae mc, "Donald," she says, "you and mc will ha'e a nice quiet week together." Well, am having it the noo. A Generous Action. "Young man," he said, as he followed him out on the steps the other evening, "I want to have a talk with you. You have been courting mj; daughter." "Yes, sir." "You think you love her?" "I know I do." "And you would fain bear her off to some woodbine cottage?" "That ie what I would fainest, sir." "Ah—urn! What is your salary?" "Twelve pounds a week, sir." "Just so—take her. I was afraid you couldn't support us all on your wages, but it's all right. Hurry up things and get into the family in time to pay next month's rent. You don't know what a relief it will be to us old folks to have someone to look us."