RANDOM SHOTS

Auckland Star, Volume LVII, Issue 25, 30 January 1926, Page 22

RANDOM SHOTS

ZAMIEL

The great revolution scare in England, broadcasted, seems to have been a case of "ELnox et praterea, nihiL"

A wave from the Tepid Baths: "That article in the 'Herald' on -Monday worked wonders. The pool was in Al condition on Tuesday morning. The tide mark was gone, also the nutriment floating on the surface." What the writer means by "nutriment" I do not know, but there is a suspicion that what he meant might have been expressed more happily. A certain body of business men meet in the Chamber of Commerce, and are accustomed to hang their hats in the passage. This week they were confronted with the notice, "All Hats Inside Rotary Club Luncheon To-day." The implied reflection on an organisation that has "Self, not Service" —I mean, "Service no Self"—for its motto, is regrettable. It is said, however, that even in the London Athenaeum Club, which is frequented by bishops, umbrellas are not always safe. Gratifying proof of the spread of education in the backblocks: —"A local medico, hurrying to an accident, was hailed by a farmer yesterday, who waved his arm most insistently. Hesitating as to whether the call he was going to was not the more urgent, the doctor pulled up and his son, who was with him, went across to see what was the matter. The farmer wanted to know how to spell the word 'acquired.'" Some medical fees are earned, others are acquired. The farmer probably had heard of the latter. A fee was due* in this case for mental treatment. I pick out one or two points in that extraordinary misapprehension about Father Knox'g story of a revolution. According to the "Daily Sketch," "people now know better than to accept anything as news until they have seen it in print." The implication "that everything printed is reliable will please those who are convinced (or profess to be) that newspapers are fathers of lies. One lesson to be learnt from the affair is the danger of "coming" in late. If you miss the preliminary announcement and pick up the "broadcast" later, you may think that fiction is fact or fact fiction; you may think you are getting the Test match news, when it is a cricket novel that is being broadcasted. I like, too, the company's defence: "Was it conceivable we should immediately follow the disastrous news with a jazz band!" Yes, quite. If there ever is a revolution in England it won't stop the playing of jazz music. The English Lenin is quite likely to celebrate the fall of the House of Commons by bursts from barbaric saxophones, and even if he didn't, there would be dancing. It would take -more than a revolution to stop jazz. I'm sorry, but I simply cannot keep the Scots out of this column. A correspondent who signs himself "An English Highlander," which is a dreadful contradiction in terms, says that he is reliably informed that nearly all the memben of the Argyle and Sutherland Band, now playing in. ' Dunedin, are English. The pipe band, however, is entirely Scottish. This coincides with his experience in the Gordon Highlanders; the bandsmen were mostly English, except the pipers. Now, I'm not going to open a controversy as to the percentage of Cockneys in the Gordon Highlanders. I value my life and limbs and peace of mind too highly, but I may remark that it is quite natural that there should be no Englishmen in the pipe bands of Scottish regiments. It is reasonable to expect an Englishman to play the cornet or the bassoon, but not the bagpipes. That is a gift. You remember the Sassenach in 'TSllen McJones Aberdeen ?" Torbay had incurred a good deal of expense To ninke him a Scotchman in every sense; But this is a matter, you'll readily own, That isn't a question of tailors alone. A Snesenach chief may be bonily built, He may purchase a sporran, a bonnet and kilt; Stick a skean in his hose, wear an acre of stripes. , But ho cannot assume an affection for pipes. The wonder to mc is how the English members of the Argyle and Sutherland Band stand the pipes. Perhaps they get a compassionate allowance. RE-OPENING OF THE SCHOOLS. "The primary schools will re-open on Monday npxt. The system of half-time in February has been abolished by the Board. The matter is left to the discretion of the headmaster, and on any day when he considers the weather too sultry for the children to be kept inside the school may be closed for the day."—News item. School! Hear the bell Ring the knell Of the summertime vacation. "Ain't it crook! Where's mc book? Where's mc slate and boots and hat? Can't I take mc cricket bat? Hey, mum, someone's torn mc shirt! Liook, mc coat's all over dirt! What about mc lunch ? Oh, crums! Where's mc little card of sums? Gee! I know it will be hot List'nin' to a lot of rot. Making fellers halt and stammer 'Bout jography and grammar; While the teacher talks an"' talks, ■Makin' marks with bits of chalks— While I think how nice and cool Is the dear old swimmin' pool— And mc sittin' there In school!" School: Hear the bell Cast a spell Round the children's education. "What's that, ma? Where's the 'Star? , 'Only half a day in Feb. 1 •Gee! That's torn the spider web! Well, I reckon that's a joke— Why. our head's a decent bloke; If the half-day's left to him Then I'm sure to get a 6wim. 'Think I'm watting all mc. time! Half-day schooling Iβ a crime." Don't be angry, ma! I say Can't I have a little play? 'Make myself a peat at home!' 'Ain't got nothin' in mc dome!' You should see mc do substractions In those hard old vulgar fractions - And I know I draw the maps Better than the other chaps. 'School is not so bad a place!' 'Just that I'm too hard a case!' School to-day won't frighten mc 'Cos we learn 'sikology. . And I pity teachers who Supervise a human Zoo; Think of flies and heat and noise Crowds of restless girls and boys While the class-room monotone ' Settles to a sleepy drone. Under these propitious circs. Then the half-time microbe works." "Goo-eye, mum I I've got a hunch Tou will ice mc home for lunch." - . .. B.A.