MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume LV, Issue 307, 27 December 1924, Page 18

MERRIER MOMENTS.

Captain: Take this gun and watch. Recruit: \\ here's the watch? Ensign: And you say you lost control ot your car? Chief: Yes, I couldn't keep up the instalments. Angry Diner: Waiter, you ought never to have brought this coffee from the kitchen—it's too weak to stir. Grace (showing friend her photograph): Awful, isn't it? Bessie: It's a. splendid likeness, though. Husband: Does that new novel turn out happily? Wife: Jt doesn't ear—it only says they were married. Robbins: I didn't think you had an? idea of marrying the widow. Newly, wed: 1 hadn't —it was an idea of hers. Mother: Joan, darling, run and call Fido, will you? Joan: I don't see how I can, mummy, 'cos I aren't speakin* to Fido since he broke my doll. "Man is a tyrant," declared Mre. Fitz. dub, "isn't he, John?" "Really, my dear, 1 hardly—" 'Isheor is he not?" "He is." "Are all of those men locked up for safe keeping?" asked the visitor. "No" answered the gaoler, "four of them ire here for safe-breaking."' Guest: What a number of crotrs there are around; don't the caws annoy youT Farmer: The caws don't annoy me'half as much as the effect. Miss Riche: I lost my heart last night, pa—l accepted Mr. Poore. Mr. Riche: H'm: You didn't lose your heart —you must have lost your head. Harry: I hear the captain has hai hard luck—his wife has run away from ]htm. George: Yes, he took her for a mate, but she proved a skipper. "How's the earth divided?" asked a pompous examiner, who had already I worn out the patience of the class. 1 "By earthquakes," replied one boy, after ! which the examiner found that he had I had enough of that class. I Hβ came down to breakfast quite ! early on his first morning at the new , boarding house. The proprietress was all smiles. "Will you take tea, coffee, or cocoa?" 'she asked. But he knew 'boarding houses. "Whichever you call it," said he. Her Parent a Doctor. "But, father," safe the pretty heiress, "If you refuse, Jack will die of a broken heart." "You are a poor diagnostican, my child," returned her parent. "The trouble he is more likely to die of is starvation." The Best RewarS. Two tramps crossing a bridge saw a notice, "£1 for lifesaving in this river. ,. One said to the other: "You dive in and I will fetch you out and share the quid between us." So he dived in and shouted for help, but the other Baid: "Sorry, Bill, but I have just see ai notice, '£2 for a dead body.'" To the Point. A Scottish farmer, beinir elected to the School Board, visited the village school and tested the intelligence of the class by the question: "Now, boys, can any of you tell mc what naething is?" After a moment's silence a small boy in a back seat rose. "It is what ye gi'd mc the other day; for holding yer horse." Easy. The cripple thumped his crutch on the ground as he confronted the solicitor. "Heavens, man, your bill is outrageous. You are taking four-fifths of my damages. I never heard of such extortion!" "I furnished the skill, the eloquence, and the necessary learning for your case," said the solicitor, coldly. "Yes," said the client, "but I furnish the case itself." "Bosh!" sneered the solicitor. "Any« body can fall over a Bafety zone." Looking for a Friena. "I don't think I'll buy anything to> day. I'm sorry to have troubled you, but the fact is I was just looking for a friend," said the woman shopper. '•Oh, that's all right," replied thi debonnair clerk, "it was no trouble. In fact, if you think your friend might be in any of the few remaining boxes I'll open them up, too." A Run For His Money. On one occasion as the composer Gluck was passiug along the Rue SaintHonorc in Paris, he accidentally broke a pane of glass in a shop window, the value of which was exactly thirty sous, or half of a French crown. He tendered the latter coin in payment, but the shopman, not having change, offered to po out in order to get it elsewhere, but Cluck would not hear of it. "Never mind," he said, "1 will make up the full amount." And he smashed another pane. An Empty Message. A young man was walking along a lonely eector of seashore when the incoming tide washed up a bottle. He picked it up, and saw a slip of paper inside. For several minutes he refrained I from extracting the message, while toying with the idea that it must have been scrawled by come wreck survivor in an open boat or on a raft. Finally he broke the bottle's neck, cut his lingor on a piece of jagged glass, and I read: "Whoever discovers this bottle I will find all the beer gone."