ANECDOTES AND STORIES.

Auckland Star, Volume LV, Issue 248, 18 October 1924, Page 54 (Supplement)

ANECDOTES AND STORIES.

HENCE THE FIREWORKS. A small and very grubby little boy dashed into a police station one day, I quite out of breath, and in a state of tense excitement. . , „ "Come along to our 'ouse quickly, he shouted, "Ind bring a.' h'ambulance W on, my lad," said the inspector in charge, calmly; "what's happen--1 D"Oh," gasped tho youngster. "Muvver's found the lidy what pinched our doormat." BROTHERS! That well-known New York wit, Travere, once wet in Fifth Avenue Henry Ward Beecher, the eminent preacher. It was an afternoon just after Travers had lost some money at the Union Club, with the result that he was in a bad temper. When Beecher stopped him, Travers swore at him. Beecher l ! fted up hie hands in horror and amazement, ana exclaimed, "What language; oh, what language!" This brought back Travero good humour at once, and he burst out laughing, slapped Beecher on the DacK, and stammered: "I say, Henry, its &1 right, my boy; you preach a good deal and 1 swear a good deal, but neither of us means anything by it. THE DAY OF DONNYBROOK. The reverend father Sad been preachlne about the Day or Judgment. Afterwards an elderly Irishman questioned him: — " 'What I want to know la this: Do you mane to cay thot on the Last Day whin Gabriel's trumpet blows lverybody thot iver lived In this <vorld will be gathered toglther at the wan place and the wan : timer 'That is my conception of the j meaning of tho Scriptures an* the Gospels, , said the priest. 'Do you think now, frlnstance. thot Cain a D d Abel 'U be there, side ;by side? , 'Beyond a doubt. , i '" 'And thot little fella David and thot big gossoon Goliath-thlm also, you think?" ! 'Surely.' 'And Brian Boru and Oliver Cromwell?" "Of course they will." . . • ' 'Father, , 6ald the parishioner, 'there'll Dβ iom little Judgin , done the first day." " AGASSIZ AND HIS PETS. Jean Agassir, the famous SwissAmerican naturalist, was in the habit of keeping strange pets in strange places. One morning Mrs. Agassiz arose and proceeded, according to custom, to put on her stockings and shoes. At a certain stage of this process a. little scream attracted Mr. Agassiz's attention, and, not having yet risen, he leaned forward anxiously upon hie elbow, inquiring what was the matter. "Why, a little snake has just crawled out of my boot!" cried she. "Only one, jmy dear!" interrupted the professor, 1 calmly lying down again. "There should , have been three." I He had put them there to keep them warm. MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE IN RHYME The celebrated Dean Swift was wanI dering through the countryside, ac was his wont, when he was one day overtaken by a storm. Seeking shelter beneath a tree, lie found there a party ;of young people waiting for the etonn to oease. One of the girls was weeping bitterly, and the Dean, upon making sympathetic inquiries as to the cause, learned that she was on her way to church to marry the young man who was with her. "Never mind, I'll marry you," said the Dean; and taking out his j Prayer Book, he then and there peri formed the ceremony. To make the ceremony complete, he tore a leaf from his pocket-book, and with his pencil wrote and signed a certificate, and handed it to the bride. The certificate was as follows:— Under a tree In stormy weather, I married this tnAn and woman together: Let none but Him who rules the thunder Sever thi3 man and woman asunder." COME TO MAMMY! TJear-Admiral W. E. R. Martin, in "The Adventures of a Naval Paymaster," tells this story:— While the author was serving in the old Bellerophon at Barbadoes, a remark. I able personality, known as the queen of the washer-women, paid them a visit. Her name was Jane Anne Smith — a tall negress, dressed in spotless white, wearing a turban. She came alongside in her own boat, pulled by six men. With a sweep of her arm she brushed aside the sentry on the gangway who asked her business, and marched straight on board. The first person she saw was the commander, Oorge Primrose, on the quarter-deck In two strides the gigantic negreee gathered him to her breast and kissed him, in front of all hands, exclaimine joyously: 6 "Oh. Massa Primrose, Jane Anne rornemiber you when you was little midshipman, so high." THE SECOND EPISTLE. "One of the many friends I made at school was Jones, who joined tho Rifle Brigade a year before I Sid, after chancing his name to that of St. Paul" writes Major-General Sir Francis Howard in his "Reminiscences, in 1848-1800." "A man whom he met in Piccadilly unaware of the change, addressed him as Jones, and told us shortly afterward, That man Jones has gone stark starine mad; he now thinks that he is St Paul • "Many years later St. Paul, as he was leaving the Naval and Military Club noticed a gentleman making very heavy weather about steering a straight course .between the door posts and bomjline ! badly over the steps leading to the Rtreet. Being very kind-hearted, on discovering that his destination was Bury Street, St Paul, after conducting him safely home and seeing him through the difficulty of fitting the latchkey into ; the keyhole, wished him good night, on which his companion thanked him effu- | sively and asked him hie name. Then j instead of going to his room, he roared' i with laughter, and standing at the door : way, shouted after him: 'I say St. Paul, ! did you ever get an answer to that letter I you wrote to the Ephesians?'"