MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume LV, Issue 224, 20 September 1924, Page 18

MERRIER MOMENTS.

In 1919 there were over a million marriages in the TJ.S.A. Some of the couplet are still married, too. A match thrown from a fifth-storey window in New York remained alight and set fire to a man's hat. This shows how dry the country is. Beer was bottled about 200 years ago. It seems a pity that the recipe has oeea lost. "Hero comes Mrs. Gabbins. I think TO have Nora tell her I'm out." "Won't the still, small voice of conscience reproach you?" "Yes, but I'd rather listen to the still, small voice than to hers." Father: Where is that young mail of yours to-night? Isn't he comingt Daughter: No; he telephoned that it was raining so hard he would not be over. "Not much of a rain beau, is he?" "John," eaid his wife, "I found some very queer-looking tickets in your desk to-day. One said: 'Rufer, six to one.* What does it all mean?" "Wy archaeological studies, dear," he answered. ''Kelics of a lost race." Doctor: What! your dyspepsia no better? Did you follow my advice and drink hot water one hour before breakfast? Patient: I did my best but I couldn't keep it up more than ten minutes. Father (at supper table): Well, Dick, how did you get on at school to-day? Dick: Father, one of my boks says that conversations at meals should be of a pleasant character. Let's talk about something else. A barrister had managed to get a notorious character acquitted on a charge of stealing some clothes, but the prisoner would not leave the dock. "You can go now," said the barrister. "I dursn't," was the reply, in a stage whisper. "I've got the pants on!" As the clergyman stepped off the bus a newsboy thrust a paper under hit nose and shouted, "All the winners, sir." The shocked parson inquired sarcastically if there were no other news in the paper. "Yes, bit,", retorted the boyj "all the runners for to-morrow." "I understand that your creditor! are pressing you." "I arranged that," answered Senator Sorghum. "In thie era of investigation I want it made perfectly clear that I haven't more than enough money for my current expenses." "Well, Jimmy, did you enjoy your visit to the museum?" "Yes, mamma." "Did you remember any of. the nice things you saw?" "Oh, yes, I remember lots of them." "What were they called ?" "Well, most of them were, called, 'Dβ not touch.'" THE SOFT-BOILED EGO. An ingenuous young woman writes aa follows: "I am engaged to a very nice boy who thinks the world of mc, and w> do I." TWO OF A KIND. There are two kinds of people tfSiai will tell you there are better places, to be in than where "you and land agents. CONTRACTING HABITS. "Old Jones has been treated with goat glands to rejuvenate him, I hear." "Yes; I've noticed hie increased tendency of butting in." FOUND IT AT LAST. '•■What's the matter with your husband?" asked a friend of a coloured lady. "Well," she replied, "he fell downstairs the other night and located his hip." WHEN IN DOUBT. Lady pianist (who, after an hour of it, has nearly played her visitor to sleep)— What would you like mc to play; now ? The visitor (dreamily)—Oh, I dunno— I should keep right on with, trumps. MINIMUM OF EFFORT. A class was asked to write a theme of 150 words on a motor car. One small boy handed in the following: "Once my uncle bought a car and took it out in the country about fifteen miles, when it stopped. This is only about twenty-five words, but the , other 125 are what my uncle 6aid walking back to town, but they aren't fit to write. AUTHOR. A visitor to a school, after questioning an unhappy little boy about various matters, asked him if he knew the tea commandments. The boy said he did not. "You don't know the ten command* ments?" "No, sir," the boy insisted. "What is your name, lad?" "Moses, sir." The visitor gave it up. A BIG CATCH. A party of Americans on a visit to Wembley, having "done" the exhibition, were being shown tho sights of London. On their way they drove past a magnificent residence. "That," said the guide, "is the town house of Lord " A bright little American lady gazed at the mansion eagerly. "The owner of that place," continued the guide, "is one of our largest landed proprietors." The lady's interest became keener. TVho landed him?" she asked.