RANDOM SHOTS

Auckland Star, Volume LV, Issue 116, 17 May 1924, Page 18

RANDOM SHOTS

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Some write to ple:ise the couutry clash And raise a din; Some write a neighbour's name to lush. Some write —-ulu thought — for needless cash, For mc. mi aim I never fash, 1 write for fun. It was rather cruel of one of the newspapers to notify us the dress requirements of the Empire Ball, "powder, patches, and coloured faces." Personally, I however, 1 would welcome a little, arti- | (ieial colour on the artificial whiteness j of women's complexions. It would relieve the monotony. I have heard men say that the standard of commer _al morality is not so I high in Auckland as it is in the South. ] This week, however, 1 am able to bring evidence in defence of Auckland. One firm advertised during the week -The Re- | pulse' bargain," and here is another idvertisemcnt of a few days ago: —j " Ducks, 30, Indian Runner, 8 montliß, just started laying; 4/(1 for quick sale; sickness reason for disposal." Could commercial candour go further . i The Moscow C.overmnent has renamed ' Petrograd Leningrad. 1 suppose that if anybody in Russia suggested Retrograd it would be a case of a wall and a tiring parly. I "Is this defendant an experienced driver';" was a question put to a constable by Mr. F. R. Orr-Walker, S.M., at the Wellington Police Court. "Well, It should say he is," was the reply. "He has been before the Court on tosto previous occasions." I have tried hard to think of suitable comment on- this- gem. but in vain. I must leave it to you in its unadorned loveliness. j I am told that at the civic reception , to the Fleet the otiier night, the Takapuna guests put to good use the experience they so often have in pushing for their boat. The door of the supper room was a narrow opening, and the crowd was dense. Quite automatically, so I am informed, Takapuna people within sight of this promised land formed themselves into the wedge tbat does such good scrvico daily on the wharf —and got thero. To the many advantages of living in Takapuna this training in shock tactics has to be added. The names of the visiting warships were used in a rather equivocal way in a draper's advertisement 6ome days ago. A few lines below the heading "Welcome to H.M.A.s. Adelaide" appeared in equally largo type tho words "Our expert corsetiere," followed by the announcement that this person "is always in attendance to discuss your requirements." It used to be said that officers in foreign warships wore corsets, but I have.never beard this habit imputed to the British officer. Rear-Admiral Brand has asked this riddle: "Why was the Special Service Squadron like a Ford car." The answer was "Because it was all 'Hood.' " There is another version: "Rec-ause the 'Hood' is the best part of it." It is strongly suspected that this riddle came through a Ford agent, from a joke making department in the Ford works. Henry Ford would never have done what he has done if he had minded in tbe slightest jokes about liis car. It used to be Charlie Chaplin. Then it was Charles Chaplin. Now it is Charles Spencer Chaplin. Perhaps (say when be plays Hamlet) it will be Charles Spencer-Chaplin. "Keep eating potatoes in the dark." Such was the advice of a gardening expert last week. I must protest. Have we gardeners not enough bard work and worry in our war against ! nature and pest's, without having to cat potatoes in the dark? Two nood stories came my way this week. One was of an Aucklandcr of good | English family (you know what I mean) j who, anxious to do the right thing by the flagship, inquired of a naval friend what the procedure was. Ho was told that he sliould go on board, leave bis card and sign the visitors' book. This sounded simple, but he found himself bailed up at tho gangway by the sentry, who told him that he could not go aboard. Explanation of his purpose had no oil'ect. "It's only the very select as does that," said the sentry. Just before this a more fashionably dressed mnn j had gone on board on a similar mission, j and the rebuffed one came to the con- I cltißion that visitors were graded "very i select" by the clothes they wore. ; The other story is of a woman who with three children stood patiently in j the queue for a long while and eventu- | ally got on board. No sooner, however, j was the party on board than in some , way the children got mixed up with the ! out-going queue. Explanations were mi- ! availing, and the party had to walk off | again, feeling possibly like Mark Twain when he got up to see the sunrise I on the Rigi, and found that what he was looking at was the sunset. My paragraph about the New Zealand Julius Ccasar brings mc an old story ■ from a correspondent, which I give because it is sure to be new to many of my readers, and has a sequel that is ; new to mc. My correspondent couples Mr. Caesar with an Englishman named Aeland Hood. The two-went fr> m Napier | to Te Aute College, and Mr. Ho-d intri-1 duced Mr. Caesar to some of the Maori boys there. One of them replied, "Alas, I where is my friend Brutus?'' Tiie version 1 have heard, which I think is better, is that the introduction was made to an . apparently uneducated "savage" sitting wrapt iv a blanket, and that he rose : with dignity, bowed, and askrd most politely after the health of Brutus. The sequel"is that the Englishman, enjoying the joke, told a Napier farmer about it, and the farmer replied. "Thai's the result of teaching these black uuiucnliou- j ables the Bible.'' The modern Cac-ar family is not alone in being handicapped by a.famous name. That rare spirit, the late Sir Walter Raleigh, professor of English Literature at Oxford, had a name that was an embarrassment to himself and Irs admirers. When you quote him—and he is most quotable —you have to expln in that you refer to him and not to the great Elizabethan. Raleigh made a trip to America, and naturally the Press looked out for him. An interviewer, boarding tbe liner, accosted a passenger. "Excuse mc. but are you Sir Waller Raleigh?" "No." said the ready Englishman, "I'm Christopher Columbus I"' A