MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume LV, Issue 116, 17 May 1924, Page 18

MERRIER MOMENTS.

Guest: "Are you fond of entertaining visitors'/" Hostess: "Yes, but bo few of them are nowadays!" Pro.: And now, gentlemen, we get X equals zero. Voice from rear: Gee, all that work for nothin'. Colonel Highflyer: What are yonr rates per column? Editor of "Swell Society": For insertion or suppression! Paul: I had a date with a professional mind reader once. Pauline: How did aha enjoy her vacation ? Bright Boy: "I say, dad, I can do something you can't d_! " Father: "What is it?" "Grow!" Edith: Papa is immensely pleased to hear you are a poet. Ferdy: Is he? Kilith: Oh. very—the last of my lovers he tried to lick was a football player. "You say he has no resources?" "No resources." "What's the answer?" "Racehorses." Neurieh: Be sure you get a goodlooking nurse for baby. Mrs. Neurieh: Why? Neurieh: I want him to have police protection Ethel: I rather like that young Doubleday. lie has a good firm mouth and chin! Myrtle: Goodness! Has ha been kissing you, too? Hiram: Well, sir, my shotgun let out a roar and there lay a dead wolf ahead of us! Bored Boarder: How long had it been dead ? Hewitt: Misfortunes never coma singly. Jewett: I know it; yesterday I received two wedding invitations by the same mail. Farmer Giles: "Alius bo oop and doin' my boy—alius be oop and doin*l" ' Son (educated in the city) "Up to what, father? And doing whom?" "An' how's yer wife, PatT" she do be awful sick." "Is ut dangerous she is?" "No, she's too weak fbe daa» gerous army more! " "That man says a dishonest doHcr never passed through his hands." "Not if he could help it," answered Senator Sorghum; "he's always held on to it" "What do you know about the world, sir? Didn't you spend your youth in a theological seminary?" "Ah, but it was right next to- a girl's college." "Take care of yourself, dear," said s__ "Yes, yes, I will," said the curate. "Do," said she, still anxious, "and, remember, don't stand with your bare head on the damp ground." Clergyman: "I've brought back the second-hand car I bought from you last week. It is too obstreperous." Dealer: ' "What's wrong? Can't you run it!" "Not if I remain a minister." First Broker: Dropping a million yesterday didn't seem to disturb Smallfundis a particle. Second Broker: No; he tells mc his wife has had a pretty good week at mah jongg. First Child Prodigy: When are you going to publish your next book? Second Child Prodigy: I don't know. My stenographer's ill and I haven't learned t» write yet.

"Louise I cannot have you reading novels on Sunday." "But, grandma, this one is all right. It is all about a girl who was engaged to three episcopal clergymen, all at once." Fond Young Mother (with her first born): Now, which of us'do you think he is like? Friend (judicially): Well, of course, intelligence has not really dawned in his countenance yet, but he's wonderfully like both of you. "Well, here you are," said the doctor, "a pill for the kidneys, a tablet for the indigestion, and another pill for the nerves." "But, look here, doctor," said the patient, "how will the little beggars know where to go when they're inside?" Salesman (at Harridges): Now, here'i an overcoat for you, sir—look at it—feel the material —there's value for money? Buyer: Yes, but I want a new coat: that happens to be the one I've just taken off. "Which do you think counts for the most in life, money or brains?" "Well, answered Miss Cayenne, " I see so many people who manage to get on with so little of either, that I am beginning to lose my respect for both." "How did you like my sermon Sunday?" asks the modern clergyman. "I couldn't get you," replies the radio churchgoer. "Too much theology" asks the minister. "No," replies the radio lost sheep; "too much interference." Magistrate (to incorrigible miscreant): With eighty-seven previous convictions, you have a crime record dating back to isr>7! Incorrigible: Don't be too 'ard on mc, guvnor—its them thee cinema pictures wot caused my downfall! Angry Visitor: "You called mc a 'political jobber' in your paper this morning." Editor: "Yes. That was a bad error. I have censured the compositor." Visitor: "Then you did not mean it?"' Editor: "Certainly not. I clearly wrote 'political robber.'"' Miggs: "I wish you joy. As an old friend of your father's, permit mc to say that "you will always look back on this day as the very happiest in your life."' "Thank you very much: but you have made a slight mistake. You see. it is to-morrow I am to be marred." Miggs: "I quite understand that."