MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume LV, Issue 76, 29 March 1924, Page 18

MERRIER MOMENTS.

"What's a fairy tale?" "That depend* on whcih way the ferry's going."

"Who invented modesty?" "A bowlegged woman, I suppose."

"Of course, Horace, if the shore of a river is a river bunk, the coast line of the nation is the National Bank."

"Where do your children learn all their bad language;:" "'We live near the income tax collector's office."

Host: What is your Alma Mater, Mr. Xurich? Guest: I never touch it, thanks, but I'll take a cigar instead.

"Horace, darling, drive carefully, won't you? —remember we have Fido with us."

,r May I hold your hand?" "Of course not] This isn't Palm Sunday." "Well, it isn't Independence Day, either."

"Miss Notes can hardly carry a tune." "Well, bUc always sings very heavy stuff."

Little Marion, of Germany, announced: "Papa, I can count!" "Wonderful! Begin then!" "One million! two million, three million."

She: I wonder if you remember mc? Years ago you asked mc to marry yon. The Absent' Minded Professor: Ah, yes, and did you ?

Eminent Specialist: So yon went to a general practitioner. What fool advice did he givs you? "Oh, he told mc to see a specialist!"

Miss Wither: Yes, father has always given mc a book for my birthday. Friend: My, what a wonderful library you must have.

Private Secretary: How shall I charge this money you are giving to the AntiSaloon Leajrue? Millionaire Bootleggers Charge it to insurance.

Iloward: Did you know that to mend an American Hap is forbidden? Jay: What a pit}' it had not been forbidden to mend the Constitution!

"There goos Colonel Potty. I heard daddy say that he was a tremendous lady-killer when he was young." "I spec's they died of fright."

Look here, eir: T have a very serious cinm'plaint. T*;irrlon Tne, sir. This is a restaurant, not a nuking

Your.? Lordlitia (in ATVrta , * :My word! TTiPre sroes the Prince off a horse agtiin. And he was frnvnllinjr incognito, too. Puncher: Yep. But you can't fool a horse.

I met Jones to-day an-4 he told mc Iβ Iβ engaged."

"Glad to hear it —and yet I don't know whj I should be; he never did mc any.

"Mr. Drinkwater sent mc here. Hβ wantjs you to mc a place in your office." "Mr. Drinkwater '! 1 don't know him." "That doesn't matter. I'll intro* duce you."

"I see you havo bought a gramophone. I thought you couldn't stand the sound of the things:" "I can't. But my mother-in-law is staying with, us, and she hates them more than I do."

Barker: Why does a woman always keep a man waiting so long after she says she'll be ready in a minute? Harker: Because she picks out a minute which is about half an hour away.

Mr. Gayly: My wife is learning to play the piano, my daughter is studying vocal music, and my son is struggling with the violin. "}lrs. Golitely: And what are you learning? Mr. Gayly: To be an our-of-door man.

Young bridet^Toom: Do you understand this furnishing hire system? Another: Rather! They send you new furniture and you pay so much a month for it. By the time you hate it it's yours.

Johnson: What in thunder is the baby (caking all that row about t W hat's the little beggar got bold of J

ilrs. Johnson: I gave him tVe coalscuttle and stove poker to play with. That eecmed to be about the only way to keep him quiet.

Revenue Officer: You promised to have tlias; new rum-boat chaser done before ihis. What's the ca-u=e of the delay; Boat Builder: Yes, sir, you're ne_xt on the list, but we have already promised these three rum-boats first.

\Vfea-k Eyes: I want a pair oi strong spectacles. I've just had a very painful experience that I don't want to repeat. Oculist: Did you take a stranger for an acquaintance? Weak Kyes: Worse than that. I took a bumble-bee for a Iberry.

"What are you reading, Charlie?" '"'lt's a book culled '( liilj Tra-ining, , that, 1 .borrowed from .Mrs. Jones," rey turned the voiidl' son. "\)» you find it laughed his mother. "I'm not reading it for that. I merely wanted to see if I had been brought up properly."

Just aa the fjuarde were leading his clit-nt away, t!io lawyer stopped and shook hands with the recent defendant

'■I'm sorry I couldn't do more for you, old man," he apologised. ''Don't mention it. sir," replied tlio prisoner politely. "Ain't five years enough ?''

"I got my stnrt in life through picking up a pin i>l the street. I was refused ompiov-morit by ,1 merchant, and on my tvrv out T f.hv a pin. I—" "Yes, I know: you pinko.! it up. the merchant ,va; improved by your carefulness, c.nt'o'l yon Tvifk nnd' mad.-- ymi head of the firm. I've hoard of that boy so oft.-n , " "Xo; r saw !h" pin, picked it i , p. air! c-Mrl it for £100, it -svas a diamond pin."