MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume LIV, Issue 106, 5 May 1923, Page 18

MERRIER MOMENTS.

"I have never had a penny in my life*' boasted the millionaire, "thai hae n't been earned honestly." ° "By whom J" asked his cynical friend. An absent-minded clergyman hzyisz preached the tame diocoitrau three timeone of his congregation plucked un courage and said: "Hector, ;he Bennoa yuu this morning having had three readings, 1 move that it, now be passed." "Deduction is the thing." declared the amateur detective. "For instance, there is a pile of ushes in on r yard. That is evidence Uiul we ?,ave had fire this winter." "And, by the way, John," broke in hi, will-, "you might go out and sift that evidence." Vicar: < enainly Til come and teg your daughter if she is so very ill; ott 4 what church iio yon attend? Caller: We don't go to no churohr we're chapel people. Vicar: I'hen 'shy don't you aend for your own minister . Caller: Wo couldn't ri<lc him—it'| scarlet fever: The merli<nl officer on duty in the eye, enr. and thrum department of one of the great London hospitals was about to examine a man who complained of severe pain. "Now, then, my friend, is it this ear that's causing the trouble?" he asked. "This, "ere what ?" inquired the patient,----"Loo!; here." the poet gasped to-the sub-editor. "1 wrote a poem about my little t>.iy. and hojjan thus: "My son, 07 pigmy counterpart." •■\Velli' , replied the sub-editor. The prot drew a paper from his pocket. "Kead," he shouted. "See what your compositor lias done. The sub-editor read: "My son, my pig my counterpart." The jrirl was very rich and the young man was poor. Phe liked him, but that was ell, and he knew it. "You are very rich," he remarked. "Yes," she remarked frankly; "I'm worth £75,000." "And T am poor." -Yes."

"Will you marry mc?" "T thought you wouldn't." "Then why did you ask mc!" "Oh. just to see how a man feels who he loses £73,000."

The Theosophist: ' Does your liusbani believe that his soul leaves his body while he sleeps." The Materialist: "I'm not certain; hit he's get a suspicion that his monej leaves his pockets."'

WIIKX DUXX WAS DOXE. Bilkins is fond of riddles. Here is the latest infliction he is trying on hu friends. '"It was done when it was begun; it vas done when it was half done; and yet it wasn't done when it was finished. Now what was it?' . Of course, his friends could not guess. Whereupon J'ilkins explains. "Timothy Johnstone courts Susannah fhinn. It was Dunn when it was begun; it was Dunn when it was half done; and yet it wasn't Dunn whon it was dono-" for it was Johnstone.'' SETTLED. During the trial of a tangled Cfls» between two eostenuon:rers about the possession of a donkey, the judge at the lunch hour nodded pleasantly to the litigants, and said, 'Xow. my men, I'm-going to lunch, and before T come back I hope you'll settle your dispute out of conrt." On his return the. plaintiff bad a black eye and the defendant's nose was bleeding. Said the defendant: "Well, your Honor, we've taken your advice. Jim's given mc a jrood hiding, and I've sw' him back his donkey."

IN SMALL DOSES. Simpcrly 'iid not smoke, and never tjok aU-oholie ' beverage*. Recently he g ot 11.11 down in health and had to consult his doctor, ivho prescribed stout twice daily. It was a sad blow to Simperly, hut "he faced it bravely. Yet his health •lU nor improve, and on his second visit the iloctor I'.ved him sternly. ■1 lain understand it." he said. ''By i!i,' v.ay. I -ii. ...-.' v.ir: arc following th» t:v:unibiii I ordered?" •Vi-ri, du.tiir.' , replied Sknper'.y, meekly. "The stout';" iiui<*tiiinp4 the niedioaj man. "Arc yon takinj; it twice a day? "Yes, doctor,"' repented Mmperly, ""ltfl a lea.-puonhil night and morning."

TIIK PALMIST'S ChVE. At the i-linrcli l.azaar one young woman was miikinj: a nmsideraUc amount of money as a palmist. To "a K'rl ''Hen: .he -aid:----"1 sect l-.y y.iur hand that you are to lie mnrricd"." ' "How wonderful:" answered the astottishcil μ-irl. "And." continued- the diviner, "you are Pliirao-ed to a man named Uibson." •it's perfectiv ama/iiiir:" gasped tli« jjirl. -sun-lv :';.■- line* ou my hand cannot tell y.<u (ho name- " ■'Ulin' siiil iisiytbinp annul linesinterrupted the pa'lmisr. scornfully. "You on- ihe rim: 1 rcdinii-il '.o Mr. Cihson throe weeM THK si'.iri.K r.IFK. Tn the smoking compartment the conversation turned on the merits and demerit of various way* of preserving health. One stout, llorid man hell forth wi;!i i>reat elonuence. "1.-ook at mc:" he mi id. "Never » dnyV sicklier in m> life, and all due to simple food. Why.' ceiulemcn." he continned ■'from th.-Vjru of twenty to that of forty 1 lived an absolutely regular life—mi effeminate .'-li'.KK-.' no hue hours, no e\trava-:an.-e-. Kvery day, Fflimmcr and winter. 1 was in lied reguImiv .■: niiv iiVli- k and up apain at live' in til,- morniii;: I ivorked l* ronl ; -V • th-, 1T.i.1 ilii.i!.-t—a pl» in •Jiriii-r, n:.irk my »<.rd-: .il'icr that an hii!:r". c\er.-i-,. : 'lii.'.i - " n ir," ii.rcrriipted the faceiimip strßiippr in th" corner, "but ivhat were you in ior!' .