A BRIEF INTERLUDE.

Auckland Star, Volume LIII, Issue 308, 29 December 1922, Page 8

A BRIEF INTERLUDE.

(SHOKT BTOKY.)

(By MAURICE LANE-KORCOT.) That any man should owe his success in life to a serjeant-major seems to mc incredible. Especially a serjeant-major of infantry. Vet to R. S. M. Bonks. Mr. St. John St. James owes hie success at the Bar —the Criminal Bar, I mean. I will tell yon. It was at the latter end of 1918 that Mr. St. James firHt miide tho acquaintance of Mr. Bonks. He was standing with a lot of other men all in a row, holding a rifle by the spout and furtively wiping his loft hoot on his right puttee when Mr. Bonks introduced himself. "S<iua-r-r-r, Sh-r-r-r!" saiid Mr. Bonks. Mr. St. James was utterly amazed. He gaped. He dropped his riHe. He tried to pick it up. but the spout crept up hie putters and tripped him up. He sat down abruptly. Being in the front row, everybody noticed his unorthodox attitude. Especially Mr. Bonks. Indeed, that is how the two first came to know each other personally, oh, very personally. After this they were constantly meeting. Hardly a day passed but at 10.30 a.m. or thereabouts, Mr. St. James met Mr. Bonks. And always Mr. Bonka made the same remark, "Squa-r-r-r Sh-r-r-r!" True he said other things a* well, such as "Cap orf!" "Qui-i-i Mnr-r-r!" and "Get yer blankety 'air out, mc lad!" but it was "Squa-r-r-r Rh-r-rr!" that particularly stuck in Mr. St. James , memor}'. it worried him. Night after night for six nights he lay awake in his little tent, tossing and turning. Frequently his comrades spoke harshly to him about it. But he heeded them not. He was puzzling about "Rqua-r-r-r Sh-r-r-r!" In j the name of all things remarkable, what could it mean He never found out. On the seventh nifjht news cam<> through on the ticker that England had Won and he was demobilised. They gave him a new suit, and said he could keep his hoots. But they never told him what "Sijua-r-rr Sh-r-r-r!" meant, and he didn't like to ask them. So bidding farewell to his comrades, and politely raising his cap to the sentry, Mx. (St. John St. James passed out of the camp into civilian life, puzzled and mystified.

Mr. St. John St. Jamtu, barristeratlaw, sat in his chambers udding up hie tint of briefs. It whs un extremely brief list of briefs. In fact, to be brief, there was only one brief on it: tjmithkine v. Doclson. Still, time after time ho added it up. Once, by including his retaining fee of two guineas and his refresher of ten and six he made it come lo three and a-half, but upon checking the figuree he found this was wrong. It was 1922. He rang for his clerk. "Jenkin%" he said, "1 am extremely busy this morning. 1 have 1022 briels. Let'e get to it. In re brief A as per schedule—i.e.—Smithkine v. Dodsun. Who are we for!" "Smithkine, eir," replied Jenkins simply. "Guilty or not guilty, go swelp his bob?" "Who, sir?" "The man, Smithkins, of course." "Pardon mc, sir, it's a lady—Mrs. Smithkine." "G«t her on the 'phone, then." The clerk left the chambers hurriedly. In less than three-quarters cf an hour he iorc back, tired but triumphant. "I\c got her eir," he gasped. "Is she pretty?" "I'll go and ask her," sobbed Jenkins, and left the chambers again. Then he returned. "The lady says she is beautiful, sir," he announced. "Ask her to call, then," directed the barrister. Rat! Tat! Someone was knocking on the door of the chamber*. Mr. St. James laid down hie brief wearily. He had been counting it again. lie mado it thirty-seven. "Who's there?" he called. "It's mc," whispered a voice through the keyhole, "Mrs. Smithkins. May I come in?" "Do", cooed Mr. St. Jamee. A large 8-shaped lady entered. "I've called nbout the brief," she said. "Which one?" snapped Mr. St. James. "Smithkine v. Uodson," said the lady. "I'm the plaintiff. I'm suing Dodson for defamation of character. He says he's my eon. He's nothing of the sort." "Are you sure?" asked the barrister, suspiciously. "Oh, quite," said the lady. "He's redheaded. Mine \va« bald. He was a hair specialist in Harlene Street until he died of sea-sickness after a rough morning on the Marcel Waves. Forgot his Mothersgill. you know. The man Dodson who is impersonating him is nothing but a demobilised batman." "Ah, these crieketere," sighed Mt. St. James; "you never can tell what they'll be up to next. Claims the estate, I I suppose V

"Down to the last hair-pin," sobbed the plaintiff.

Mr. St. James thought deeply. "Does he admit being a batman?' 'he asked, shrewdly.

"No, he denies it," sniffed the plaintiff sadly. "He cays he was never in the arm3 r in his life. Shake his evidence— prove he has been a soldier —and our case is as good as won."

"Eγ—exactly," said Mr. St. James, but not hopefully, and taking his wig off the hat-stand, he put it on his head.

"Come," he said, "Mc Lud is waiting."

The defendant Dodeon stood in the vitnpss-bov. For eeven long, weary hours he had stood there, but not once would he admit having been a soldier.

How to shake this stubborn witness? Over and over again Mr. St. James asked himself this question. If only he coulj startle the man, surprise him, amaze him, knock him off his guard, make him . . . But how? Try as he would the barrister could not think of anything startling. Yet wait! Why, of course! The very thing! He would try it. He caught his breath. His chest swelled. He threw hie head back. "Squa-r-r-r Sh-r-r-r!' , he roared. The effect was electrical. With a gasp of astonishment the comatose defendant shot upright, bringing his heels together with a click, hands level with the seams of the trousers. He had assumed the attitude of attention! "Tricked, by gad!" cried the Lord Chief Justice, and hopped off the Woolsack, cheering wildly. Crash! The opposing counsel had thrown up his brief. It had hit the gas-bracket. "Clear the court!" yelled the enthusiastic ushers. "Smithkins wins! Next case."

That any man should owe his success in life to a sergeant-major seems to mc incredible. Especially a. t>erje«nt-ma.jor of infantry. Yet to R. S. M. Bonke, Mr. St. John *St. James, K.C., 0.8. E., V.S., R.5.V.1 , .. K.W.1., owes his ]>osition as liecorder-Geneial.— "London Opinion."