MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume LIII, Issue 160, 8 July 1922, Page 20

MERRIER MOMENTS.

•Little Girl (caught stealing Jam): "WeH mummy, I'm very eorry; bat taeae little lapses will occur." Pa: "We ought to bare named tint boj 'Flannel. , " Mβ: Why?" P»: "Became to shrinks ftoa washing." Jones: "Ton say she is prond?" Bora: "Prond! Why, that woman wouldn't rca4 a serial etory because she'd have to bvf It on the instalment plan!" "Now, children," said the teacher, "I Jure two apples in my right band and one la my left. How many apples have IT , "About a ebimng'B wortn!" bawled oat I small boy at the back. Visitor: "How much milk does the old cow give?" Farm Hand: "About eifht quarts a. day, mom.' . Visitor: "And how much of that do jm sell?" Farm Hand: "Abont twelve, mum." Magistrate: "So yon broke an ■mebrell* over your husband's bead? What hare yon to say?" 'Defendant: "It was a haccldent, air." Magistrate: "How could it lie an accident?" Defendant: "Well, I 'ad no intention of breaking the umbrella!"

A certain young man bad an amazingly large mouth, which be contorted Into aft all-pervading (mile whenever be wlined t« «naif» a good impression. His sweetheart bad persuaded him to "ask father," and tb» youth was determined to show himself to good advantage. "Mr. Jenks." he began, stretching Us principal feature to the utmost of geniality, "I have come to ask for the hand of you daughter. I " "Just a moment," Interrupted th« old gentleman, mildly; "would you mind closing your month for a moment till I Mc woo you areJ" XETW BROOM. The new typist determined to make * S?>od Impression upon her chief. She turned up half an hour early, and began tidying op the room. When that was done she examined her typewriter, discovered that it was is » shocking condition, found a bottle, and gavt it a thorough oiling. Then the examined all the other typewriters In the office, and oiled them, too. There is nothing, she thought, Uμ making oneself indispensable! Her chief arrived. He looked around with an air of satisfaction, and crossed to the mantelpiece. Then his smile changed to a frown. "Miss Smith," he said, "have you sew my congh mixture?"

DUMB SHOW. A young man attended a dance given t* the patients of a deaf and dumb asylum, and asked the matron if he could dance with any of the girls present. She consented. He picked out one, mad* gome signs to her in dumb show, and nl they went. They had danced two or three dances 5a dead silence, when a young man came up to the girl and said, "Don't you know this Is my dance. Gertie?" "Yes, I know," said the girl; "but I can't get away from this dreadful dumb fellow." THE ESCAPE OF JAMES. Tlie Dike and Duchess of Dashshlre were always very original, and at one of their grandest parties nobody was surprised, in the concert that came airer dinner, to flna a -performing flea turn Inserted between an aria by Verdi and a claeslcal dance. The man with the performing Ocas »al<i he wonld begin with an exhibition hy James, his champion Jumper. He tooK James out of a pill-box and said: "Jump, James!" James jumped—a tremendous leap. U landed him on the duchess' broad white bosom. The man, of course, was very sorry, most He recovered James. Then he said once more: "Jump, James!" But James didn't move. "James, jump, I tell you!" Jamea still remained motionless. The man was mystified. He frowned, shook his head and muttered to hlmselfFinally, he took out a magnifying glass ana studied James closely through It. Then h» made the duchese a stiff bow and said: 'Tarton mc, your Graces, bat ibis it act