MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume LIII, Issue 95, 22 April 1922, Page 22

MERRIER MOMENTS.

Drowning Man: "Quick, throw mc a lifebelt!" Rescuer (a tailor): "Yes, sir. What size round the waist?" Curzon: "Is your wife artistic?" Pearce: "Yes. Why, she doesn't care how the soup tastes so long as it is a pretty colour!"

Ambler: "Some men can appreciate single blessedness." Rose: "And some are not satisfied until they are doubly blessed."

Mr. Hardup: "I wonder what makes our son William so restless?" Mrs. Hardup: "Oh, most of our Bills are unsettled!"

Farmer Hayseed: "That new man of mine is a regular steam-engine!" Farmer Corncake: "Good worker, eh?" "No. Good whistler!"

Hubby: "What a glorious day! T could dare anything—face anything on a day like this." VTifle: ''Come on down to the milliner's."

Fishmonger: "Fresh? Why. ma'am, that flsh breathed its last when it saw yer coming!" Customer (sniffing): "And wot a breath it had!"

Unwin: -Every trade seems overcrowded with experts." Broadley: "The great need at the present time is fewer experts and more exports."

Teddie: -Mushrooms always grow in damp places, don't they, father?" Pa: ••Yes." "Is that why they look like umbrellas, father?"

j Fellowes: "Does your wife cry when she I gets angry?" Parkes: "Yes: it isn't the I-eat of her temper that distresses mc so [-much as tbe humidity."

Visitor: "When docs your husband And time to do all his reading?" The Wife: "Usually when T want to tell him something very important!"

Ethela: "Miss True is a very proper young lady." Valda: "Very much so! She Wouldn't accompany a young man on the piano without a chaperon."

."The human anatomy is a wonderful bit of mechanism." observed the Sage. "'ics. agreed the Fool, "rat a man on the back and you'll make his head swell."

Dodd: "Do you think there will ever be an agreement on the question of armaments?" Todd: "Not until they get together and fight it out."

Gongh: "Do you see that Ford has invented a mechanical cow?"'- Tatler: "Humph! I should think tbe steak I had for lunch yesterday was off that animal."

He: "What on earth do you keep clapping for? That last singer was awful." She: "I know, but I liked tbe gown she wore, and I want to have another look at it."

Johnnie: "Father, what's the meaning ot the word •groom'?" Father: "To groom: Verb, meaning to feed, to brush and wait upon. Noun, one who assumes these duties for a bride."

Customer: "Here, what's the meaning ot this? 1 don't mean to be shaved by this kid!" Barber: "It's only my own youngster. 1 let him have a bit of fun to-day, sir, because it's, his birthday."

Mrs. Pecke: "So you were detained at the office by a will esse?" Mr. Pecks: Yes, dear —a consultation with the heir." "Yes. 1 see you brought it home with you on your shoulder. She was fair, I notice."

"You tell mc," said the judge, "that this is the person who knocked you down with his motor car. Could you swear to the man?" "I did," returned the complainant eagerly; "but he didn't stop to hear mc."

"Fred, dear, why are some women called Amazons?" "Well, my dear, you remember our geographies said the Amazon has the largest month " But she went out and slammed the door before he could say any more.

Clarice: "Can't you make love like some of the screen heroes?"" Clarence: "What do you mean". "Kiss mc without disturbing my rouge, embrace mc without disarranging my hair, and drlvr my bead to your shoulder without leaving powder all over your coat!"

Townley: "Do you often have to rush to catch your morning train?" Hampton: "Oh, it's- about even honours. Sometimes I am standing at the station when the train puffs up* and other times It is standing at the station when I puff up!"-

Mistress 4 '(indignantly): "Mary, whatever did you mean by wearing my low-necked evening dress at the bus-drivers' ball last night? Keally you ought to be ashamed of yourself."

'.Mary (meekly): "I was, mum: you never card sicii remarks as they made."

Her Mother: "I understand, my dear., your husband is very stingy with his needy relatives." She: "Thafs not true, mother. He's so generous that he would give them the clothes off bis back, for when I asked him where his overcoat was, so that I could put it away, he said his uncle had it." BENJAMIN HAD BOLTED.. The vicar was sitting in Ms study bard at work on the following Sunday morning"s sermon when a visitor was announced.. She was a hard, muscular-looking woman, and when the minister offered her a_ ihalr she said, brusquely: "You are Mr. Jenkins.aren't yon?' ' ' 0 "I am." replied the good man. "Well, maybe you remember marryin' a couple of strangers at your ehunli a mouth ago?" 1 "What arc the names?"' asked the clergyman. "Benjamin Simpson and Eliza Brown," replied the woman, "and I'm Eliza." "Are you indeed?" said the minister. "I think T remem " "Yes." interrupted the visitor. "I'm her all right, an' I thought as how I ought to drop In an" tell you that Benjamin's escaped." ALL THE LATEST. ""You were at the opera last evening?" "Yes: perfectly delightful time." "What did you hear?"' "Hear? Oh. Mollle Simpson is engaged at last, and Tom Johnson has lost all his money on the Stock Exchange, and Mrs. Wilklns was lunching with another man while her husband was out of town, and " "But—you don't understand. What did you see?" "See? Why. that Kate Wilson has turned her gown, and that those wonderful diamonfis we read of are only paste, and that the Jenkinses are not on speaking terms even In public, and " "But—but—what was the name of the opera?"

"Name of the opera? Oh—why, T did see it on the programme, but, really, Ira forgotten. I have such a poor memory tor aetxtts."