MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume LII, Issue 282, 26 November 1921, Page 19

MERRIER MOMENTS.

Four-year-oi!d (to her favourite doil, the- | !oss of whose arm exposes the sawdust,): ] "Oh. you dear. K ood. obedient dolly. 1 ; know I told you to chew you.- food fine, I bwt I had no idea you would chew it us i Sne as that." i Professor: '"How was Alexander 11. of Russia killed V i Student (vaguely): "By a bomb." ■Professor: "Be a little more explicit. please." Student On desperation): "Well, you see I —er —it exploded." 'FTom a schoolboy's essay on swiji:— "■Soap is a kind of stuff made in caKe;* ' vrhat you canit eat. It smells good aiw testes orfTil. Soap always ta.-tes worst when you get it in your eye. Father says lEskimose -don'-t never use soap; I wish 1 was an Eekhnc.se." "Yo'i're foT ever trying to give the impression £hat you're a martyr," snapped Mrs. Peck. "I suppose you want every- I ".No," replied >Mr. Peck; "I suffer in the I perpetual absence of silence. A lintle silence wculd be a positive pleasure to ■3ie. iBill: " 'Clio. 'Enery! Got that crate of chickens you sent the wife all right, but next time I wish yon'd fasten 'em a bit more careful. Comln from 'the station rhe beastly Wrings got out. I spent hours seourin' the neighbourhood, and then found only ten o.r "em." ■lEncry: "'Ush, BUI; I only sent six." A Scottish minister discovered a trouscrbutton in the collection plate one iSunday morning. | , In the :eveninc, when he ascended the purpit, he announced: "I wish to remind you that there will 'be a collection at the close of the service. The text 1 have chosen for this evening's sermon is: "Rend your hearts and not yonr garments." " "•Sir!" exclaimed rhe injured party, "you stuck your umbrella Into my eye." "Oh, no." replied the cheerful offender, "you are mistaken." ■'Mistaken?" demanded the irate man. "I know -when my eye is hurt. I suppose?" •TJonbtless." replied the cheerful fellow, "■but you don't know my umbrella. I 'borrowed this one from a friend to-day.' , I/awyer (to coloured prisoner): "Well. Kas, so you want mc to defend you. Have yon any money?" ■Kastus: ">"o; but I'se got a mule and a few (ShicSene. and a hog or two." ■Lawyer: "Tlrae will do very nicely. Xow, let mc see; vrhat do they acense you of stealing?" 'Eastus: "Oh, a nrale, and. a few chickens, and a hog or itwo." A pawnbroker was deep in sleep, when a hammering at his front door caused him to lurry to his bedroom window. "Wuatsh the time?" asked the caller. "Do you mean to tell me—?" he stormed. "I wan'sh. know tlhe time," repeated the midnight visitor. "How dare yon knock f "fWell," broke in the injaped reveller, "you've got my watch." Tn a corner of a railway carriage was a young man studying a. set of official-look-ing papers. Suddenly he put his hands to his Ihead and cried alond in his angnish. To sympathetic inquiries he explained that ihe had sat the previous day for a Civil Service examination. "For the essay test," be said, "we were asked to explain the advantages of keeping a diary. I have just realised that I ibave handed in four bean-tifully-written pages on the advantages of keeping a dairy."

A ■boy 'had 'been brought into court for the sixth time on a charge of dtealing same, and 'the magistrate, seeing the father present anxiously awaiting the result, thought he -wonld appeal to him on the boy's behalf.

"This boy of yours," lie said, alernly. "has been charged so many times, that ■I'm absolutely tired aS seeing him here." " Ain't as tired of seem' 'im 'ere, sir, as what I am," was the reply. "Then wly don't you tea<ih him better?" said the magistrate. "If you show him the right way lie won't he coming here." "I ibave showed him the right way," was the reply, "but the young fool's sot no brains. Hβ always gets caug'htt." SPOIXiHD THE KTOT. The son of the proprietor of a wholesale drapery establishment entered the business, and, iaving taken a dislike to the duties of ttie counting-house, his lather decided to give him a trial '"on the road." On returning from his first journey, his father asked him how he llKed it. "Oh," replied the son, "it's a very jolly life; yon meet some decent fellows at the hotels, and ihave plenty of fun in the evenings; but what I don't like about it is calling- on those drapers." TOMAIY'tS WAY OUT. The sun was shining outside, and Tommy •was tired of his arithmetic lesson. He stood before the master, waiting to be toM that he could go. "Your last problem is wrong," said the master. "You must stay." Tommy glanced at the clock. •Tlow much am I out, sir?" tie asked. "Fivepence," was the reply. Tommy iput his hand In his pocket, and [Kwinced fivepence. "I'm in an awful (hurry, air," he said; "do yon mind if ] pay the difference?" THE LAYVYIER'S ir.A;yiF.VT The visitor to the lawyer's office stood in amazement. "I say, old man," he eiciaimod; "wh:it on earth has happened to yevu? Had a motor smash, or what?" The lawyer shook his head. "No. You remember that oa.se the other day when I defended a man charged with assault? Well, 1 made a strong plea for him on the ground that he was a fuol rather than a criminal." "Yes. bat " "I did it so well drat lie was s.-ijuitted, GUIDTY2 Au oftifftr was oourcmartlaiieil for intoxicate.!. The evidence for the [■«*- ---ration ivjs <\rerwheluiin.r. I" 1 "" f ' U! " •'■'■ fence there was tout one witnes>. the Iristi | batman of the acimsed. This fjiltUfu: fe'low was qnes'tioned. ami nnsworH 'ii--: ••Do you rememiJcr the niglit of the centh?" "I do, sorr!" ••Do you remember tie nci'tise-l ••-■aitiia •bai-k to his qnarters?" "I do, sc-rr!" ■Was ie Intoxicated ':" "lie was not, sorr:" -Was be .perfectly sober*" ••He was. soxrl" ■■lion- did you know he. wa- M>l>er; j -.By tlie way he kep £ on te "'"' mc '" call him early, sorj!" -Oh. He told you to call him early, did be?" ; ••He did. sorr: He said he was to bo t Qncen of the Slay:" | v