MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume LII, Issue 72, 26 March 1921, Page 19

MERRIER MOMENTS.

■■ Henry, you tare run over a man '. " "Don't worry— he had already been run over by the car ahead of us." And bow do yon like ynur new neighbours. Mrs. Smith ? " '■ Why. Mrs. Jones. I haven't had time to rail yet; but I intend to so.in. as they keep two motor cars." "Thnt young bridf worships her husband, doesn't she?" "Well, the places burnt offerings befo-e iiim. three times a <lay." I j Prosecutor: Have you crer been n» rieted of anything 7 Witness: Yes. I'm ; oii<-e. Prosecutor: All right, tell the jnrr i what you were convicted of. Witness: i j was just convicted of waiting on myself la la grocery store; that's all. Thi> teacher asked a lit tip- chap what his nnme was. " Jule," was the quiet respond*. " Don't say .Ttfie: say Jnlius," corrected th« teai-her. and then passed on to the next tot. " What's your name ? " she asked. " Bilious," was the disconcerting reply. Teacher: What are the properties of heat and cold ? Small Pupil: The property of heat is to expand and cold to contract. Teacher: Now mc an example. Small Pupil: In summer, when it is hot, the days are long: in winter, when it is cold, th» days are short. ''I'm -sorry, you-ng man-,"' said the druesr:st. as be eyed tb« small boy over fine counter, "but I can only give yon belf a« rnui-h castor-oil for a dime as I iced to.™ The boy blithely handed him bhe rota. "I'm not kicking," he remarked. "The stuffs for mc." " You were too lenient with the chauffeur of that motor truck." said a fussy pedestrian. " I know he violated the law," said rbe traffic policeman, '" but 1 didn't have the heart to arrest him. 'He used to be a grand duke and everybody sot out ol the way of his car." ■Xervou? Individual: "Well, Mrs. Kipper, I think it's qiite time the passage walrs were repapered." Landlady: "Parding roe sir. but I am waiting to see 'ow your 'ealth goes on. Coffins is such things to knock the paper off!" The origin of the bagpipes- wax; beinir &te~ cussed, the representatives of different nations eagerly disclaiming responsibility for the atrocity. -Fta-aily an Irishmen said: "Well, I'll tell you the truth atwot it. The Irish invented dt and sold It to the %<otch as a joke; and the Scotch ain't seen the joke yet!" " It is not always necessary to make a direct accusation," remarked a lawyer who was asking damages in behalf of a client because of insinuations his good name. " You men have heard of th« • woman who called to the maid servant: ' Mary, Mary, come here and take the parrot downstairs —the master has dropped his collar stud.' " Jones had J>een grumbling about the gas ' bill, and iHobinson advised him to have » penny-ln-the-slot meter installed. '"Does that work out cheaper?' , asked Jones. "I always onderstood It coet more." "Not a bit, my boy," replied Robinson, cheerfully. "Ton see, yon set the kiddles to put their pennies in it thinking they are saving up for their "Well, my dear," said he, as he was dressing, "I s'pose yon were right when yon told mc last night there were burglars In the house." "Why?" " Because all the money that was in my pockets when I went to bed Is gijne." "Well, if you'd been brave and got n> and shot the wretch you'd have had your mon-ey this morning." "Possibly—but then I should have "been a widower." She gave him back half his money,. BE MOBE CAREJUL.. "I'll ring for Nora to bring a fres* pitcher of water," said the professor's wife. j■' You doubtless mean a pitcher of fresh water. ' corrected "her husband. " I wish you would pay more attention to your rhetoric: your mistakes are curious." Ten minutes later the professor said: " That picture would show to better advantage if you were to hang it over tee clock." " You doubtless mean above the clock." she retorted quietly. "If we were to hang it over the clock we couldn't tell the time. I I wisb. you would be more careful wirn your rhetoric, my dear; your mistakes are curious." 11 MAKING IT L'P. [I For years a bitter feud had existed » between the Browns and Robin-sons, next- ' ■ door neighbours. The trouble had originated through the depredations of Brown's cat. and had grown so fixed an aitair that I ntttber party ever dreamed of " making- !t 1 up." One day, ho-wever. Brown cent bis ) servant next door with a peace-making note for Mr. Robinson, which read: " Mr. Brown sends his compliments to Mr. Robinson, and begs to say that his old cat died this 'morning." Robinson's written reply was I bitter : " Mr. Hobinson Is sorry to bear of I ■Mγ. Brown's trouble, bat he had no* USEFLTi INFORMATION. " Reg your pardon, air, but yon have ii hi your power to mc a great favour and one that I will gladly repay." said a stranger who entered the business offlees of a bankrupt. " I am afraid you have mad , - , a mistake. I am of no use to anybody." sjii'i the bankrupt. " I have j'jst for half a million, and with no assets •' So I iieurd." " You knew It, asd y»"t y"U say I can be of service to you ? " " Xc», ' sir; I beg you will not refuse." " B:it wnar can a miserable bankrupt like ni<; do for any one ? " "I want yo-J tn fell roe. sir. now you got so much credit." THE SICK PROFITEER Armin W. Kilev. the rS.-ieiK bcßtl of Lh* - " flying squadron " that down profiteers for the TVrmrunen: of Ju<:■■-. told a 1 I profiteer story at a Washington reception. '|"A si.'k profiteer." h<* said, "was cold by a nbvsiciau lhii he had only a short time ito live. Accordingly expressed a desire for The dlviu.- entered the dying pro- ■ nteer's L-hambvr :,uJ the door >vas ,-lose.l. ' An buiir. two hours, three hours passed. Nothing was tr> be heard by the attendant nurs. s and physicians outside in the corridor save the steady, monotonous flow of tb° profiteer's confession, punctured or brief Indignation on the part n: die d!vin». Lunch was sent into the sickroom, and the confession went, on. The afternoon waned. The sun spL The n:ght fell. The divine* dinner was carried to him. And still th«" profiteer continued to confess. Hasrcanl and unstrung, the diviue at last tottered forth at daybreak. 'Our unfortunate friend.' h» said. 'is no more. Be worked very, very hard; but at the tim<? he passed away be ■ had only carried his confession through tie first year of the war.' "