MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume LI, Issue 290, 4 December 1920, Page 22

MERRIER MOMENTS.

Mother: If you fell in the water, why are your clothes dry 1 Tommy: I took 'em off in case of accident.

Bert (paasionately) : Life to mc was a desert until 1 met you I Doreen (coldly) : Is that why you danlike a camel!

"'I do not believe that I have a true friend in the world." "So you have been trying to borrow money, too, have you?" "Did you tell her "when you proposed to her that you were unworthy of her? That always makes a hit with them." "1 was going to, but she told, mc first." Percy: Oh, yes, don't you know; T can always tell what people are thinking of mc. Prudence: Can you? How extremely unpleasant for you! Hub: What are these chops—lamb or pork? Wife: Can't you tell by the taste? Hub: No. Wife: Well, then, what difference does it make? "Too bad about .Tim and the jrirl he's engaged to. Neither of them is good enough for the other." "Where did you get that idea?" "I've been talking the matter over with both families." "I have just got a new attachment for the family piano," said Mr. Growcher; "and it's a wonderful improvement." "What is it?" "A lock and key." Hubby: Yes, dear, you look nice in that dress, but it cost mc a heap of money. Wifie: Freddie, de*u*, what do I care for money when it is a question of pleasing you? AN ENVIABLE POSITION. "What is that little 'boy crying about?" asked the 'benevolent old lady of the ragged boy. "That other kid pinched his sweets," was the response. "But how is it that you have the sweets now?" "Because I'm the little kid'a lawyer." PROOF OF THE FACT. "This is a nice time to come home," said the wearry, waiting wife to her belated husband. "My deaT," said he, "didn't I tell you beforo we were married that I wa«—t worthy of you?" "Yes," sha replied, "but I didn't think that yon would make such desperate J efforts to prrove it." AN OBLIGING SHOPMAN. The euper_ut wandered into a shop. "1 say," he 6aid to the shopman, "could you take that yellow tie with the pink spots out of the window for mc?" "Certainly sir," Teplied the shopman. "We're pleased to take anything out of the window at any time." "Thank b, awf'ly. It's jawly good of you," as he made for the door. "The thing bothawß mc every time T pass, fioo' moruin' !" SOMETHING RELIGIOUS. They were out fishing. A big storm blew up. Things looked bad. Looks of despair settled on the faces of the fishermen. Then O'Toole took a hand. "Can yez pray?" he questioned. "No," replied .'his companions. "Can yez sing hymns?" he pursued. "No," replied his companions. "Well, thin," said O'Toole resignedly, "Oi'll pass around the hat. We must do somethin' religious." A CUTTING —EMINBER. "No safety-deposit-vault red tape for mc!" declared tlie woman who cannot heip 'being the wife .of a very rich man. "I keep my jewels in a shabby old trunk in my own room. There isn't even a lock on it. I had to force it off one time when I'd mislaid the key." "Evidently you don't encourage fenterprise in burglars," observed one of her •hearers. "All a man would have to do wonld be to raise the lid. You might at least give him _ little trouble." "He'd have trouble enough," Baid the woman mysteriously. "Our coachnian's brother is en old sailor—a perfect artist in knots! —and he showed mc how to bind np the trunk in the most complicated way, and no burglar could possibly untie it. He wouldn't know the combination." The only man in tbe group grinned. "Of —urse," he ___ured reflectively, "no mere man would ever dream of cutting those knots."

TBLLING T_*£ TALE. The master of the 'house had been abroad, and on his home-coming was met at the station by his Scott*— h ghiQie. Master: "Well Donald, ari_ how are you? I hope everybody is well!" Donald: "Yea, sir, yea; in a manner of speaking, everybody's wall—unless it might 'be the dog." Master: "Why, what's the matter with the dog?" Donald: "Weill, eir, some say one thing and some another, but I think my—-If -he wag eating some of the cinders when there wae the lire.** • Maßter: "A fire, Donald! What fire ■was there?" Donald: "Yes, sir; a little fire, eir, in the stables." Master: ***Good gracious! How did _c stables catch fire?" Donald: "Well, sir, I think they must have, caught fire when the house waa •burnt down!" Master: "Good heavens, man, bnt how did the house get on fire?" Donald: "Well, sir, some say one thing, and some says another, but I do thint myself that one of the candles that was round the corpse fell down and started tho fire." Master: "Corp—! Tell mc quickly, Donald, who is it that's dead?" Donald: "Oh, well, sir, it's yoorr sister, sir. She's dead." Master: -"Deadi But she was quite well when I went away. What was the mat—r with her?" Donald: "Well, sir, some say one thing, another. But for my part, I don t think she was ever the same after your wife ran away with the Major!"