MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Issue 123, 24 May 1919, Page 18

MERRIER MOMENTS.

"My husband is so jealous!" "How abeurd!' "Why, isn't yours?" "Of course not." "How humiliating!"

"Wot'e die here ennir, Bill?" "It's when a feller gets co lazy he feels dat loafin's blamed hard work. ,.

Mrs. Crabehaw: When I was a child my mother never caught roe telling etoriee. Willie: How did you manage to do it, ma?

"Then the wedding was not altogether a. success?" "No; the groom's mother cried louder than the bride's mother. It was considered very bad form."

Smythe: "I dropped a halfpenny In front of a blind beggar to-day to see rf he'd pick it up." Tompkine:Well, did he?" Smythe: "Not a bit of it. He said, 'Make it a sixpence, governor, and I'll forget myself.'"

"Mamma, have I any children?" asked six-year-old Dorothy. "Of course not, dear. What do you mean?" "Well, the preacher spoke in church this morning about children's ' children, and I wondered if I had any." IT WAS ALL "OFF." Chumpleigh (after having waited an hour for his fiancee) —"Look here, what do you mean toy keeping mc standing here like a fool for an hour! , '

His Fiancee (sweetly)—" Well, I can't help you being a fool, can I?" THE HAPPY MEAN. Father (home on leave) : I hope you! have been a good boy during my absence, Jack ? Jack: Well, no, I'm afraid I haven't. Father: Indeed! I hope you haven't been very bad ? Jack: No-o! Just comfortable! MISLAID. "Aren't you rsady, dear" called husband from downstairs. "As soon as I fix my hair, Henry," came the reply. "Haven't you fixed your hair yet? For gracious cakes!" came from Henry an hour later. "Fixed it?" shouted the female voice. "I haven't found it yet!" THIRD, AND LAST TIME. A miner explained one day to a bishop why he never went to church. "You see, bish, it's like this," the miner said; "the fust time I went to church they threw water in my face, and the second time I went they tiod mc to a woman I've had to keep ever since." The biehop emiled primly. "And the third time you go," he said, "they'll throw dirt on you." A FIFTY-FIFTY IRISHMAN. In his book, "From Gallipoli to Bagdad" "Padre" William Ewing tells the story of a burly Irishman brought into the field-hospital suffering from many wounds. "What are you ?" asked the doctor. "Sure, I'm half an Irishman." "And what'e the other half?" "Holes and bandages." THE WOKM TURNS. Brandcr Matthews, the veteran Ameri- : can, who is a« -bright and light with hie I pen as ever, tells the story of a British { barrister who eaid to a browbeating' judge: "Your lordship eeems to forget that I am after all a vertebrate animal, whereas your lordship's tone to mc would he unbecoming in God Almighty to a black beetle." CHEERFUL OPTTMIST. William White was a lad of champion optimistic calibre. As a visitor to the hamlet discovered. It seems that William White's brother had killed a man in cold blood. "Well, William, how about your brother?" the visitor asked him one day after the trial. '-Well," said William, "they've put him in gaol for a month."' "That's rather a light sentence for a cold-blooded murder," said the visitor. "Yes, sir," William admitted, "but at the end of the month they are goin , to hang him." ONE CAUSE FOR THANKS. The (Rev. Moses Jackson was holding services in a small country church, and

at the conclusion lent his hat to a member (as was the custom) to pass around for contributions. The brother canvaased the congregation thoroughly, but the hat was returned empty to its owner. ißr"er Jackson looked into it, turned it upside down, and shook it vigorously, but not a copper was forthcoming. He sniffed audibly. "Brederen," he said, "I sho' is glad da-t I got ma hat back ergin." FULL OF MEANING. William J. Burns, the noted detective, said in a lecture: '"To a well-trainqd detective every incident is pregnant with significance—yes, every incident is as lull of meaning as—well, I am reminded of a story. A young man sat in a parlour alone. To him a beautiful girl entered. Thereupon the young man arose, took six cigars from his upper waistcoat pocket, laid them carefully on the piano, and then advanced towards the girl passionately, his arms outstretched. But the girl drew back. Tou have loved before,' she said." SOMETHING OF IMPORTANCE. In a small town where somthing of importance happens perhaps once a year signs were posted on every tree and pole

which read, "He is coming. He is coming." About tivo weeks later new signs appeared proclaiming, "He is Hiere. He is here. He is at the Town Hall to-night. Admission, sixpence." All the townsfolk, enticed by the prospect of seeing a distinguished person, gathered at the hall at the time appointed. At 8 o'clock the curtain was raised, displaying a large sign, which read, "He has gone." A BILLET PU'DDTNG. "Mβ and two other chaps," said the soldier, "\ra< billeted with a newly-married couple. t sez to her one day, "Missus, could you maks us a pudden?' 'Well, sonny,' sez she, 'I've never nia.de one, but I'll have a try if you'll tell mc what sort you'd like." We all thought a roly-poly jam one would be nice. "How do you mek it?" sez ehe. "Well, , I sez, 'you tek some paste, roll it out. spread jam on, and boil it.' That night wo didn't get in till seven, and we.was some hungry, I tell yer. s ready, sonny,' sez she. "AH right, missus. We'll have our meat and taters first, , I sez. Then ehe brought in the pudden. When she turned it out it looked l'rke a retriever pup. 'Missis.' I sez, 'there's tuppence uostadra in mc coat pocket; go and get it-> hair cut.' She had boiled it in a woollen etockingl"