MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XLIX, Issue 148, 22 June 1918, Page 14

MERRIER MOMENTS.

Baby Camel: Mamma, can I have a ;drink? Mamma Camel: Shut up! Why, !it was only five weeks ago that I gave you one.

Peck: You will never get the dog to obey you, my dear. Mrs. Peck: I will 'With patience. You were just as trouble- ! some yourself at first.

First Artist: Brushe'm does some very realistic work, doesn't he? Second Artist: Yes, last week he painted an •apple, and to-day I-heard a critic say it was rotten. .

"Now," said the photographer to the young man, "it will make a much better picture if you put your hand on your father's shoulder."

"Humph!", grunted the father. "It would be more natural if he put it in my pocket!" «

The bored youth turned to his dinner partner with a yawn. ' "Who is that strange-looking man over there who stares at mc so much?" he drawled.

"Oh, that's Professor Jenkins," she replied, airily, "the famous expert on insanity,"

"Good-night, you precious lamb!" said the mother, with the liberty one sometimes takes, even with one's son, at bedtime.

"Mother," said the small boy beseechingly, "if you must call mc something, wouldn't you just as soon call mc a billygoat!"

JUST SO. Wife: "In a battle of tongues, a woman can always hold her own." Husband: "But she never does."

HE KNEW ALL RIGHT.

- "Do you know where the little boys go who don't put their Sunday-school money in the plate?" "Yes'm—to the cinema."

A FRUGAL MIND. Doctor: Well, Mr. McPhearson, I'm glad to see you out again. You've had a long illness. McPhearson: Ay, doctor, and varra expensive. I was wunnerin' if it was worth while at ma time o' life.

* BOUND TO SUCCEED.

"Father, when I graduate I am going to follow my literary bent, and write for money." "Humph! My son, you ought to' be successful. That's all you did the three years you were up at Oxford."

IMPOSSIBLE.

Bronson":' "I understand that he painted cobwebs on the ceiling so perfectly that the housemaid wore herself out trying to sweep them down-" Johnson : "There may have been such an artist, but never such a housemaid."

BOTH COMING.

Hilda had been sent to the kitchen to fetch some ily-papers. After some time had elapsed her mother called out: — "Hilda, dear, can't you get them?" "No, mamma," came the reply; "they've got mc. But we're both coming."

IMPLICIT FAITH.

Distinguished counsel was addressing the jury. He reached his peroration: "The principal fault of the prisoner," he declared impressively, "has been his unfortunate characteristic of putting faith in thieves and scoundrels of the basest description. 1 have done. The unhappy man in the dock puts implicit faith in you, gentlemen of the jury."

GOT ONE.

He (after popping the question) : "Why do you cry, my angel ? Did I offend you by my proposal She (still sobbing) : "On, no dear, it is not that; 1 am crying for joy. Mother always said to mc, 'May,' she said, 'you are such an idiot that you would not get even a donkey for a lover,' and now II have got one after all."

RATHER DELICATE.

j Connie, aged eight, had picked up a ! newspaper from her father's armchair, and was spelling out the news items. i "It says here," she called to her bro- ! ther, "that another oc-to-gen-ar-ian is dead. What is an oc-to-gen-ar-ian?" "I don't know what they are," said j William, who was three years older than his sister, "but they must be awful 6ickly. You never hear of 'em but they're : dying."

A REAL LADY.

A cabman was summon for using threats to a lady, and his constant remark in Court was: "She ain't no

lady." "Do you know a lady when you see one?" asked the Judge. "I do, yer Honor. Last week a lady gave mc a sovereign instead of a shilling, an' I said to her, 'Beg pardon, madam, but you've given mc a sovereign,' when Bhe said, 'Well, you old fool, keep the change and get drunk.' That's what I calls a lady."

FROM HEADQUARTERS.

Back from Oxford he came, resplendent in a black and red blazer, white trousers, and a dinky little straw hat. Withal he was very long and lanky, and wore glasses that were at least four sizes too large for him. "My son." said his father, after scrutinising him, "you look like a silly fool." Later the centenarian from next door came in to admire. "William," he cried in admiration, "you look exactly as your father did twenty-five years ago." "So's he just been telling mc," said William, with a sly smile.

SOME POPULAR LIES.

"Yes, madam, after you've worn these shoes a couple of times they'll fit perfectly." "My -firm could scarcely get along without mc."

"You are the first man who has evekissed mc."

"Madam, an operation is absolutely necessary!" "I sometimes wish I knew how it feels to be sea-sick."

"Oh, no! Our baby never cries at night."

ONE OF THE ORPHANS.

A party of English officers were walking down a Dublin street a short time ago, when a native Irishman was seen approaching in the distance. One of the officers, who considered himself very witty, thought he would have a little fun with the son of Erin. He walked up to him, and said: "Pat, I hear the devil's dead." The Irishman said never a word, but put his hand in his pocket and brought forth twopence, and handed it to the officer. "What's that for?" cried the astonished officer. "Oh, nothing." said Pat: '"only it's a custom in our Jcountry to help poor orphans along when their parents die."