MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XLVIII, Issue 155, 30 June 1917, Page 14

MERRIER MOMENTS.

TOMMY AND THE HUN. Tommy: Want to surrender, do yer? You ain't no good ter mc like that! You 'op back and bring yer 'elmet wiv yer. I'm going 'ome on leave next week. NOT WHAT HE MEANT. "And the audience, my boy, were glued to their seats," said the delighted actor. "That certainly was a neat way of keeping them there," 6aid the critic. REBUFFED. Mrs. Barton (to Hmall daughter saying prayers): " A little louder, my dear. I can't hear." Daughter: "Yes, but I'm not speaking to you." A DILEMMA. Nell: Oh, deaT, I'm in such a quandary. Bell: What is it? Nell: Jack promises to 6top drinking if I marry him, and Tom threatens to begin if 1 don't. , SPRING TIME. It was in a churchyard. Tho morning sun shone brightly, and the dew was still on the grass. " Ah, this is the weather that makes things spring up," remarked a passer-by casually to an old gentleman seated on a bench. "Hush!" replied the old gentleman. " I've got three wives buried here." COULDN'T MAKE IT OUT. Eddie, who had always attended a Baptist Sunday school, was taken on a visit to Sunday school at a Methodist church. "Mamma, how is this?" he said. " I thought you said this was a Methodist Sunday school." "So it is, my dear." " Well, but, mamma, the lesson was all about John the Baptist." IF THEY WERE ALIKE. The other day a gentleman farmer, having some pigs for sale, offered to dispose of them to a pork butcher. The latter called at the farm, where, before proceeding to the yard, he was hospitably treated and introduced to his host's daughters. A gallant man fs that porkist, and one who never lets pass an opportunity of paying a compliment. "Now, sir," said he, on leaving the room, "I've 6een your young ladies, and I'm going to see your young swine, and if the two's much alike there won't be no difficulty about bringing off a deal."

Two youthful cousins who had never been able to get along very well together had always succeeded in concealing their misunderstandings from their parents. But the cat came pretty close to escaping from the bag when one of the cousins had a birthday. " Billie, what would you like to give Conrad for his birthday?" asked Bill's mother. "I know what I'd like to give Lim, but I ain't big enough."

PAT SCORED. , An Irishman, passing a shop where a notice was displayed, saying that everything was sold by the yard, thought that he would play a joke on the shopman, so he entered the shop, and asked for a yard of milk. The shopman, not in the least taken aback, dipped his fingers in a bowl of milk, and drew a line a yard long on the counter. Pat, not wishing to be caught in his own trap, asked the price. " Sixpence," said the shopman. " All right, sorr; roll it up; I'll take it."

THE USUAL THING. " Punch" once had a scene in which a district visitor is shown entering the cottage of a poor woman. The visitor is evidently new to the business, and somewhat embarrassed. The cottager says to her: " I'm quite well, thank yer, miss; but I ain't seed you afore. Y're fresh at it, ain't yer, miss?" " I have never visited you before, Mrs. Johnson." Tho woman dusts a chair. " Well," she says, " yer sits down here, an' yer reads mc a short Psalm, yer gives mc a shillin' and then yer goes."

THE CAUSE OF THE TROUBLE. The waywardness of Master Cecil, a boy of six years, sometimes made it necessary for his mother to use her slipper. This usually resulted in a haughtiness of manner and expression for some hours after Master Cecil had been " attended to." One evening his father came home to discover palpable proof of the fact that Cecil had been having a private interview with his mother. " Well, Cecil, what's the trouble now?" asked his father. "Your wife has been licking mc again, sir," was the reply.

WHAT DID THE MASTER DO? They had two officers billeted upon them, and everyone in the house was determined to prove their appreciation of the men who were fighting for England. Even the parlourmaid, anxious to do her bit, valeted both Major and Lieutenant with devoted skill, brushed and repaired their clothes, and refused the idea of tips.

But one day when the Major handed her a pair of trousers that required a ■button she remonstiated. "It's all very well, sir. You give mc the trousers and you say put a button on —but you never give mc the button. Now this will be the sixth I've cut off the master's trousers to sew on to yours-"