merrier moments

Auckland Star, Volume XLVIII, Issue 89, 14 April 1917, Page 14

merrier moments

He: Do you think your father would consent to my marrying you? She: He might. Father's so eccentric United States Citizen: "I see we have ordered a new aeroplane for our army." Secretary of War: "Why, I thought we had one." The Host: "I thought of sending some of these cigars out to the front. The Victim: "Good idea! But how can you make certain that the Germans will get them?" SORRY. The unsettled state of Irish affairs reminds of a slip made by the Duke of Wellington during a House of Lords debate on Ireland. In the course of his speech he mentioned that two clergymen had been murdered in Ireland. A noble lord on the other side of the House rose at once to correct him. "No, no; only one." "Only one?" rejoined the duke. "Well, if I'm mistaken I'm sorry." HIS METHOD. The little girl who was visiting at a neighbour's house had gone out to look at the horses. "Here's one of them." she said, '"that has watery eyes and coughs and hangs hie head just the way papa's horse did last cummer." "What did your papa do for his horse?" asked the owner of the animals. "He sold him," was the innocent answer. THE ORIGINAL METHOD. Katherine and Margaret found themselvee seated next to each other at a dinner party and immediately became confidential. "Molly told mc that you told her that eecret I told you not to tell her," whispered Margaret. "Oh. isn"t she a mean thing!" aasped Katherine. "Why. I told her not to tell you!" "Well," returned Margaret. "I told her I wouldn't tell you she told mc, so don't tell her I did."" MADE HIM NERVOUS. Tt was the first week that the Smiths, who had fallen heir to considerable property, had been in their new home. Mrs. Smith was giving a dinner party, with the fond hope that from this occasion she would be fairly launched in society. "Lena." said Mrs. Smith to her new cook, "be cure to mash the peas thoroughly to-night." "What, ma'am?" exclaimed the amazed cook. "Mash the peas?" "Yes. that is what I said, Lena, maeh the peas." repeated the mistress. "It makes Mr. Smith very nervous at dinner to have th«m roll off his knife." HOW MURPHY WAS INSULTED. "Oi"ve bin iehulted. Oi've bin shnubbed, an' begorra Oi'm blest if ever Oi'll work for mc imployer agin! " Thus Murphy on Friday night. "But phwy?" inquired' his better half. "Phwat are ye afther bein' insßulted by your employer about?" "Sure," returned Murphy irately. " 'tis on account ay a remark that he made t' mc. Begorra, as I said before. Oi'll niver work for the spalpeen again!" "Phwhat did be say? Phwhat did he say?" pressed Mrs. Murphy. J "Phwat did he say?" roared Murphy, "Phwhat did he cay? 'Pat,' sez he, 'Pat, yer sacked!'"

' "Please hurry," said the wife tiently to her husband. "Have you never . buttoned a dress behind before?" "So," J replied her husband, "you never had a , drese that buttoned before behind." POOR FATHER. EJitha was admiring her new summer frock. "Isn't it wonderful," she said, i all this silk comes from an insi°nificant worm!" '"Editha, i≤ it necessary i to refer to your father in that way?" her I mother inquired reproachfully. THE DIFFERENCE. The Husband: Where have you been. The Wife: Playing bridge. The Husband: Did you win? The Wife: Xo. I lost. The Husband: You ought to be ashamed of yourself. You should have been at home looking after your children. THE LAST THING. "Fancy old Bill, of all people, going info the gunpowder shed with a lighted candle!" remarked the proprietor of an . explosive factory to his foreman. "I should have thought that would be the last thing he'd do." "Which, properly speakin'. ii were, sir!" responded the foreman. FOR SAFETY'S SAKB. While walking along the street an epilpptic dropped in a fit and was quickly rushed to a hospital. Upon removing hi.s coat one of the nurses found a piece of paper pinned to the lining, on which was written: '"This is to inform the house surgeon that this is just a plain fit—not appendicitis. My appendix has already been removed twice." HOW WAS HE TO KNOW? Indignant Young Wife las soon as Aunt Matilda has retired after dinner): '"John, Pm surprised at you, using such I language as you did just now!" ! John: help it. my dear. I I burnt my finjrers horribly." Indignant Young Wife: '"Still, you had Tio right to—to swear before Aunt Matilda." John (irritably): "Oh. how was I to know that she wanted to swear first?" THE EXPERT. Two little girls had an altercation. Lucy had told Ellen what the latter called "a little frb."' "A fib is the same j thing as a story." explained Ellen. J "and a story is the same thing as a lie." "Xo," argued Lucy, "it's not." "Yes, I it is." insisted Ellen, because my father said so. and my father is a college professor, and he knows everything." "I don't care if he is a professor." said Lncr. "My father is a real estate asrent. and hr knows a lot more abou* lying than your father." BEHTXD THE SCENES. This is a true story (says a "Daily ! Mai!" correspondent) of a West End Theatre where a big success is being I played and where the manager has had some -worry over at least one difficult artist. One day recently the assistant stage manager came into his office blown and excited. "Mr. So-and-So and Mr. Thingamy, sir." he said, '"are fighting at the back of the stage." The niana- . ger wearily raised his head. '"Don't separate them." he said, "until one or boh has been killed."