merrier moments.

Auckland Star, Volume XLVII, Issue 240, 7 October 1916, Page 16

merrier moments.

"Is insomnia catcbingV "Yes, when the baby has it." "I'm down to my last chilling." That's nothing. Wait till you're down to the last smiling o! your la»t friend." "Does it require any special eyitew to get to be a hundredT "Oh, no! All you've got to do is just to keep on living." Man: "Well, it's just thie way. If 11 buy you a new coat 111 have to wear my old one, another season-" Wife: "You eweet, generous thing,, you!" Golfer on the green (after several attempts to hole tht ball): "What shall I do, caddie?" Caddie: "I should gang! doon on s» knees and blaw it in!" ' "How about your servant girl? The j last time I saw you you complained ■, about her being co veryflbw.'' "Qh, me's progressing." "indeed?' , Tea; she's getting slower and "slower." ■' That <ngly girl, Edith JonesT en&tgfta'f ahrays ■aid, however plain a girl may be, there's always some fool' read to marry her. Who's the idiot in this case?" He: "I am." "Up in the Arctic regions the nights are six month* long,"' remarked the garrulous constable." ,■ Thasso," said the inebriated one: "Gee! Think of tee crowd of Eskimos singing 'We won't go home till-morn-ing." . Purchaser (bringing back bis parchase): "This dog is the most ferocious beast I ever came across, and you eaid ■he waa as gentle as a woman." Dealer in Canines: "That's straight. My wife's the only woman I know anything about." A Oerman-epeaking Dutchman was held up on the frontier by a German officer, who challenged his nationality. "If you really are a Netherlander," be said, "speak to mc in Dutch.' , In that language the Dutchman said: To perdition with all you German doge." "Right," said the German officer; "pass through. ,. She had gone into his den, and was giving orders at an express rate, for they were married, aad He, as a rule one of the most meek and submissive of man, was, like the proverbial worm, beginning to turn. * "Do you think," he eneered, "that you. rule the whole of the universe f "No," she snapped, *but I rule the fizrt letter of it!" IN , THE BACK BLOCKSL J Prosecuting Attorney: "Your Honor the Sheriff , * bull pup has gone and chawed up the Court Bible!" Judge: "Well, make the witness kiss the bull ptip, then. We can't adjourn the Court for a week juet to huntuD a. new Bible." r LOVE OF MJXTJRT. "Young man," eaid the heavy father "do you understand the style in which my daughter has been accustomed to liveT She has always iad every luiurr she wanted." . * "And now Tm the luxury she wants." murmured the suitor. EXPLAINED. Teacher (giving lesson in anatomy) • "Hpw many bones are there in your body, Tom Brown?" y Tom Brown: "Nine aundredi" Teacher: "Whatt That', a great many more than the other pupite have got." "^ Tom Brown: "Yes, but they aint had

AH TOPROFITAIttB WAB eTODICAXp.

AN AWKWABD SXkENCE ESglJgjjL.

Kiß4 Friend: "Henpeckj let-we : jsj* dnee yon to Professor Glass, th* gm» hypnotist, who can put anyone to deeg within two minutes after stMin^, 1 !! v Henpeck: "Glad to- meet yon, jfofesaor. Come, let mc introduce yeata my wife." ■•"" -? : -' : HAD TO BREAK. OX?. ' y"Bobby," said, the teacher you know that you htive broken t&« Eighth Commandment iy istwiat James , apple?" . ■ -. . -rw "Well," explained Bobby, "I. %niA I might just ac -well break the Ggstk and have the apple as to break ttt Tenth and go without it.. ,, '; HOT STCEF.., ■', ( r A boy placed a big apple oa tin fawk etepa, and. went across the etreet to *• [w&b would take it. A gentlena* «fc» lobeerved the action Raid: ," You ekjeaidtfi do thai, my. son. Some poof bgHpV $(- tempted to steal it.*- , •■ •- ?-':;'"_ r> "TiM.t'e what I'm fiefcing for, air. ?f hollowed out ihe ineide eM Site* jt Iβ* ■4 LESSON IN ABITHMBHO; A ieaoher .mi examining a. eliM ■maU boye ia arithmetics. * ilili ■stM '\ particulariy emaxt boy, she eekedv "■ "dee flve go into on»V '"*'■'-* -"*> Vim," cam* the. answer «*-«■£. >,i\Ten stupid" boy!" she eajd. '-*t|p', do ron make that ontf "Please, ma'am," he •JSJ."-".'!*. pit fat toes into one stocking th» vntiufF \ FQBTCNE'S FAVOUBjJSL Rast Carter: poor old Bft gone. Second Coster (uoornfußy): Poor, adeed! I/uckieet Woke in the vsjtsj, Couldn't touch nnffink Jwifout it tod to money, beared 'is 'once— i> a month. Insured 'iaeelf iifaiff (Midente—broke 'is harm first J«|h) the BuriaJ Serciety last Ml now 'e'a 'cjpped it. I «»JJ flj iw*. ' / ELOQUENT!! "If there i* anybpdy wder tl|» «|*» *er of heaven that I hold in irt*»ißifc> creecence," eaid Mrs Partington %* a tale-bearer and elanderer, goiny alp* like a rile boa-constrictor, or«jlMfc| nu camomile anpogat the hontst WJM. I always know one by his It seems as if Belzabob had etaa* his with hi* private eignal, aad «*jthing he looks at appean tfhMgmAnd having uttjaeA W* *m what eUborate «peoch, ci*. w Millie with a violent fit of conghjng ai4 «fW for some "demulcent drjopa." : -? : ;3spHOW I£>NG? Baring a trial jn a country rSHafiiH local blackemith waa required v | # ncsa A meueager having b»«e #" patched to fetch him, he soon afiifcl straight from bit work, hot, durtf, dirty. The judge, « most faatidiNflM noticed this, and remarked ew**T>. "look here, my man, what do you 9Mi by coming into court in tlus •ta.W - long do you wear your shirtal* V: The smith flushed and awrtW* surlily: "Jist about cfepn gUT-nor. 'Ow long d'ye wear yteeT THATTS THE ?OlNt.v -'.'"] "Economy in the Some," "Sttfl Thrift." These are much diecdHWd (*»" jects in the country just new.-' spreading the a political'luimif:gave an addrese in a northern Urn ,"■«■'. Cheap, but not nasty dinners." "'; ;? v "Now," he eaid, «I wiU teU y*#*»f; a-moet palatable as well as nour||Ml|; dish may be made from cods' b**.* Hβ was proceeding with hje deer***: of this economical article of Airti **• a burly miner eprang to hie feet S *♦ middle of the - ; ■ '*m "Wait a> bit, eir!" he shouted, ''"**£- I want to know is: Wno get* <*<■•£■■