merrier moments

Auckland Star, Volume XLVII, Issue 174, 22 July 1916, Page 16

merrier moments

"Papa, may I take my piano with mc when I marry?" "I shall insist on it, my dear." "Hear about the trouble in the lumbar region ?" "No. What was it?" "Lumbago." ] He: The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. Don't forget that. She: Then you come in and rule the world a while. I'm tired. Cholly: I wondah how I shall go to the masquerade party? Isabel: Why don't you go disguised as a man? Voice of Orderly (outside door): IVe got a verbal message for ye, sergeant. Sergeant: Well, can't you put it under the door! "We used to have a dog that would howl when somebody played the piano. "That's nothing; I know women that act the same war." "Mrs Flubdub has left her husband." "The poor thing! I must run right over and condone with her." "'S no use. She won't tell what for." Customer (studying bill of fare): Waiter, I have only TJd; tell mc what you recommend. Waiter: Try another restaurant. Jensen: I though they were going to put a sewer in this street? Benson: They are. They'll begin excavating just as soon as the asphalt is laid. Prison Visitor: And have you any plans for the future, my man? Ned the Nicker: Yessir—not 'arf! I've got the plans of two post orfices an' a bank. APPROVED. At a cinema house recently a picture was shown, entitled "As God Made It." Immediately following the projection of the title on the screen came the flash: "Approved by the Censor.". A MISTAKE. There were three or four tawny spote on the little boy'e blue "kniekere." The two kind old ladies liked hfe pleasant smile, tut they wondered why his "mother did not patch with a colour to match." Then the little boy in the blue "knickers" with the tawny spots blushed deeply and buret out: "That ain't no patch! That's mc!" SINGING AND SINGING. A lady, while walking through a village, heard the village choir singing and stopped to listen. At the same time a naturalist wae standing near by listening to the aong of a cricket. "What beautiful singing!" eaid tie Udy. "Yes," replied the naturalist, "they do it by rubbing their bind legs together." He still wonders why she disappeared so suddenly. i HE WASNT CERTAIN. Some wounded soldiers at Salonika were waiting to go before the Invaliding Board, with a view to getting eick leave. Among them was a private who had lost hie leg and arm, and when his name wae called he hobbled as sharp as he could into the room. "What's the matter with you, my man?" asked the p?e«iding officer, speaking from force of habit. The soldier was surprised, but "with a straight face he looked himeelf up and down, and then remarked quietly: "Ah'm no shair, but, but ah think itfe ma hearin' that's bad." ROUNDABOUT, BUT GOT IJHERE. Necessity ia the mother of invention, and the hungry Frenchman told about in a biography recently publfehed in England illustrates the old adage anew. He waa in an English restaurant, and wanted egg* for breakfast, but had forgotten the English word. So he got around the difficulty In the following way i "Vaitene, vat Is dat valking In the ''A rooster, air," •'Ah J and vat you call de reeeter'e Tile" The hen, sir, ,, "And *at you call de children of de rooster and his vi/e?" "Chickens, eir," "But vat you call dc chicken before dey are ehieken?" "Eggs, sir." "Bring at Iwe,"

Mrs Jones (completing her iourtk hour at the cinema): I used to ttay only two hours; but one 'as to tuiki threepence go further these (jaja/^----"Thia is the rhinoceros. See hit ir» oured hide?" ! "Urn. And what's thia?" "The giraffe." • • : "Gee!! He's got a periscope." "'^ "Did yez give yer wife anythin«• her .birtnday, Pat 2" "Oi did." ,;/ "Phwat did it coat yez!" "Tin dollars or tin days." - ' Bill: It is said that Alexander tt» Great, when on a campaign, itt tk rations of a common soldier. Jill: And did the poor eoldi«r pt nothing! "I wonder what causes . the flight d. time," echoed the fair maidr 1 .' 11 ™;^ "It ia probably urged on by the spur of the moment," rejoined toe briJliiil young man. . >.;^_;: Sammy Snifkins: Dad, heir maiy hairs has a man in bis head? ; Mr Snifkins: It depends op whether ta is on good terms with hie wife or tat, my son. "What a horrible looking daub! What do you suppose ever induced the eoemiir. tee to hang it? ,, "I dare say they were unable to «»td the artist." ' Old Lady to little boy ißoktag cheeroot: Little boy, don't you Is* that smoking is very injurious! .: Little Boy: Naw! I'nvtoo ?«fflg to know. THEIR FIRST. Mother (looking through naguin*): "Darling, I see from etatiatks P™» here that every third baby bora in"tt« world is a Chinese." :-; Father (fondling hia tint bora): thank goodness this our first. , " ... A PARTING 6HOT. '. : She was an inquisitive eld diine, / M» the wounded soldier had stood quit* • volley of questions gallantly, tmtil •*• asked: "Have you any brother* W» •has happened anything at the fwat" • "Yes, ma'am," replied the TonßTt rather wearily, "one that was hit »/• Shell." ' - ■-■'■■ aJ "Good gracious!" gasped la* «■ dame, "and what on earth did «c « •when the shell struck him?" . - ... "He sent a postcard home teßngittJ owld woman to get his bed well ante, was the reply. V : WANTED TO SEE IT POPI ' "Hist!" whispered Paddy. ; \ ■. ■ He wae crouching heneith thfc »>P£ the three balls, watchful, «lert,'a»d ••: had no care for the pleasantries."'*»." • old friend, Mike. .»■_&• "Phwat's the matter, Pathriekf "Mf pered Mike, anxiously. Paddy laid a finger on bis lipß..< . "Have you gone cranky?" paW* B Mike, unheeding. T "Tell mc, Patkn* phwat is it?" v . ; "It's loike this." whispered «*» Paddy. "It's just twelve months" tfrMj Oi pawned mc suit, an' Oi'm told a » twelvemonth it'll run out. , Niv«r • •worrd, Moike! Oi'm ethandia*. »*» waitin' to be ready for it W it cott* running through the doorway.". . .