Merrier moments

Auckland Star, Volume XLVII, Issue 168, 15 July 1916, Page 16

Merrier moments

"Pa, what are blood relation*?" "War stories, my son." Pond Mother: "Isn't the wa* dreadful? And so awkward when poor dear Sylvia is just coming out." "He is a man with a grip of steel, an iron nerve, but a heart of gold." "Ah! A regular man of mettle." Indignant Customer: "Barber, why I did you drop that steaming towel on my face?" Barber: it was too hot to hold, sir." He ran for trains, he ran for boats, he ran for office, too, they cay; he ran to business, ran to lunch, then ran in debt—and ran away. She: "What did you think of oar scheme for decoration —holly-leaves over laurel?" He: "Well, I should have preferred mistletoe over yew." THE APPLICATION". Lady: "How is this insect powder to be applied?" Assistant (absent-mindedly): "Give 'em a teaspoonful after each meal, madam." ' ON THE JOB. Pa: "I greatly disapprove of that young Smithson, and one particular reason is his lack of industry in his calling." Daughter: "His calling? Why, he calls seven evenings in the week!" GOT RID OF HIM. The story is told of a staff officer at the War Office who was much annoyed 'by one man who wanted a job as messenger at the headquarters. After the sixth or seventh visit the officer cent for the man who then held the position. "Did you see that man just now, who has been here so many times?" he asked. "Yes, sir," 6and the messenger with a grin. " Do you know what he wants?" " No, eir." "Well, he wants your job, and if he gets into mc again, he will get it." The officer never saw the applicant again.

Private Bartholomew Bly Was knowon to be awfully shy, And when this French Miss Asked the meaning of "KISS" He doesn't instruct her—we demt think! —"The Damp.* , MISUJSDEESTAJJinNG. Village Parson (entering country editor's office): "You promised to publish that sermon I sent you on Monday, but I do not find it in the latest issue of your paper." • Editor: "I sent it <np. It rorery ■went in. What was the name of it?" Parson.: "Feed my laurijb." Editor (after searching through the paper): "Ah—yes—*im—here it is. You see, our foreman -was called up last week, and we've had to get a new one, and he put it under the head of "Agricultural Notes" as "Hints on the Gore of Sheep." THE COST OF LIVING. Captain John Stevenson, of San Francjeco, met a recent arrival from the "sold conntree" and speedily got into a chat with him over conditions ffierc The new arrival told feelingly of the terrible toll of war upon the fair land of Scotia, the sad tales of young men HDed and maimed, the sufferings of the families left behind. His was a right Bad tale m every way. "Why, man, we're jist plum distractii •wf it," he concluded. "And I suppose the war haa caused the price of provisions to go up in Scotland as well as eroiywhere etee," commented Captain Steveneon -with rrapathy. * "Aye, mon, ye're richt," agreed the visitor. "ProveeeioM hag gone ut> in , V&n exrgmm the bottle."

"I want a careful chauffeur—one wto take no chances." "That's mc, sir! I require references or salary in advance." ■ "She's a very intellectual-looking girt? "Yes; her father didn't make his money until after she had received her education." ■ " f ■'. CHaTence: 'Top, what is a males-; nium?" Darkie Dad: "It's dees about de same as centennial,.muh son, on'y it'i ' got mo' legs." ' '; . ''Your wife seems busy theee days." "Yes; she is to address a woman's cjui," "Ah, working on her address."- "No; on her dress." Hotel Clerk: "The guest in JSa. :2p« says he had a nightmare last night" Proprietor: "Well, chaTge in on his ids —two poFunds for livery." \ A BAD INVESTMENT. "You married a rich wife, didn't-youP asked Jones of his friend. i.';. "Yes," he sighed, "but ehe's not-.to '•; clared ! any" dividend yet." "'V>**j ''or-.-THE HAWKER. 'Arry and , 'Arriet, visiting a " picture gallery, became very much interested is a painting of falconers, entitled "Hawking in the Olden Times." "'Awkin' in the Olden Timee," murmured 'Axry, with knitted brows. they didn't arf do it! My word!" "On 'oreeback an' all!" ejaculated 'Arriet. "But -wot aie they 'awkinT" "I dunno," eaid 'Arry, "unless ift them parrots they're a-cariyin'." THE NEUTRALS. ]'.': Lem Cotton, sole proprietor of a whitewashing emporium in an American tqwn, shone in the noonday sun as though he had given his skin a coat of stove polish. . Aβ he toiled away at the task of lighting up the judge's stable, the judge himself came along. "How do, cmmel, how do?" eaid Lem, "How 'at wah goin' to-day?" "Nothing new to-day," replied ,hk. • Honor. ""Which side you all on, cunnel?" asked j the "whitewasher. The judge, scenting the opportunity for some amusement, answered: "Hay* you ever heard of the great neutral people, Lem? Well, I'm neutral." Lem never batted an eye as he §aswered: "'Es, 'em neutrals greet fightahs. Ah hope 'ey win." I — ——^— -; -. ■■.■'.■_