Merrier Moments

Auckland Star, Volume XLVII, Issue 67, 18 March 1916, Page 14

Merrier Moments

Actress: "Did he really tell you I bad a case of stage fright?" I Friend: "No; he said you were." Toper: "What shall I take to remove the redness from my nose?" Doctor: "Take nothing—especially between meals." Sympathetic Old Lady (to tramp)— "Ah, my poor fellow, life is full of trials!" Tramp: "It are, mum. What was you tried for?" Adolphuß (taking the last piece): "That is very good bread, Mrs. Thomson." Mre. Thomson (the landlady): "Yes; I think it's better bred than some of my boarders." Kindly Old Soul: "And how do you know, my little man, that you have! been christened?" Tommy Trattlee: "Please, mum, 'cause I got the marks on mc arm now, mum!" TRAGEDY AT SEA. The boy stood on the burning deck, Few and short were the prayers they eaid; Cold blew the blast, down came the snow, Father, why is your nose so red? GOOD REASON, TOO! . In a certain borough in the north of London one man who had been invited to enlist wrote as follows to the local recruiting committee:. "Do you feel I ought to leave my wife while there are any single men left at borne in this district r KITH AND KIN. Father: What did you. and John talk about last night, dear? Daughter: Oh we talked about our kith and kin. Small Brother: Yeth, pop, I heard 'em. He said, "Kin I hey a kith?" and abe eeth, "Yith you kin"! A DEMONIAC! CHARGE. "They charged like demons," said tbe retired colonel excitedly.. ..."J ,n.e,ver uw anyAing to touch it The way' they charged positively staggered mc." "Whom does be mean?" whispered the man, who had just come in to bis neighbour. "Ia he talking about one of his old battles?" "No," replied tbe other, 'Wβ talking about, the holiday he (pent at the leuide hotel." ANANIAS BEATEN. A conversation in the trenches:— Private Dougal McTavish (late of the Alberta Police): "Mon, in ma lection 'tis aften fafty degrees below zero. But, bleu ye, 'tis dry cold; yell never feel it." L.C. Owen Tyrrell (late of Carpentaria Telegraphs): "Down-under it is usually 125 iv tbe shade. ' But thin it is dry heat; you are niver sinsible to ut." CorpL James Brown (late Tram Conductor, Vancouver): "In B.C. we stake upon 312 to 314 rainy days in tiie year. But it ia dry rain, it don't wet you."

A DOUBLE. The sergeant was trying to recruit him, but he seemed to be rather hesitant. "I suppose you are a single man?" the sergeant asked. "Er—-er—no, sir," he stammered, "Tm twins!" DIDN'T FAVOUR PROXIES. Mrs. Morton (angrily): "Tommy Horton, what made you hit my little Johnny?" \ Tommy Horton: He struck mc with & brick. Mrs. Morton (more angrily): Well, never let mc hear of your hitting him again. If he hits you, you come and tell mc. Tommy Horton (eneeringly): Yes, and what would you do? Mrs. Morton: Why, I'd whip him. Tommy Horton (in disgust): What! He hits mc with a brick, and you have the fun of licking him for it? Not much!

Magistrate: "Now, you seem a Sharp lad. Tell mc the aize of the stone he threw. Was it as big as my head?" Witness: "Yes, sir, but not co thick!" Johnny: "Ma, this paper taye children catch lots of diseases going to school." Mamma: "Well, I suppose they do." Johnny: "Oo I—er—have to keep on going?" Widow Hennessy: "Ah! Mr. O'Flaherty, whin my ould man died it left a big hole in my heart." O'Flaherty: "Mrs. Hirniissy, -would ye mind patchin' it wid a bit out o' mine?" Doctor: "Madam, your husband muet have absolute rest." Madam: "Well, doctor, he won't listen to mc " Doctor: "A very good beginning, madam—a very good beginning." THE SILENT BIRDS. The Eagle used to scream a bit, Perhaps, at times, too proudly; The Yankee Doodle ueed to. crow, And, often, rather loudly; But now the Yankee birds are dumb, Or cheep, in idle chatter, And every man in Yankeeland Iβ asking "What's the matter?"

AMERICA AND THE PIRATES. Telegram* show that Americans are becoming increasingly restive in face of President Wilson's fruitless diplomacy:— -"Sam, the people are getting weary after Belgium, the fcuattinta; the Armenia, etc. Can't yon take a etand on anything?" "I suppose I must. If I find any American soldiers who refuse to be vaccinated, I'll put 'em in jail for a year!" —"New York Life." IMPREGNABLE. Willis; "Then you don't think there is any danger of us New Yorkers ever being prisoners of a foreign foe?" Gillie: "Absolutely none. How «ould the enemy get in? The trains don't run in the winter, the roads are too muddy in the fall, the streets are all torn up in the spring, and if they did get in during the summer they'd find everybody away. There were two of them, and they had celebrated their mc visit to London in a fashion that is considered by their elder* to be unwise. - And they were lost, hopelessly lost, in the great city, A wonderful inspiration came; they would call a cab. Giving the address of their temperance hotel—Fate is a sly sportsman!—they proceeded on their journey. It seemed a much longer way than Tipperary over wae, but at last they arrived with a jerk. The , manager met them at the door. "Look here, gentlemen," he eaid. "I like to lock my doore at twelve o'clock prompt on Saturday night"—it was, of course, a Saturday night. "Have you come out of that cab?" They unblushingly admitted the charge. . "Well," the manager added, drily, "it's been past this door twelve times in the last half hour!" MAKES PARSON SWEAR. A good story comes from the Stai.es of Dr. Black, who wae recently invited to eucceed the Rev, R. J. Campbell. At a public dinner he-wae condemned to listen to a Jong.defence'of Germany and German methods by a hyphenate. It was on the usual lines—Germany wae shamefully attacked, Germany was the innocent victim, and so on and so forth. At last the Doctor's turn came to speak. "I could believe all the last speaker hae eaid," he began, "I could believe that Germany has been shamefully attacked, that alie is the innocent victim oi a foul conspiracy—all this I could believe, if anyone will tell me"—and as hie indignation got the better of him iue voice rose—"what the hell she 6 doing in Belgium!" Which fearful language being reported to an eminent Scotch divine by a horror-etricken layman, the gr&itman pondered for a moment, and delivered judgment. "In my opeenion," he observed elowly, "the reverend Doctor's epithet was appropriate."