THE RIVAL UNDERTAKERS.

Auckland Star, Volume XLVI, Issue 229, 25 September 1915, Page 19

THE RIVAL UNDERTAKERS.

(By MAX ADE"LEB.)

There la very fierce rivalry between our two undertakers, Toombs and Slnnlckson, and sometimes It causes trouble. On the day of old llr.'l.'hew's funeral. which was conducted by Toombs, a coloured roan named Banks was to be buried by Slnnlckson. It so happened that the two processions reached tho turnpike leading to the cemetery at ttse same moment. Both hearse* were moving at a slow walk, bnt as soon ns they got abreast of each other Slnclckson touched up his horses, and m.ide tbctn walk rapidly. Then Toombs put on more speed, and tried to drive across the front of Slnnlckson v horses, ln order to block them off and keep them In the rear. Whereupon Slnnlckson remarked that If Toombs didn't take tbat m.l coffin cart out nf the way he'd rip the wheels off and bane ll Into splinters. "Yon keep behind." said Toombs. "I don't low no nigger buryln" to take the lead of tne." •"There ain't no decent nigger ln the country that kin git dmd enough to be willing- to ride behind such horses as them of your'n." "Oh. there hain't, hey?"" replied Torunbi. "Well. jest let mc tell you that there's more money In the nenr hind lee of one of my horses than you've ever made by sell Ing yaller pine coffins for mahognny."' -If my horses weren't bctter'n your'n I'd a killed "em long "to snd cot you to bury 'em. It's more ln your line than human beings."' "We'll sec about that." sold Toombs, as he started lite team at a brlik trot "I'll bet we will!" eiclalined Slnnlckson, whipping his horses furiously. A second later both hearses were going down the turnpike nt the rile of thirty miles an hour, the coffins bouncing about In them at a furious rate, and the friends of the deceased parties l.ioklng out of the ear rlage windows at the race, some cheering the undertakers, anil others feeling pretty mad about It. The fmicral procooilona. however, proceeded to the cemetery, and when they reached It they stopped to wait for the | undertake™ to turn up. It was then I alout half-past 2 o'clock. A little after, 4 sotnehody saw a man coming In the! cemetery gate with bis nose bloody, his j right eye « woollen and discoloured, and his j clothes torn and covered with dirt. It j ■was Toombs. He was balancing a coffin' on the front axletree of a vehicle only (so wheels of which remained. He limped up j to the grave, pushing the receptacle before ! him. and. sliding the coffin off, he said "leoah. but I'm tired: I've run that j thing along on those wheel*- for nearly four miles Then, stepping np to Judge Pitman, he whispered to hltn; "Mc and Slnnlckson "re been playln" particular thunder! I beat him In the race. and then he ran Into mc and smashed both heacses all Into flinders! Then we grappled and fit f>r abont an hour, ami finally I bit him In the stomach and curled him all np ln tbe corner of the fence. But when I came to look for old ("hews coffin. It was gone: I must 'a - dropped him oat • long Ihe road somewhere; I dunno where So what did I do while Slnnlckson was lay-In' there hnwlln" bat grati up ksons nigger an,] mount him on my f.-out wheels, and bring him along Old Thews people wont know the difference lx-r's hury- this chsp. and lay low almut It. nnd Slnnlckson can above off old <"hew on the coloured folks. Hell do almost anything after the way I bounced him." So the funeral service .ceeded. and Just as they got the remnlns In the grave, in came Slnnlckson, locking as if he had been passed a couple of times through a bark mill, and preity nearly ground to rags. The first thing tv- sard was; "I say. hold up there! You've got the wrong man. Mr. Chew's layvng In the ditch alwut three quarters of a mile up the pike, end this Is my corpse you're e-burying." "Don't pay any attention to that liar," exclaimed Toomle. turning pale. "Who ore you calling a liar?" said Slnnlckson. aad then he sailed Inlo Toombs, nnd they had anothe- tussle, until Judge I'ttman separated them. Then a commit tee of friends got a cart and went back for Mr, I'hew. and finally everything was pro. perly arranged Hut as the folks went home. Toombs passed Slnnlckson at the cemetery gate, and. shaking his fist at him, he said: "Never you mind, old fellow. The next funeral I have -11 be yours, and I'll not only run It. hut I 11 have the corpse ready; you see If I don't." There Is a gooij opening for an amiable undertaker la our village.