Merrier Moment

Auckland Star, Volume XLVI, Issue 68, 20 March 1915, Page 18

Merrier Moment

"I haff der honour to announce, Cheneral, dot we haff blown up a nursery, | tilling twenty-fife babies." "Goot! Make out a report and say dot der babies vos operating rnacbineguns against us."

Our soldiers most be well fed. None but the brave deserve the fare. A policeman has just been left £15,000. Another rise in the value of copper. Many people talk about "the fortunes ef war," but it is some Army contractors who make them. "Mother, where are Helicon and Parnassus?" "Ask your father. Johnnie. He keeps np with the war news." The Turkish legions towards the Russians sped. Then, frightened by the Bear idea, they— fled. General: "Courage, Germans! Yesterday we were defeated but not disgraced; to-day we go forward to reverse that ■verdict." (Loud and prolonged cheers.) Political orator: "Fellow citizens, what are we here for?" Man in crowd: "Someone said you was goin' to pass cigars round." THE FLIGHT THAT FAILED. The Emperor: "What! No babies, Sirrah?" The Murderer: "Alas! Sire, none." The Emperor: "Well, then, no babes, no iron crosses." (Exit murderer, discouraged.) IN THE TRENCH. Tommy (up to bis knees in water in the trenches) : "I pity tbe pore chaps that 'aven't got out 'ere. London streets, this time o' year, with the drizzle and slush, must be awful." The Germans, taking Bolimow. Are feeling rather frisky; / The Rusians beat a quick retreat To GetadririkofwhiskT. WORTH TRYING. "Let's drop into this restaurant.*' "1 don't believe I care to eat anything." "Weil, come in and get a new hat for your old one, anyway." HOW BE DID IT. "I have seven wives," explained the unspeakable Turk to the interviewer. "Great Caesar! How do you manage to pay your dressmaker's bills?" 'T married dressmakers, son of an infidel!" WELL ANSWERED. Vicar: "Now, children, we are to love our enemies. That isn't easy, is it?" Small boy: "No, sir." Vicar: "Well, how are we to do it?" [(Dead siltnce.) Vicar: "Ye*, we must love even the Germans. How are we to do that?" Small Boy: "By giving 'em wotV good for 'em, sir."

PRZEMYSL. Oh, no, we never mention it! The name is never heard Of that far town in Poland where Much, fighting has occurred. We say, "Why, where the Russians are, Not Warsaw, nor Cracow, But"—No, we never mention it Because we don't know how! MAKING TT "QUITE SAFE. - ' Nervous old lady (in railway carriage) : "I hope that gun is not loaded, sir 7 Gentleman in khaki: "I'm afraid it is. However, 1 will insert this cork in the muzzle. There—quite safe now." The nervous old lady breathed a sigh of relief. HONESTY. Bill, not long after having 'listed, and stationed in some well-known local barracks, was taking his turn on guard before the main gates. It so happened that while hero an otrioious looking sergeant had occ-asion to pass, and our friend (mistaking him for an officer) saluted. The sergeant returned the salute, but while doing so was observed by the commanding officer, and was afterwards reprimanded for his conduct— namely, for returning the salute. The honest reply of the sergeant was: "Aa alwis retorn that to which Aa'ni not entitled."' FRENCH AS SPOKEN BY AN ENGLISHMAN. An English journalist and a private of the Irish Guards were dining at a restaurant in a small French town. The soldier, who was returning home wounded, had in the course of his travels picked up a few scraps of the language, and insisted on ordering everything in doubtful French, while the journalist would offer explanations that were in the nature of criticisms. At last Tommy's temper rose to explosive point. "Will you," he said, in English this time, "be so good as not to interfere with mc in the use of my French?" "Very well," retorted the journalist. "I simply wanted to point out that you were asking for a staircase when you wanted a spoon." TOMMY'S TDIE FOR A SMOKE. An officer just home from the front tells mc, says tbe London correspondent of the "Dispatch," an amusing story of one of his men, a Lancashire lad. When the fight was hottest the Lancashire Tommy was seen lighting his pipe behind the shelter of a big tree. His officer went up to him, and asked him with some vigour what he was doing there. "Ah've shot seven," was the reply. '"Shot seven!" echoed the angry officer. "What the blazes has that got to do with it?" The Tommy explained: "They said as how they were seven to one, and Ah thought as Ah'd shot seven Ah'd done my whack, and could have a smoke!"