HUMOURS OF SEA TRAVEL.

Auckland Star, Volume XLVI, Issue 62, 13 March 1915, Page 10

HUMOURS OF SEA TRAVEL.

INCIDENTS ON AUSTRALIA'S coasts: (By "RUAPEHU.") : There are two kinds of humorous happenings—those which amuse ourselves, and those that tickle the midribs of other persons. This is especially the ease with various maritime incidents. Did not an ancient writer once say that it was pleasant, from a safe position on shore, to watch the struggles of those who had been cast into the sea from a wreck? Are there not unfeeling persons who will make jocose remarks to you when the '"motion of the ocean," and the liveliness of your temporary floating; prison have given you inward qualms of a most uncomfortable kind? And do you not smile at the experiences of those who are forced to disembark in coal baskets in rough roadsteads, using an uncertain medium to reach an uncertain launch (both safe enough when you get into them, but horribly difficult to get into, all the same), when you yourself are '"a good sailor," and bound for a port where you know you will just have to walk down a broad gangway on to a firm wharf when you go. ashore? On Tasman Sea crossings, when knocking about the coasts of Australia and New Zealand, and during voyages between the Common-wealth and Europe, one has some mild adventures and sees and hears a variety of occurrences that have their comical side. The regulation seafaring yarn for youthful consumption tells at an early stage of the boy hero's short but sharp bout of seasickness. Let mc follow this time-honoured tradition with an anecdote on the subject. As soon as Sydney Heads had been cleared, on a voyage to Wellington. I went below, for the Tarawera was beginning to give signs that she was as much in her element as I was out of mine. 1 found that I had as cabin-mate a vigorous-looking, elderly man. who was opening a bottle of brandy. He noticed that I was losing no time about ''turning in." and before he took a tot he offered mc one. "1 always take some brandy at the beginning of a trip,"' he explained; "it's the best thing you can have to keep off seasickness. The night w*s rough, and the brandy-drinker, in spite of his infallible remedy, suffered agonies from internal disturbances. His never-failing preventive had failed him, for once, at any rate. 1 had declined his friendly offer, but I also was unhappy. There is no cure but time for mal-de-mer, at least none that I know of. Ail on board were in good spirits when we entered Cook Siraits a few days later. The sea was calm, and the sun shone brightly on the warai-lookin" shore of the South Island. Where is now that merry soul who gave us such a laughable sufcmp speech on Tasman's first glimpse of these fortunate isles, with a n exclamatory climax: "Xoo Zeaian', you are discover!" that redoubled our mirth. There are light-hearted persons who can find humour in anything, and I have even known some unquenchable spirits who were amused at being on a North Auckland steamer that wus running a few years ago, the saloon of which was so limited in dimensions that the passengers had to sit down to meals in relays. The fact that no one knew which relay lie was. in was the best part of it all in the opinion of these Mark Tapleys. To them it was good fun, as well as good exercise, to go down the companion way and come .up again several time?;, and each time hungrier than Dcforc. However, the meal was usually worth waiting for. Most people have heard of-the young lady with a soul who contrived to get placed.near Tennyson at dinner^,in the hopes of gaining inspiration from his conversation, whereas the only remark made by the poet was a brief one on ■the excellence of the roast mutton. Ship captains are often a disappointment as talkers; also. They are generally quiet, modest men. I sat next to one when coming up from the Thames last year, and he talked, not of his' '•home on the rolling deep." but of his farm that he hoped some day to retire to, and particularly of the best way to cope with gprse and sorrel! The greatest optimist I ever met was a happy passenger on a Hokianga boat. The sunset was glorious, and cast a golden radiance over the waters and the hopes of gaining Inspiration from his western sky. "Gold!" he exclaimed, in a semi-soliloquy. "Who wants gold? There"—and he pointed to the gilded clouds—"there is all the gold I wish for.' Truly wine, even Northern wine, makieth glad the heart of man. The mention of gold leads mc to remark that silver becomes very scarce on the Australian liners as they approach England. It Jβ then pretty well impossible to get half-sovereigns changed, though you can give them away easily enough. Passengers whose tips are on the small side find that the attendance has grown sluggish, and are forced to conclude that the law of adjustments has been put into operation. But even stewards 'may 'be deceived ■by appearances. _A , trio of young Americans bound for W«st Australia gave the imprresion to the last hour that they were of the bountiful order of beings. The second saloon etaff expected great things of them when we made our landfall; but, as a matter of fact, all that they leit behind, them, in Teturn for many extra services rendered on the way from London, --was one shilling— not ejich, but a single paltry "colonial ■bob" from the three of them.

'•There be land sharks as -well as water. sharke." Once I was travelling by sea from Brisbane to Sydney. Before the Banclagh cast off from the riverside wharf of the A.U.SJN. Company,. I noticed among these on deck a young man whose face was troubled. I muet have appeared sympathetic, for he confided to mc that another man had. borrowed some money from him on the plea that he had no small change to meet an urgent expenditure. And the borrower had not returned. I could only assure the lender that he must -write the loan off as a 'bad debt. To the regular traveller -on the Australian coast this form of the confidence trick is so simple that he needs must emile when he hears that it has been effectively plxyed yet once again.

Everywhere, however, the striving sterns to be for "eaey money," and more of it. Thus, umbrellas are used in the Bay of Naples for a /rurpose that was strange to mc when first I noted it. I had seen the three-card trick pl-ayed on them on the outskirts of Australasian racecourses. In eight of Vesuvius, the musicians, who row alongside the steamers and -frantically play "Funiculi, Funioula," anyhow on battered i guitars, hold up, the inverted wa>, large (umbrellas to receive the eu'hecriptione (which are the object of their artistic

exertione. The heavier *nd more sustained .thci ehowere of-coins' sent. down by the travellers, the better"pleased ere! the aquatic" lazzaroni;" ""* w ' • ' Port Said /boatmen hare a. trick of stopping when they a\e half-way to | your steamer, and "'demanding, Ju a threatening manner, more "baekebfeeeh." The timorous.soul who is in this predicament,- and looks round for help, and eees none not any chance of it, the nearest human beings 'being perhaps a barge-load «f Mick , coal-carriers, more like devils than anything elee, pays up and tries to feel cheerful. Ikn effective way of dealing with these freebooters of the Canal entrance was adopted by one of out engineers. .(He promptly seized an oar and held it" over the 'blackmailer's head until he agreed to complete ilia contract at the stipulated figure. The handy man is ready 'for these emer-gent-its. It is not on the stereotyped resource of an overcharge that the hucksters who come aboard at Colombo entirely depend. .When the screws of the Austral were -revolving again, we found that two of our passengers were disputing the ownerehip of a new and elaborate deck chair. A peacemaker perouaded them to talk the problem over quietly, and it .was soon discovered' that its solution wais remarkably simple. Each of the disputants nail .bought the chair, and each had paid a Way good' money for it. The Cingalese vendor muet have been a commercial humorist of the acutest kind. He probably restrained hie laughter until he got .back to the bazaar. Your true wharf crowd gete ite chiefeet delight from the cap ens of the man who scrambles aboard an outgoing steamer at the last moment. My story is of a lady who was left behind when she might have expected kindlier treatment. A former captain of one of the G-overrwnent steamers was noted for hie punctuality. Hie wife was to have accompanied' him once on a trip from the Manukau to the South. She wae a few minutes late. The lines had been cast off, but the vessel still was near enough to the Onehunga wharf for the mariner to be able to give h:s good lady a little homily tin clocks and watchte and their uses, but he would neither put back for her nor wait for her. She had her revenge by travelling by the ordinary coastal eteamer in her master's wake and letting him foot the bill for her paeeage.