Merrier Moments

Auckland Star, Volume XLVI, Issue 62, 13 March 1915, Page 17

Merrier Moments

Star Boarder: " Will you be my wife?" i Landlady (musing): l, Let mc see. You've boarded with mc for four years. You have never grumbled at the food. You ■ have always paid promptly, iNo, I cannot accept you—you are too good a • boarder to be put on -the free list!" I WAR AND LEAD. i The fact that the English lead pencil •trade has increased materially since the ,' war began is not particularly surprising. ;The censors wear out thousands of blue ones, and hundreds of thousands of persons wlro can write join as many who cannot in sending out information, good, ,bad and totally indifferent. ' ] A SUGGESTION. • j During the recent fighting along the j banks of the Aisne a man was badly | wounded. The Ambulance Corps teni derly placed him on a stretcher. "Take him to the'hospital," said the , man in charge. Slowly the wounded man opened his eyes, and whispered faintly: — "What's the matter with the canteen-?"

(Tt is estimated that the war is costing £700 per minute.) "What a bloomin" waste it seems. While we've bin "ere the war's cost abaht twenty thousand pahnd! Fancy! While you an' me's bin earnin" a tanner." —"London Opinion." I ,

The Kaiser's cavalry, when they "buy" Stores, {rive paper in exchange. Ihe iLO.Ublans. Incidentally Germany is facing a short>ge of matches, which might become post annoying should it be crowded out of that place in the sun. ""Why i> it that the Digger Indians were never known to smile Y asked the instructor. " Perhaps they were grave diggers." Suggested the thoughtful student. IMcTavish (to convalescent soldier): "I was bearin" ye had a bullet in ye yet. lire ye no gawn ta hae it taen oot?"' Soldier: "X<i the noo. Ye see, I'll be. gawn back tac the Fr-ront in a wee while, an , when I come back I'll just hae them a' oot thegither!" "I suppose the price of pies will go vp, won't it?" •' Yes. T believe the war affects hardware in all its various tornis."' ANATOMICAL. "There U the enemy's wing." , " Yes, Genpral." "See if you can't make it yield a feather ior your cap.' , THE HTMAXE SCOTS. "Can army ay yer tell mc why the Scots are the most humane sojers at 4he front?" asked the Irish sergeant, as She set light to his (Woodbine. ~ We give it up," came the ready response from the boys just returned from jfche trenches. "Why, its because they always carry their kilt off the field." A MODEST TmBIY. Tfe was a new recruit home on leave. '" Halloa," said a friend, '" how are you going on? Applied for a commission yet?" *" Not mc. All the rest in my battalion are sending in their names, I think; tut I say that the regiments needs at least one regular, steady private."' AVOIRDUPOIS. Two schoolgirls were busily occupied •rith their lessons, when the younger aeked, abruptly: "What does 'avoirdupois' meant"' " WeD. I couldn't say jnst what it mea»s in English," Tier friend replied idoubtfully. - but in French h means, *iHave some peas.'"' rUZZLINO. ' Bobby",; father owned an incubator, ■nd one day the little fellow was watching a chicken energetically breaking its way through its shell, .lust then his ■father came along, and Bobby said:— '"'Papa, see how that chicken gets out ef its shell; but what 1 don"t understand is how he got into it.' , GREAT >"APOi. -V:~ i VS GHOST! "I lived a hundred years too soon!" Prom a spectral cloud in the (Hereafter the shade of Xapoleon surveyed the iettle grounds of Europe. " If 1 had known, if I had known!" he Snnrmurerl incessantly. "" With a few of those big Krupp siege guns, a fleet of Zeppelin airships, and a dozen armoured motor cars. I would not have done a thing to those Russians!" » Saying which, be assumed the pose iwm'ch made him famous at St. Helena.

ALL HE WANTED. 'Precise Boarding Mistress: Mr. Blunt, shall I tender you some more of the chicken ? ■Mr. Blunt: No, thank you! ißut if you can tender this piece you have already served mc 1 shall be greatly I obliged to you. I HOW VICTOKY WAS WON. j With a ringing cheer the enemy advanced to attack the entrenchments. j "Fire!" hoarsely shouted the artillery j captain, and the roar of the guns reponded, but. without checking the steady advance of the enemy. One piece rei ma'med undischarged. ] "Why don't you fire?" demanded the captain. I " I—-r don't know if it's loaded," replied the gunner. A gleam of joy lit up the stern features of the commander. "Then victory is ours!" he shouted. " Fire it, and let's 'find out!" The discharge mowed down the adI vancing column and the assault wafi reJ pelled. Twas ever thus.

Sir Edward Grey (to Lord Kitchener): Recruiting ie going fine! Another one to-day! This is how the German papers are persuading the millions in the Fatherland that recruiting has stopped, and that there are no more men. By «lieh *eMs aic German snixits fcent "HD—Cartoon from "Ulk" of Januarj 1.