PERSONAL ANECDOTES.

Auckland Star, Volume XLV, Issue 188, 8 August 1914, Page 15

PERSONAL ANECDOTES.

I THE BULK YIELD. I ■ ■ Sir James Yosall is gifted with the power of repartee, as many hecklers have found to their sorrow. tNow, then. sir. how many quarts of milk ought you to get out of a good £ow7 was one of the questions put to him when he first sought to enter Parliament. The candidate had not the famteet idea of the quantity. and sou-'ht Jwugc in wit. "It depends on the distance from the nearest pnrop." he answered, and the widienw. wae won. THE SINGER AND THE BOMB. In reporting the death of Mme. Xordiea. the "Telegraph" recalls that in 1881 she had a memorable experience in St. Petersburg, at a time when the NihiImts were very active. Owing to this fact the tinre and date of a command performance before tlie Czar Alexander 11. had to be. kept quiet, but one evening the "command" wae made, and with the greatest eecrecy Madame Xordiea was conducted to the Palace. She sang before tho Oar, and later he talked with her in English. The next day dawned before she had left the Palace, and on the afternoon of .that dav—Mareu VJ —the Oar was killed by a Xihilijt .bomb. THE DUKE'S MATCH. Some years ago. writes a contributor t<i the "Glasgow Herald." a Glasgow merchant wished to make some alteration* at his coast residence in tho. vicinity of Rosennath, and asked the late Duke of Argyll, the superior of the. grouud. for the necessary permission. The Duke telephoned to the merchant's ofßee. and when the telephone 'bell rang it wae answered by an exceedingly smart office boy. who shouted. "Who are yon?' , "I'm the Duke of Argyll. Who are yon ?" "Who am I?" echoed the youth: 'Tfa, ha! I'm King Edward the Seventh"— and immediately hung up the receiver. A TALL STORY? Sir Edward Clarke and Sir Edward Caraon were once engaged in an eccle.siaetic»l law case when the latter (vrho stands eft. 3in., while the former measures only sft. 2i,n.), towering above his opponent, said, with some earcasm: — "Of course, any learned friend here ie omniscient in such matters. As everybody knows, he was originally intended for the Ghurch." Sir Edward Clarke sprang to his feet. ' r I do not know, miud; 1 am not aware whether my lofty friend here was or was not originally intended for the Church, but I think you will agree with mc, mlud. that he was much better fitted for the steeple!"' ' ULSTER STOR'I'E?. A correeponde-nt newly back from Ulster tells a funny little etory about General .Paget, says the "'Express." While "' playing golf' at Newcastle, the general went into a local chop to 'buy golf balls, and fonnd the slmpkeepcr, who d'<l not recognise his customer, busy fixing bra6s numbers on Tides. ■"Whet does all this mean?" General Paget demanded. "Oh, this is nothing." was the easy reply. " You would have seen twice a* many if you had came last week!" Another little ie»t in Belfast Is that Oeneral Macrcady, tie would-foe Dictator of Ulster, has been touring Tound in :i motor-car which show* many ecratehce and eigns of wear and tear. I wonder (asics the writer) if he guesses that the scratches jitc due to the car having 'been need to carry rifles! THE JUDGE AXD DERDY DAY. .J!r. .ftiebice Ila'wkine wae natwi , 'for hi* to agree to the adjournment; of ca«H for the convenience of 'parties or counsel, ibut on, the eve of •Derfjy Day t'ne eaane comedy need to be I played every year.

would appear to ".mate an application." Owing ito quite inrforeeeen circumetaincps H. would be very inconvenient if his caise came on on tire morrow. Could it b« -put off? iHa-w----3cine. ivibhout a iwinkie, demurred. He objected to Ihtvo alt«mtiome in the liet. He was determined to get fhroug-h it. Butt —if cotHPel'e client was aibeodutcly unalbfe to appear on tlie following day, tlwn -.

'And m> it vent on righti Artm th« list, the KppKca.tk>ne being made, reftuwl, and then granted wibhout a e-nu)« on o«t)her eide. And eomdiow Hawkins always caught -Mie Royal epecial ait noon cm Derby Day.

BORROWED 'DIKiSER. The mother of the new (Duke of ATgyll, Lady Archibald Garopbell, is the euibjcct of some entertaining etorioe. Once, according to the " Glasgow Herald," she called on a friend in -London on Sunday, and bore her off to her country house, Combe, to Innch. In the carriage the guest noticed a curiously shaped -brown paper parcel. 'After iundh lady Archibald explained that ehn had given no notice of her cominjr. Said b«r friend: "I call it clever of your cook to $rn> «c such a nice lunch. The mutton was beautiful." " Oh, the mutton. It wae yonr leg of mutton. Alice. When you were getting ready I just &&ed your maid for anything ehe had in the larder. I knew you •wouldn't mind. You ccc, positively all the 'butehens' shops are closed on Sunday." "Xo, I don't mind," the jruest said, thoughtfully, "'but I rather wonder what my servants are having for dinner." TWO IJAUDER STORIES. •In hie autobiography, just published, Harry Lauder tells the following:— "Once I was collared on 'leaving a. music-ball toy a rather ehatoby specimen whose red nose and -blotuhed face boTe eloquent testimony to the source of his downfall. 'He hailed mc jovially in unmistakable 'English occente and .prefaced a "request for the ' lend of a loan of twopence' by claiming nationality with mc. "'You a. Jfcoteman! , said 3, 'no fear! If you ihad been a Scot you'd have asked a tanner! , " Another etorv tells how Lauder " fjot hark " at a Scotch parson whose congregation went to sleep. "Ye imps of ttie <>vil one." the preacher thundered, "profaning the kirk wi' your ungodly enorin*! "Whaur is yn r ehame? lAelecp— asleep, while I am preavhin , ta« y<\. Why even that fnl e boy Lasider, is better than ye. He kcojv awafre." Thin was. to Tjauder. the laet straw, ■being held \ip be-fore the whole congregation and pilloried. «n, rising to bis feet, he angrily retorted • " Aye! And if T hadna been-a fule I would hae 'been asleep, tool"