Merrier Moments

Auckland Star, Volume XLIV, Issue 279, 22 November 1913, Page 15

Merrier Moments

She: "Before you married mc you used to call mc 'angel,' 1 euppoee I shall never be that again!' . He: "Well, I live in hopes." She: "Jack, -when we are married I must have three servants." He: "You shall have twenty, dearbin no:, all at the same time." For the Collection. —Mrs. Murphy was getting the supper for the children on •Saturday night when a young woman came to her door. "I'm a collector lor the Drunkards' Home," she paid. "Could you help us?"— "Come around to-night and I'll give your Murphy," said the housewife as she -went about her work. •Widow: "Do you 'know. Mr Goldbagge, that my daughter has set her eyes upon you';" Goldbagge (flattered): "Has flic really Widow: "Yen, only to-day she said: That's the sort of gentleman I should like for my father.' " THE TACTLESS ONE. "I will confess to you," she said, "that I ajn older than I look. I will 'be thirtyone my next birthday." "Really?" he replied. "Hardly anyone would fiuetifi that you were more than about twenty-nine. , ' "That's the last time," she said when he had departed, "that I'll ever try to be nice to a brute." SWEET A man who has seen a ..good deal of quarrelling over wills recently left thin legal document for his friends to peru — "This is the last will and testament of mc, Bill Jones. I leave all my things to be divided among my relatives. If anybody makes a fuss about anything, he isn't fit to have nothing." STIFLING. There is a proprietor of a shop who 13 for ever scolding hie- employee? for their indifference in the matter of possible sales. One day, hearing an assistant say to a customer: " No. we have not had any for a long time. ,, the proprietor, una-hle to countenance such an admission, began to work himself into th.- usual rage. Fixing a glass eye on his assistant, lip said to the customer: We h:ive plenty in reserve, ma'am plenty downstairs!" Whereupon the customer looked dazed, and then, to the amazement of the proI prietor. iburst into hysterical laughter i and quitted the shop. "What did =he say to you?" demanded the proprietor of the assistant. " We haven't had any rain lately." NO HURRY. Ah! The audience held their breath and einiph ihr-r-rill-ed as Bravado Jack, the hero, killed i he last of the Indians. He staggered about; he almost fainted wiili loci -of blood. Then he gazed about him, and suddenly his voice njr.g out with hope. "See!" he cried. "The dawn breaks bright upon yon topmost heights!" The stage remained in almost total darknesd. ">ee!" he yelled again. "The dawn breaks bright u;>ou yon topmost heightb!" Still darkness reig-ned. "The dawn: The .lawn!" he screamed, raging about the stage. "It breaks! Th,. dawn!" A head popped over the mountain-top. '"Old 'ard. guv'nirr!" , said the head. "Don't, be in such a deep'rate 'urry! Someone"* bin an' switched the electricity orf!"

"Ye're a naughty goil t« get yer face dirty. If ye do it again, J've a good mind to wash ye I' , HOW SCANDAL, GROWS. "What's this? 1 h-ear you bad your face smashed in a barber's shop." "You heard it wrong. The 'barbeT merely broke my mug." THE YOUTH MISUNDERSTOOD. The girl's father, a gruff , , etout old fellow, came into the parlour at 9.30, with his watch in his hand. The young man was standing; on it chair straightening a picture that tlve girl had asked him to fix. As lie turned the old gentleman said: "Young man, do you know what time it is?" The bashful youth go!, off the chair nervously. "Yes, sir,"' lie. replied, "I was just going.' . He went into the hall and took his hat and coat. The girl's father followed him. As the caller reached for the door the old gentleman again asked him if he knew what time it was. "Yets, sir.'' was tin , youth's reply. "Good night!" An.l he left without waiting to pit: his coat. .>n. Aβ lihe. door el.i.-cd tin- old gentleman turned in surprise lo li;.-. d.iutrliter. '•What's the matter with t.i.i: young fellow?" he. asked. "[ wanli-il him to tell mc the time *o I could tot my watch.''

Kitty: "They say. you know, that love makes "the -world go round." Marie: "Maybe so; but it cannot make the eligible young men go round.'' "What do you think make; the i-ea salt," was .'i question put to ;i school class. A brilliant idea struck a boy. "Please. sir, -the 'erring-;." Grocer: '"What was that woman complaining about':" Assistant: "The lons wait, eir." Grocer: ".And only yesterday t-he was kicking about the »:ror: weight. You can't please some people." A BREAD AND CHEESE QUESTION. The Bride: "1 am utterly miserable without you." Bridegroom: "But I've got m fro down . to the oilier, dear, to make a living." The Bride: "Well, th.i: miv be so. But don't you think i:V RelSo'a of you!" The cobbler was in the •■• Une^e-box. "You have told the i o:;rt two ditfeTent stories about thin ca»e." thundexed the lawyer. "Now, which are we to believe?" ''I taink I'll .-tick to my hint,'' piped the mender of --.1.-, .• i;h a. cheery • smile.

A fIOOD ACTRESS. WUFF ! lie who loves and runs away, Won't have to lii about his pax When ho. goes home oa Saturday. S IEOU&HTIiESS SPOUSE. ■Mm Newly wed: "I wonder why we are growing tired of each orher." X«iiywed: "I haven't an idea." ■Mm X.: '"Yes; maybe that is the reason," WHAT IT WAS. " I Snist insist, sir," exclaimed the pompons person, " that the device is a tire plug."' "And. I am equally confident that it "is a water plug, - ' retorted the mild individual. " Xow, my dear .sir," puffed the pompous person, '" this device \\ia put here primarily as a plug on which to attach a hose in case of fire in the vicinity. Therefore it is absolutely impossible that it can be. anything but a. fire-plug." " lon are entirely ■wrong," declared the other. " This plug was placed here to supply water. Consequently it its a water plug. If it supplied fire—why. then, of course, at would be a. fire plug."' The pompous person stopped a passing pedestrian. " Sir." he began, "I desire to appeal to your intelligence. This gentleman has become involved an an argument with. mc. He insists that this device is a water-plus-, while I, with equal confidence claim that it is a fire-plug. Will you kindly settle the question for us?" "Certainly." replied the pedestrian. " You say this is a fire plug, and your friend declares it is a water pint. Just let mc investigate." He looked carefully at the plug, and rapped it gently with Iris cane. '■ I greatly fear you arc both wrong." he finally remarked. " Tins appears to 'be an iron plug." .TAMES' SUGGESTIONS. "James Buggin«s!" James gracefully pirouetted into the dock and beamed affably upon the Bench, -with a smile that utterly refused to come off. An obese policeman squeezed; into the witness-box and kissed the book with a sound closely akin to that produced by a cow extricating her hind leg from a tenacious bog, then commenced: "Ay' paws' nine. Sattidy nigM, yer Waehup, I was on dooty in the Koo Kent Road. Sor .pric-oner lyin' on "a, back in the gutter outside the Book's 'Ead drunk an' incapable, an' took 'im inter cu6tody, yer Wa<shup." "The prisoner is well known here, isn't he? His face seems very familiar." "This 'ere, yer Washup," remarked the fat policeman, wii'h ponderous emphasis, while James" smile widened visibly, "makes the prisoner's fiftieth appearance at this 'ere court." '•Dear mc!" ejaculated the deeplyehocked magistrate. "Tins is tile fiftieth time I have been oblitred to pass sentence upon you. You're an incorrigible. What are we to do" The unregenerate Bacchanalian's face beamed radiantly. "Well, guv'nur. seem' a.» 'ow this 'ere is the occasion of our fiftieth merry ineetin'. s-uppowm'— supposiir " —leaning forward .iii-i in a confidential stage whisper—"t-upposin, you an ; mc goes over to t'lio Blue Pig and 'as a fair ole jubilee together?" ._ Hut the magistrate wasn't having any, and just muttered: — "Six days."'