Merrier Moments

Auckland Star, Volume XLIV, Issue 28, 1 February 1913, Page 15

Merrier Moments

i Mr Younghtubby: '•What are you cry-] j ing for. dear?" I j Mrs Younghubby: "Why, I've boiled r .this can of tomatoes for two hours, and; 1 the lid won't come off." I *' Mistress: "Really, cook, what havel you been doing? Steven o'clock—and the rabbit not put on yet!" Cook: "Can't "elp it. ma'am: I never 1 1 knew anything take so long to pluck in my life." Rhe: "So you are sure that your new j play will be a succc-as?" He: " Positive! Why, even the manager blushed when he read it." , First Office Boy : " I told the governor to look at the dark circles under my eyes and see ii I didn't need a halfday < Off." ! Second Office Boy: " What did he . i say?" First Office Boy: "He said I needed a bar of soap." "Truth crushed to earth will rise again," but nine time*! out of ten the automobile gets away first. Hopeful: "Dad. what is meant by the mother-tongue?'' Parent: "'S-sh, my boy. Don't start i her!" I He: "That's Archie Temple. Very I good chap, but a bit of a recluse. Simple life and al! that sort of thing. She: "Really! He doesn't look a bit like it." i He: "Pact! Had it from his own lips. i Said he often dined at home as many as three or four times a week." In the fairy story the teacher was i telling her boys of the woes of the j " beautiful damsel." | " What is a damsel, boys?" she a-ked, and the bright lad replied: " A small plum, miss." " Come, now, Hemma," said the Whitechapel bridegroom, " you're goin' to s'y ' obey ' when you comes to it in the service, ain't you?" "What, mc?" cried the bride. "Mc s'y 'obey' to you? Why. blow mc, 'Ennery, you ain't mc size!" She: " Harry, you said something last evening that made mc feel so bad." j He: "What was it, dearest?" I She: "You said I was one of the sweetest girls in all the world." He: "And aren't you, darling?" i She: " You said 'one of the sweetest.' Oh, Harry, to think I should have to share your love with another." "Hoo is it. Jeemes, that ye mak' sic an cnairmous profit arf yer potatoes? , Yer price is lower than ony ither in the ■ toon, and ye mak' extra reductions for yer freends." j ' "Weel, ye see, I knock aff twa shil-1 lin"s a ton because a customer is a , ( freend o' mine, an' then 1 just tak' twa . hundredweight aff the ton because I'm a freend o' his." Fair Worshipper: "What is that sad, ' sad air you're playing, professor?" The Professor: " vat iss Beethoven's ' ' Farewell to the Piano.' I see dose in- ' staiment people coming mit der van." EMERGENCY TACTICS. Examiner (to applicant for motor ; lieens--): " What would you do if a skittish horse refused to pass your car; ' on a country road?" Applicant fwho has been a good deal badgered over trifles): "Stop the ear. ' sir. take it to pieces, and hide the parta " in the grass till 'c went on." c i A GORY MOMENT, f "What's the matter with Briggs?" c "He was getting shaved by a lady c barber when a mouse ran across the c floor."

SOLID IVORY. j Gladys: "Why not speak to papa now? He's in the biiliard-room." I Gussie: "Wait till he goes to the ' library. I'd sooner get hit with a book than a billiard-ball!" < A TEAR SFILLER. : " What do you do when you forget , your lines?" " I just repeat the multiplication table in a muffled voice," said l ' tbe emotional actress. " I had the house in tears the other night over nine times nine are eighty-one." IN LUCK. "The codfish," said the professor, "lays more than a million eggs." "It is mighty lucky for the codfish that she doesn't have to cackle over every egg," said a student who came; from a farm.

A girl who marries an old man for himoney may perhaps be said to be chequemated "He is in 'Who's Who,' I believe?" " Yes. biK he is much more prominent in ' Here's How!' " She: "I can't go motoring with you to-night. I haven't a thing to wear.'* He: "Then let's go in bathing." Conjuror I who is about to begin his performance): "Will any boy pleas* lend mc his assistance?" Bey comes forward Conjuror: " Have you ever seen mc before, my boy?" Boy: "No. father." "Hist!" whispered the villain, creep* <ng stealthily away. " 1 expect you would be," rejoined ti. stage manager, with curling lip.

Saddened spinster: "Dear, dear! An.4 nen so scarce, too!" HER LOOKS. The Woman: "My husband is forty to-day. You'd never believe there is actually ten years difference in our ages." The Man: ""Why, no indeed I'm sure you look every bit as young as be does. 3 OPPOSITEiS. The dapper little ribbon-clerk gazed langui6hingly into the dark eyes of the handsome brunette waitress. "Isn't it wonderful," he gurgled, ""how opposrtes seem to be attracted to each other?" "It sure is," agreed the beauty. "I noticed oniy to-day that the tallest man at the lunch-counter ordered shortcake." STTKLFE. Pairtomime Manager: "Come along with that elephant! What's keeping it?" Stage-Hand: "It's the back legs, sir. He's found ont that tbe front legs get thruppence a night more than 'c does. He refuses to go on unless 'c gets the same." TO . Canon Knox-Lattle told a good story at a Church Congress. He said that he remembered a lych-gate in front of a beautiful church, which had been restored and made very nice. There was painted over the door: "This, is the Gate of Heaven," and underneath was the large notice: '"Go round the other way.™ SX>MET__LNG IN A NAME. An Englishman, travelling on the Continent, engaged the services of a smart courier, and on arriving at an inn one evening he sent him for the travellers' register that he might enter his name, in accordance with the Austrian police jrefrnlations. The man replied that he Jiad anticipated his wishes, and registered him as an "English, gentleman of independent means.'' "But how did yon write my name?" "I can't exactly pronounce it, but I copied it faithfully 'from MHor's portmanteau." "But it is not there. Bring mc tbe book." What was our traveller's amazement a* finding, instead of a very plain English. name of two syllables, the following portentous entry: "Monsieur W_-_a_t_ed< solidleather." A MATTER OF NO B-PORTANCE. Little Kitty, with arms spread well across the table, and with little tongue well out, was bending over a piece of ! paper, on which she made queer a_h_ '■ illogical dots and marks. "Darling," cried her mother, as she <_rme into the dining room and found the j curly head so low over its task, "wha_ are you doing?" ! "Oh, just writing to my friend, I__ne Smith!'' answered Kitty quietly, and resumed ter way ward scratches. Her mother suppressed a laugh as she watched the earnest little dashes scrawled across the white paper. Then she finally said, trying to speak -with as madi indifference in hex voice as had her littla daughter: "Bnt, dearest, you don't know how to write, do yon?" "No, mum-sic," replied the small scribe, as she glanced round pityingly at her ! parent. "But what does that matterS ____Le Smith cant read!"