Weltide Test & Story

Auckland Star, Volume XLIII, Issue 306, 23 December 1912, Page 2 (Supplement)

Weltide Test & Story

'My wife is going to give mc a • lining room rug for a Christmas prc--rr.i." •• \nd what ;ir. \ ->v g"i:.g to give : L'-r'" "1 mink I'll get ; r .1 gun!" I A; ,i Christmas ,Li mi, r i:i \N":\.-hi?igt ■n-\ • a -■ iie-uian was oaiicl m-m aft.-r tho j -.. .. t -li.ik, .1 spec ::. 'l I pa-,-. .Mid I Tii]' r.rrrm: <', the law. j Mr .-« :■- :"' .!■ :V Chri-tma- .,,,„ -\! ,> 1 .■-.-..rt y"ii homo. Mi" | 'm' "J '] ,•■,,,,im_" "1 pr-'miscd ma i ' , v ..,'.; i •:,, ~'. v. momcc ; , walk horn.- ; THE WAIT-. I Yoico from ab '- :"! -ay. '» . j '....; .-,f ~., r... !>-n- ! .w;, Caere. W-udc ]!.■: "1 '• t- : \ ;. iik ■■ 1 mai.ly man \\ :~t :- v . I.' • •>: a 'P mi v mi.n . ' j ijirrr. MoM.-piN.irs. af'er tii.' ': i ! mik \ - ; ' iii'Ti',; hiy •! ■ tain i' 1 >'■•<< -■ CX"i I 1 >' . IN I'KKI-isrED. ■V,v" ■ ,>ii_-!i;::i;i> -iid the young lailv -tii-ii'- ! . one i >r the i hn.~t.iiun hol'ni.ivr-: "when i 2"t interested in a subject I n.i 1 r -tip untii I have era-'Dr.i.-i it t'.ioi eic'iiA . ' t 'That'? ii t," - 1 -i - tii' 1 he si: ating re; !y r.f Co I, Itih'lli V : "- "1 ln - "" —'' l 0 >'"'' th'Tik l':a an in , n,-t.ng subject." i TIMi: IT WAS BLRIED. \ i 'Ta[-a." -ai i Pin-inn- Tr ad'.vay. inst i ::->:ne 1 •• tii,' ' lin-imas h ■! d.i\ s. | "Now. "!'on.i'i\ ." rori c 1 Mr. Trenl ' : iv:ii. • [ shall -ni\ answer or.c more : quc-tion to-day. So be careful what iou , arik." * ! "Yes. papa.'' t "Well, go on." ''Why don't they bury the Dead Sea?" CONVICTED. Last Christmas Day a postman was ■ hurrying alone; on his r unci, when he ; was accosted by a lady at lh.' door of a I large house. 1 "Are you the regular postman?" "Yes. mum." "Do you come in the morning?" I "Yes. mum."' : "And in the afternoon?" "l's, mum." eagerly expecting a "tip." "(ih. then, it must have be n you who; - broke our bell! " ' > TURNING THE TABLES. ! ; Raving done his best, by every fair | j and unfair means, to catch the candidate : '. tripping, the heckler grew offensively : I "Is it true that your mother washes—" ', Ihe began, but before he could add the i word "clothes" the witty candidate : 1 called out smartly, "Of course she does;; why. don't you?" ; 1 ihis raised a loud laugh at the heck- ' j ler's expense, but. still undaunted, he • returne-1 to the attack. I "You can't deny." he said, "that your i father was a ran and bone man: 1 bought some clothes oil' hint 30 years asro!" "An'l I see y.ni'ri' still wearing them!" was the candidate's lightning retort. There was no more heckling that j night. j WITH MALICE AFORETHOUGHT. A man who wished to g've his wife I a lace scarf as a. Christmas present, bit i had no desire to pay an extravagant i price, said: "1 v nt you to buy a lace soarf for j Cousin Alice for Ohistmas. Choose I something nice—something you would ■ get for Yourself." 'The wife, however, had her own idcaas to generosity in buying presents, and i tiie purchase, when she made it, con- ; sistcd 01 a very simple article. I "H'm:" said the husband. "Is that j what foil would havp chosen for yourIsel!':"' "Exactly!" eh-e replied. "Well, my dear, keep it: I meant it for you." he told her, with an amiable smile. A BRILLIANT IDEA. "Stop!" cried the man in the road. "iO.i are exceeding the sj-eed limit!" "That'- ail nonsi nse." retort, d Smithkins, bringing Ins car to a standstill. "i'iiatV- what they all say." sa : d the mm in the road, climbing into the ear. "1 "ii '.mi tell vonr story i„ t ; : ,, inspector at Drury—just =eve n miles un the ro id. Start along, please." : They drove on in silence to Drurv, wiien . as the car drew up in front of tiie poo-e station, the man in the road got : out. "Much obliged for the lift," said lie. : "You can settle tli.it matter of speed with the inspector if y.-u want to. As I a stranger in these here parts. I don'; think my word would go for much."

PLAYING AT HOSPITALS. Winnie : I lr.aw I'm ba'l. doctor. Vcs n:y fool- -.sleep, iind things arv prcttv bad wlit-n yon go to slcey at tne end ! 16 v,'- . - - ■•! : _ ' NAILER Householder- "H- --\ or■•;• t.i -.: con: an-! ■-'•■-. r in: "' B']"_*!3-: "You ':<•• -pi c:. or !".l '.Tike Tour .1 fe and r ' ■ '>--r : :i> '~-: tor 1 f..ni:i i in v r.ir pock--':." THE VERY LAYEST. "HerOS !,-,-■,.;;: t;j ;;",; ~ n k 10 lo\ i.-.t i." "What!" lt= J " Q Pr " " i I HUE I.AN-i" V.V \>\ UN. I I M >?-* ••-ur .i ' !-' •<>•.•: "i • i ".vtnd up re ! cl »-k '. i make h :« _ ■ ' Kiisr! *h Tutor: "Ex u-rlv." , M msieur do Franoe; "Zen what for ' tou .v.rid. up ze to make it SI op?" DIFFERENCE WITH A DISTINCTION. "\\"t 11. Willie."" a-ked pranrima. after the i hristmas dinner, "have yon had all j the dinneT you v,:uit'" •"No." answered the boy. "but I've had a.. I :iu eat.'' ONE AMON'i; MANY. Mr Dinks: It- very kind <<i yon. Marl ito trot :.]>> a .rL-tm .- :.;,x.'but ' I'd rjther buy :v,y i-il'.u- niv-.if. Seven f.jr a -hilling C ratin-r t-«i ehoap. \' !T;uk s : I Know it'- ,'i.ap; but 1 I th »:_'.'. there :;:u.-t be ~ne tto'-d one in | the -yen. j 1 ' I ■

All tlie camera could show of Johnny after his Christmas dinner. HOW IT EEC AN. She hurried down th- stairs to join her hr.-lurd uho :\ i- v, litin' to go out "i a. J .ic-!t !" -h" c:ied. ">\ait a mom <■■•-.■. you " "1 --v r -.'.v anything like it!" ex elriinr i ...irk i: ::■.; ; e;it .>. "Yott alwaw "' 'ii ! _'o ;:;ir-'.dtr.- and _''•; what you "»'!• 1 Ei- v ': -i.' -ilea anything. " 1 gn. . ,-•! uhr ne\t. I wonder? ■■'■'-■•■■■ >-!!" -'.<•■ 'i:! :r -:.Lh ---then wiiy CO-iM: t v., , ;,■:; -r. ■■ Ul , :„.■ ~,. j n t . ~')

Mistress : " Jane, I don't thini Jane (reinming a few moments Oiis is the bird I ordered. Just later) : " Here are the waits, mum. i gun. and fetch mc the -weights." j

Hobby ion l.'hris-tmas morningl : "Where .i.iPa Santa flaus get all his liiinvt'. 111. num. i':" Mamma: "')': i, in- buys them." i!..bby: "Weil, hf must be a jay to let nr.inne palm ulf a tin watch on him!" (;iif«t alining at merry (.'-hristmae party i: "T.imnn. where Jo turkey, come 1 ::'"in''" : lornmy ([jointing to that on the tal-b'i: "I>nnno: but ma got thus one !>".p a irimp f..r a .-holing, Vauoo he -.11 ihe stole it. Didn't he, im!" TIIK (,Ti\;:nXOK AS A HUfRMAM). j A w...mail ■ f tile Middie West "I j A.-iie-i- i. ~„e of the b.-i -known women ' j in iier nil State, i- a< fond of telling el.-., ,• -i,,rie- a- her husband is of the , ■■"- '■:■ "'" -'•><""■?• I \\ hdc a' a dinner recently in their I home -he reiaied :,, the guests the following anei.lo'e: \t a I'ri'Nl inaugural ball given in of the -overnor elect whether -lie e;i- j j0,,-,1 'he society and hum of the capi-i I.e. i:i-l wi- rather startled to hear her ■■- ~-iety: Weil. land's sakes! I j should -iv I w.i- enjoying it: and hum I I'iet. ->:; r.i ft. : mi;.per. W.iv uouhl | v.c- I-.- '■■■<. ■- an hu-bin.i h iin'l j h '1 V.\ h :,! hi- !,■,;.■ out of hi- uiouih in j :u ■■ ': ■«... week-:" "Saturday Kwn- j CIiOKIMi 111 M OFF. i Mr. Sling,-,. »,,- riltier proud of his J "»:i pi: lie'ilar method of dealing with i'o!io-,\ing his u-iial custom, h.' opened J the door himself, and allowed the urchin to begin. This i- exactly what followed: - Urchin: "Wi-h you a merry Christmas. sir!" o Mr. S. : •■Just so!" j h I rehin: "An' a 'appv \ew Year'" " Mr. S. : ".li.-t so'" ' | t Urchin i doubt fully 1 : "An'—an - —all n the re-t of it. sir!" ' , ' Mr. S. : -.lust >.:" < : t-' I h.-re »-.i, :,:, impressive sib-lee. and " Mr. S. Haltered himself that he hid ■' crushed the young hopeful. lint he •'.' hadn't. , I' guv'r.or." ewlaimed the urchin. "it wouldn't hurt ver >. er .- much to say " •S.-me to yei-.' w'.i.'d it : : If y, , are p wr. yer ear, at 'e:i-i be perlitef" P liy the time Mr. S. had' re.-overed his P breath his yisitor had swa::gerpd down the steps. ' fi

(.'OOSK AND STITFIN". I Farmer Jenkins believed in the good] old-fashioned idea of giving ail the farm. ( ' hands and labourers a real l'ooJ i hri-t- : mas feed at tip' fe-ti', c season. lie de termini-.1 to gi\e them soui'-thini; to re I member this vrar. and ordered the feast i r " to start V. ith soup. !o be followed by '■ goose, roa-l beef, an I unlimited supplies: .; plum puddino. 'I'ie- farm hands dniv ' a-sembled, and. having t'.i-r •-.! all d iv. .- , 1 as to be in good trim for the i hrisimas feed, were pi eparci to m ike i in- slipplb-- a hck foob-h. ' 1;,,-t 0,,.,-,. and b ■•■(' \ were ill tle-v e.\ p.'-.-! ,-d. " I'p-. whit's (in- 'ere." said -a di-up pointed sturdy -' 01 of toil, when a huge plite of soup was placed before him. | •'You've forgotten the goose and stub ■ fin. 1 don't want ail gravy!" I

" V DECEM-BERRIES ! i

" SISTER ANNE, SISTER ANNE, DO YOU SEE ANYONE COMING ? "

THE WISH WAS HUSBAND TO THE THOUGHT. "You see.'" he exclaimed, as he showed her the wishbone of the Christmas turkey, "you take hold there and 1 take hold here. Then we must both make a wish, and pull, and when it breaks the one who has the biggest part of it will have his or her wish gratitled."' "Rut 1 do not know what to wish for," sin- protested. "Oh. you can think of something." he said. "No. I can't." she replied; "I can't think of anything I want very much." "Well. Ell'wish for yon!"' he exciaimed. "Will you really?" she asked. "Yes."' "Well, then, there's no use fooling with the old wishbone,"' she interrupted with a glad smile, "you can have mc." WON BY WAITING. It was Christmas morning, and Brown was taking the air. when a seedy-looking man strode up the garden path. ".Merry Christmas, gtiv'nor," he said, insinuatingly. "I've called for my Christ mas h,,x." "Christmas box?" said Brown. "Rut 1 don't know you. Are you the village Jus; man?" "No. sir. I'm the chap as played the cornet outside 'ere last 'ear, and you toi I mc to take my hook." "th. you are." said Brown, feeling his id -eps in a menacing manner. "And. why. pray, -hould I give you a Christ"Well. gtiv'nor." explained the supplicant. "1 ain't bin playm' this year." Ami perceiving that he had been spared some agony. Rrown parted with! a Christmas sixpence.

THAT MADE IITM LAUGH. J "Alas!" sighed the moody man. "there is no gladness for mc in this joyous season." "lut tut!" said tire optimist. "Surely there is a ray of sunshine for you. as there is for all of us if we but look lor it." "So." replied the moody one. "1 have not a single friend, and no relatives with whom I am on speaking terms." ••('beer up. then." advised Lhe other, with a shade of envy in his tone. "Can't •you be glad because you will not have to buy any Christmas presents?"

Father Xmas : " I don't mind ; I bringing presents here, hnt they ' might have cleaned the chimney. j 1 Phew ! I" I

"OH, DRY THOSE TEARS!" Rlobbs: "Miss Yellowleaf cried when I ki<ssed her under the mistletoe." Slobbs: "Cried for more, 1 suppose." A SEASO.YAP.LE PREDICAMENT. Now ha,s my Christmas joy decreased, My feelings are not. pleit-ant, Because the girl 1 love the least Sent mc the nicest present. THE VANISHED HOSTS. "This." said the artist, "is a battle scene. Time, say .the year t!000 A.]). The defending force in on the extreme right of the canvas." "! can't is,-e them," obs-erved the friend. "Certainly not; they are strongly ent reneh'sl." "Can't eel- any entrenchments." "Of course you can't. The entrenchments are skilfully concealed from "1 should think you'd show some big guns or (something.'' ".Yontsen.-.-el Th-- guns are disappear ing guns, and they have disappeared." "Weil..how about tin- attacking force?" "Over h.-rc on th,. |, ft ; , p „„ |~r cover. Veil can't expert them to cxpon ■ i iieuirselviis lo th.- . pcot a.u.r any more l.h mi lo lb,- e:--my." "Wo!!, your picture is a mere landscape." "Y,i-: but I lake it that's how a bat lie will look in lillOO." QI'ITK A COMFORT. The second floor r.M.m of the lit;].. Cdtage was decora:,-.) with a csbrivellrd j last year's C, n.s: ma,s wreatii, depend j in.' from the creasi-l and torn bin,! and on either ni-le of the wreath were pinned little Hags. I: gave the cott.ag, ! a particularly festive appearance. On, j of the neighbouring women, a broad and . j buxom person, of middle age. stopp.-d j ill parking and looked at tin- window j enrimnsly. and a* s-he did so a little obi I woman, a*- withered and shrivelled ar . th» Christmas wreath, eaane and bid hei "i lorvl morning." ! "I.'ockl mornin' to you. Mrs Oowlev." said the neighbour, cordially. "It's ce'i J bratin' ye are I see b' l.h' decorations I a::' mighty foirie they look. Ye run-: . | b"..M. in . an-:,,,:,,-." Ihe little .oil woman smiled. 'A ,k." she answered. 'Tm c.-lbratlu • i 'his f.o- T.-r.-'ie.-. ;.:,■ by. 11,-- ,-,,„, „ j horn.. ;i,is day." "I- that .-,»:-" exclaim,-.1 the neighbour '• "Terry's enmin' home. Ye don't tell mc 1 thought .he wats sent up for live years.' "So he wais," said Terenee'i, mother beaming. "Vis. he wa«s sent up f'r tiv. ( years, but he got one ye-ar oil f'r gooc behaviour." •"l"ink of that!" said the delighted ' neighbour, in syimpa.bhet.io tones. "Ft ■ good behaviour! Now. isn't it a comforl to h,ue a son like that?" 1 i

Passenger: "[ say, driver, d-iiesn't your coach ever go any faster than this." Driver: "If you're not i-atis-th-d, you can get ou! and walk." l'aseenger isweetlyi: "Oli. I'm rcot in such a hurry a- ail thai, you know." 101 J. Mns de Smyt-he: "Are you going to Mrs ,i, |; r , wn: . ■ii n ,.j, 1;lli ; ~.,; They at-- .:,- much a nu - w.c, ,- children. P.sl't \ '-v mil-: i-.. I' i.i.| -.-,. ;he cunning !i; •!e pint-king I'm _'o.n _- :-. n :ng up f.o l-ido." I'FI'KIFYINO'. She: "Oh, prolcscor! 1 saw such a funny old 1,.r->.i :n the museum to-day. 1 thought of you at once."

WHAT THE KNYEI.OI'E.S CONTAINED "Talking abo-ut Christmas-boxes," remarket! a enimneroia! traveller. "the one I got last year would be-hard to beat. Our guvnor never gave us a Chritftm:us--box. so you can imagine how surprised we were when he told us ail to go into his office, where he sat with a pile of envelopes in hif» hand. " 'Gentlrmen,' e-aid.be, 'I intend to give each of you a Ohr'stiiias present tins year. Therio envelopes contain something valuable, which I hope you wiU make good us<» of.' "Of course, we thanked him, and marohf-d out. thinking thru he was a good sort, after all. And what do you think was in the envelopes'." "A cheque':" "No; it was a confounded prescription for the cure of indigenti-on I"' TALE OF A TURKEY. On Christmas Eve. just as it was getting dusk, a bricklayer's labourer was walking down the main street of Sii surall town in the Sou! h. Coming to a poulterer's shop, lie stopped and gazed admiringly at the fowls, gam,-, etc.. displayed on the window slab. One turkey of about fifteen pounds' weight took his fan, y. After running his lingers through the coins in his trousers-pocket a few times, he decided on liavii j that turkey. Picking it up, he entered the shop. The shopman vva-s very busy. "Jest weigh this bird for mc, will ye':" said the " knight of the hod." " Why don't you take your birds somewhere else to be weighed?" snappishly replied the poulterer, without bniking up. "Oh. aye! 1 ken do that!" cheerily responded th • workman. And lie did; he took it home and had a glorious feast. THE DEAF GUEST. The Christmas dinner was on the table, the guests were all seated, and the host bowed his head an 1 began to say gra c in a subdued, reverent tone. "Eh? What's that?" demanded a deaf old gentleman who sat beside him. The. host smiled patiently, and began again in a louder, more deprecatory voice. "Speak a little louder; I don't catch what you say," the old gentleman perA low ripple of I.'lighter went round the table. The host.' his face crimson with embarrassment, raised his voice and repeated the \ ;,-. The .leaf old gcnllot/ian did his best to bear, but failed. lie placed his hand upon his host's arm. "What did rot; say?" he demanded, irascibly. The host oast at him an antrry glance. "Confound -and bust you to smithereens, I'm saying grace:" he yelled. MEANT TO HAVE IT USED. An old American farmer, who had attained considerable prosperity on .his farm in the remote West, hu.ill him.self a new house. lie declared t.ha.t it. was not tjoing to be a mere place l-o stay in. but was going to .have all the "frills." Anyway, he had a door-bell tilted, which was then a new thing in the neighbourhood. Soon after the new house -was completed Josh Ivriggs, an old neighbour, called one Sunday afternoon. 11 was plf-a.-.u;. weather, and the windows -were all open, bu; the front door was >hut. J-osh knocked a little timidly, for th" h-o-uso looked rather grand, 'the farmer, comfortably seated .n the front room, gave no heed. dash knocked a-o-ain ,i pood loud knock. Still tiie owner of i.he new man sion sat i:i the front room unresponsive. John wiped his face, puzzled and of Icnde.l. for he knew the folk wore a! borne. I ince more he tried—a loud, continuous knock that resound'-d over the cnti-f place, ■.•.■hereupon the nettled owner w-Ued. "Ring the doc--bell, confound ye! ' Don't you know nothin'?''

'. J A CHRISTMAS RACKET. An old porter was sent, on Christmas f Eve to deliver some parcels to a mansion ' on the outskirts of the town. Feeling ' 1 rather thirsty, and having hopes of a : ' good Christmas tip, be spent 'the money • he got to take the car, and trekked it. 1 A smart serving-maid opened the door to him when he got to his destination, to : I whom he said: - M "That wis a hard walk 'A had; ye 1 | ken 'Am bothered wi' shortness o" ) braith." 1 | " I'ooi fellow!" she replied; "jest wait | a iTjreuit." s j When she returned she handed him , '-a small brown paper packet, at the '' i same time saying: " When ye've swallowed that yell hae plenty o' braith tae walk back." The parcel contained a large Spanish onion. -. BARREN SoLL. j The Christmas waits were doing their ' best to create discord in the neighbours hood, when a local wag approached the !; J leader. "You are strangers round here, aren't you?" he asked. '" " "Yes," answered the leader. "We ] thought we would touch up this quarter, | '" as the residents seem to be a hit classy; r - in this part."' - s "Well." said the wag. "I'll put you on '<' a good thing. Come with mc." Six men followed him obediently. They " stopped opposite a very large nouse, apr - parentlv occupied by a rich gentleman. 1- J ••Here's' a place where music Is appro-! ! Hated. If you play on for an hour or j d i so I'm sure you will be rewarded hand j 1 ; somelv." -• : The' waits had played thent*elves nl-I f 'most out of breath, when the night. 1 ' policeman approached, laughing convnl- j I-ivelv. "WE.V are you liughir.g at. -ir'" s | demanded the loader. o- :; Why, man." answered the policeman. '• •rla= he clung to the railing foi support, ■! '"you are playing before a deaf nnd dumb; ' institute." J

Mrs. Shiftless: "There! I've hung up. the children's stocking. 1 wonder what Santa Clans will bring;!" I Mrs. Cutting: -Well, if h-', at all ob ! serving hell bring some darning cotton j and need!e<!" , Mrs Skinflint: "Oh. John! M.iry, the I parlourtnii !. his jut-.; <iv.iil.)wnl a shil j line' Whatever vial We 'In';'' | <>!,] S':i.nlioi; : ■!) .; We!!, r suppose | we'd better lei he r keep it. She'd have j expected a < 'hrisl in i s.i>- ,\. anyhow!" | sins of mi-: fathers. Crabsvhaw: "I've preach 1 and preachfcd to tha.t boy ah. .11.; .-e'.ng lecrilfu! hir he merely laughs at in.-." i .Mrs Cra.bs.haw: "N,, winder. You put ; 3 all ;he Im-: presents in the top of h:s| Christmas stocking." SOME NEYERS. I Never leave home with unkind words, j Never laugh at the misfortunes of others. [ Never give a promise that you do not full.l. • j N-'vit send a present, hoping for one I j in 11'! urn. ! ' N'i icr fail to be punctual at the time! j appointed. j N"'.cr ;.'n s,. n! . ~ „;/ t saving it is „\ ■ no use to yours.df. ' ' \ ■ I Ne-.er ipiestion a servant or a child ' \ I about l'amil.\ matters. I .si \er lei-T- hi a u ;!i you made or a 1 ;'a\ our you hay,- r- til 'led. LOOKING A CUT HORSE IN" THE I MOUTH. I M. Jules Claretie tells a story of Mine. I l-ludith's arrogance in th.- days of her i ; Ix.uity and talent. A -pectatur had; 1 thrown a bouquet as a tribute of admiration. It was not quite the most nia!_'niliecnt bouquet that the world had ever seen, and she looked at it disdainfully for a long time, as if considering '.■whether it was worth while to pick it 1 up. Finally, she did .so. with an air of I scorn, iu-t a.s the curijin was filling,! 1 and then, turning to iier fellow-player-. ' I '•< lood gracious! Look at thai!'' she , j .said. "These people will be throwing," lus oranges presently.*' THE WHALE'S BABY. 1 refuse to be a party to this story. ! but that need not matter, because Wil-I j liam Teiin.'inl. sometime harpooner in- j I cliii I" ot ttie whaling brig llampagcr Hap- | . ; lain Aaron Macintosh 1. who related the I circumstances, personally guarantees , ; their accuracy. This is near enough to : the way William spun the yarn to mc. j "We had three or four makeshift , j stations along the Maoriland coast, with ! headquarters at Tokonui, between the Bluir and Waikawa. Well, one fine day ! when we had the boat.* away out of ' j there on the tail of a school of sperms. , ■we separated a bull, cow, and calf, and , j ran them close in to the mouth of the j Tokonui River. The cow was killed 1 without much trouble, but the bull I played up blue blazes before they settled 1 him: and in the 'middle of the infernal ( scuffle the calf was washed over the bar j and became a prisoner.'' 1 Here William wet his whistle—at my j i expense. I " Yes. Well, the next thing was to i know what to do with the blessed kid, j for nobody had the heart to kill it. j llowsomever. there seemed nothing else ! ; j for it. seem' as the mother what used to [ 1 feed it was no more, as you might say; , I when the old man says: " What's the , j I matter with bringin' the youngster up on the bottle?" 'Xatchcrly. what the old man suggested was good enough to ! try. so we drove the baby up on to the j beach, and put a bellyful" of goafs milk j down his gullet. At iirst go off he didn't take kindly to the business, but in a j few days be grew used to it. and lined ' lup regular to the staging every morning < as soon as th? sun heaved its anchor up. j j and every evening at two-bells. Then 1 I the cook'used to drive a she-goat down, i I milk it while the whale pup waited, audi jdo the f"cdin' out of a square-face." At this point William whistled that it was dry work. 1 "Yes. And the old she-nanny soon ' ! began to take a motherly interest in the : I proceedings: and. by-'n-bye, when she i felt lonely-like, she used to go down to j the staging and blear for her fambly: j and no matter where the fambly was it • I always came larrtipin' along. Well, to |. ' make :i hmg story short, the two became I Iso attached to one another that the i goat would jump on the whale's back on ' tine afternoons and rid-> far out to sea j for by this time we had deepened the! | channel to let our friend have some freedom— and I never saw her come home I with even her toe-nails wet. Sometimes ' I the cook would tie a .bundle of grass on I > i the whale's back when the pair was' ■ j goin' one of these excursions, and then I I the two of them would go off for the > 1 whole day round Stewart Island or sorne--5 j where. And there «as more'n pleasure "j in it for us. 1 tell you it was the best 1 j bloomin' day's work we ever did when •I we saved that there voting whale's life j j For why? Because he used to go round j amongst the schools outside, and tell '"in w hat sort of a g,„„l place he had i got on to. and tlii-v used, to come up th" channel in siring: (~ have a squint ; round, which vas the cml of 'em. There 1 wasn't n one of us didn't make a fortune 1 down there, ami But T didn't wait for the rest. I wis) afraid 1 might begin to doubt William if 1 heard any more, and I'd hate to ,!,, ! that. •••■ I'uketapu." in the •• Bulletin."

! Tommy: "We're going to move soon." n Sammy: "How do you know?" Tommy: "How do I know? Didn't mc mother lemme break a winder t'other i day, and didn't say nothin'?"

THE CHRISTMAS PRESENT. Painstaking Peter (-with pardonable pride) : " There, auntie—it's a. j c little armchair that I've been; making for you." HOW WHISTLER COT MARRIEO. j Whistler was all hi- life a most surI pri-ing person, and his marriage was not ~ ' less -tariling than tiie other events in i his career. Henry l.abouchere. in l' j "Truth," thus de-cribed how it caane c j "1 believe that I am responsible for ~ i hi- marriage to the widow of Mr Cod- ,, I win, the architect. She was a remark- ( j ably pretty woman, and very agreeable, ,1 and both he and she wen- thorough f, liohcmians. 1 was dining with them and ,] some others one evening at Earl's Court. rt They were obviously greatly attached to , r each other, and in a vague sort of way they thought of marrying. So 1 took -• the matter in hand to bring things to a i practical point. j " •.limmv.' I said, 'will you marry Mrs ~ ; Oodwin?' " i " •(■■,-•.linly.' be replied. | "'Mis Oodwin,' 1 said, "will you marry -■ i.limmv"' , ; " ■( er, .inly.' she replied. i " -\\ lieu?' 'i a-1,,-1. r i •••oh. -~mc day. -aid Whistler. t , | "•That won't do.' I said: 'we must " ! have a date.' r J "So they both agreed that I should ~ .choose the day. what church to come to <J , for the ceremony, provide the clergyI man, and give the bride away. 1 fixed .(! I an early date, and got the then Chaplain 'r jof the llon-e of Commons (the Rev. Mr -t Hvng) to perfo'-m the ceremony. It 'took place a few days later."

11Y INSTALMENTS. One day Harriet Reecher Stowe was leaving for Florida. .Mark Twain suddenly remembered the fact, and skipped across the road early in the morning to say farewell. When" he came back, Mrs Clemens said: "Why, Youth (she -always called him Youth), you haven't on any collar and tie!" He said nothing, but went to bis room, did up a neat little package with those articles, and sent it to the fdd lady with a note saving. " Herewith receive a call from the rest of mc." The author of ■• Uncle Tom's Cabin "" was equal to the occasion. She wrote b..ck a hasty letter saving that he had discovered a new principle -- how to make calls by instalments. THERE'S MANY A SLIP. Jinks will never forget last Christmas Day. On the o.lrd hi' received two letters by ire iinst post. One was from his friend. Jack Smith, asking him to play in a cricket match on Ch.rhst.nras morning; the .other was an invitation from his employer, whose name was also Smith, to spend Christmas Day at his home. Now. Jinks had long admired from afar his employer's only daughter, so this invitation was like opening the g..tos of Paradise to him. He promptly sat down and wrote a brief no'e of acceptance on an elaborate sheet of note-paper, while to his other friend he sent, a scrawl across an odd hal-f sheet. On Christmas morning Jinks was s-ur-pr.is.ed to see Jack Smith birrsit into his room, exclaiming: - "Why. aren't you ready?" "Rerdy? I wro*o a.n<i told you I couldn't play." "Nonsense! You wrote mc a courteous note accepting my invitation. 1 took your excr-s-sive poiit en-e=s as a joke." "Then the guv-nor got the scrawl in tended for yon:" Jinks gasped. "What did it say, old man?'' •'"Doar Smith, —Rats : I've 5..-m"t.',un-I bettor on!' "

1 I 4.—He is arrested for begging fron> gent, in a. -top hat ! THE DIFFERENCE. "Hallo. Brown! Get anything thi? Christmas?" "i<s; got a sovereign."' "Ah, hung up your stocking, eh?" "No. Hung up my watch." WELL-INTENTIONED. "What is the use of this article!" asked a shopper. "I really don't know," replied the clerk; "T think it is. intended to be sold for a Christmas present." SUPERFLUOUS CHRISTMAS BOX. Mother: " Yes. Rupert, the baby was a Christmas present from the angels." Rupert (aged four! : "Well, mamma if we lay him avray carefully, and don't use him, we can give him to somebody else next Christmas." DOMESTIC ECONOMY. Mrs. Faulte: "She isn't a very good manager, is she?" Mrs. Finde: "No. indeed. Why she had to buy four extra turkeys, so as not to waste the stuffing she had made for one." WEIGHTS VERSUS MEASURES. New Governess: "Now. Tommy, sit tip, and tell mc -what ar; 'Weights and Measures." '* Tommy: "Please. Mis.- Jones. 'Wait' are people who come howling outside at Christmas time, and 'Measures' are whit papa says he'll take to stop 'em!" ; A TRAGEDY" OE CHRISTMAS. llt was Christmas Eve. A beautiful woman S3t staring dolefully at the em- ! hers of the fire. "Christmas Eve." she murmured, "and no money to buy baby a Christmas gift."' Slowly her eves wandered round,!! lß room until, with a guiity start, they rested on .-o-n"ihin" standing on the l i • I mantelpiece. It was lnl.v's moneybox! Her hands clutched the'chair convulsively. i " If I only da.-cd." she murmured. "Bid I what wo-:l,| Johti -a v ':" i For a few motue v- -he -tood debating the awful oue-tion in her mind, and 1 then -he took 'the box in her hands. _ " John ;. Ed neve'- know." she wni ; " pored: then with uwil-iv fao- .-he broke I ope- the box and emptied on to the ! table a collection -f - tintaeks. nails, etc John had be mi there firvt!

A SPECIAL FAVOUR. ; Old lady (who has just seen a royal procession on the rtnomatograpM' " And the Queen-dear, kuxd lady!_did you see the smile she gave «*''