MARK TWAIN'S DROLLERIES.!

Auckland Star, Volume XLIII, Issue 305, 21 December 1912, Page 17

MARK TWAIN'S DROLLERIES.!

AMUSING STOHIES OP AMERICA'S GEEATEST HUMORIST. Although so much has been ■written concerning the humorous character of the late Mark Twain and his writings, people will read viith avidity and interest the biography which has just been published by Harper's; for it provides a particularly intimate picture of the great humorist and the circumstances which led to his unique fame. Mark inherited no small amount of hnmonr from his shrewd and loving mother. "Yon gave mc more uneasiness than any child I had," she said to him once In her old age. "I suppose you were afraid I would not live," he suggested, in his tranquil fashion. She looked at him with that keen humour which had not dulled in eighty years. "No; afraid yon would," she said. A "HUMOBOrS HALF-LIAR." Twain's success has been said to be due half-liar on earth." But his mother saw early in life that his gift of exaggeration, which formed so large an element in his humour, was not untruthfulness. "Sam i» a well of truth." she said, "but you can Dot bring it all up In one bucket": and at another time. "I discount him ninety per cent. The rest is pure gold." As a boy TwaiD had three ambitions —to be a circus performer, a printer, and a Mississippi pilot, the last two of which were realised. When he became Mississippi pilot Twain was fond of spinning yarns in the Pilots' Association Booms. Here is one which is recalled by a fellowwaterman. "We were speaking of presence of mind in accidents—then be said: 'Boys. I had great presence of mind once. It was at a fire. An old man leaned out of a fourstorey building, calling for help. Everybody in the crowd below looked up. but nobody did anything. The ladders weren't long enough. Nobody bad any presence of mind—nobody but mc. I came to the rescue. I yelled for a rope. When it came I threw the old man the end of it. He caught it, and I told him to- tie it round his waist. He did so, and I pulled him down. ,, REMARKABLE RESULT OF PROFANITY. Mark Twain's language at times was, tc say the least, somewhat strong, and hb. life-long friend, Steve Gillis, who was a merciless joker, could never resist the temptation of making "Sam" swear, claiming that "his profanity was grander than any music." On one occasion Twain and GUlis took np quarters in a quiet street of San Francisco. "But next morning a doj: began to howl. Gillis woke this time to find his room-mate standing in the door that opened out into a back garden, holding a bjg revolver, hit hand shaking with cold and excitement. •• -Come here, Steve,' be said. 'Come here and kill him. I'm so chilled through I can't get a bead on him.' " 'Sam,' said Steve, "don't shoot him. Jnst swear at him. You can easily kill him at that range with your profanity." -Steve Gillis declares that Mark Twain then let go such a .scorching, singeing blast that the brute's owner sold him next day for a hairless Mexican dog." Regarding profanity, Twain once laid down" this rule: "When angry, count four: when very angry, swear." and in his later years he complained that "there ought to be a room in this house to swear in." One of the drollest things Twain ever •wrote was his letter to Qneen Victoria, on the application he received from the British Income Tax Commissioners, praying for a remission of the taxes. "Ton will not miss this sum," he wrote: "but this is a hard year for authors, and as for lecturers, I do not suppose your Majesty ever saw such a dun ceasen." SPONTANEOUS DROLLERIES. Twain's spontaneous drolleries were irresistible. When a joke of his had fallen flat and had been received in silence by an audience, he remarked: "A crowd like that can make a good deal of silence when they combine." It was Twain, too. who, when a reporter came to him with the rumour that he was dead, gave the classic answer: "Tell them that the report Is grossly exasperated." while he once started an article: "Reader, suppose yon were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself . . ."

When he was ill hundreds of quacks wrote advising him to take their medicines. To all of them he sent the following circular: "Dear Sir (or Madam).—l try every remedy sent to mc. I am now on No. ST. Yours is 2,653. I am looking forward to its beneficial results."

Twain, however, had his moments of melancholy. "The man who Is not a pessimist Is a fool.' , he once wrote. "I always

euvy the dead.*' And when urged by his friends to leave the "eternal round" of rest, he replied, "The country home I need is a cemetery." A JOKE THAT FAILED. One of Mark Twain's characteristics In later years was his absent-mindedness, and, taking advantage of this, some of his friends, on one of his many returns from Europe, plied him with boxes of cigars, which he accepted. At New York the jokers stood round to see the usual Customs fun, but they had not calculated well. The Customhouse official recognised the name on the box. "Oh, Mr Clemens, excuse mc, we had orders to extend to you the courtesies of the port. No examination of your effects is necessary."