THE STORYTELLER.

Auckland Star, Volume XLIII, Issue 181, 30 July 1912, Page 2

THE STORYTELLER.

A MABIMONIAL PLEA. Teacher: Johnny, tell mc who Patrick Henry.'was, and what did he do? Johnny: Patrick Henry was a young man and he lived in Virginia. He had bine eyes and light hair. He was married and he said, "Give mc liberty or give mc death." NO USE GETTING EXCITED. There were several people in the shop when the stranger entered, and so he addressed them at large. "Any of you drive up here in a trap?" "Yes," said Farmer Crabbe, "I did. Why?" "An old grey horse in the trap? - ' ' "Yes, but "' "And an elderly lady on the seat ':" "That's right: "but " "I suppose she can manage the old horse?" "Rather; I just think she could! Why, she's drove him since he was a two-year-old." "Oh," said the stranger, "then it's all right. I merely asked because the grey horse has started up the street like a scarified mad bullock, and the old lady's hanging on to the back of the trap, screaming 'Murder' ! Still, if she. can manage him, of course there's no use getting excited over it. How's the price of taters down your way?" DIPLOMATIC. The lady in the front seat had removed her hat simply to put a feather straight. "What splendid hair!"' exclaimed the gentleman seated behind her, in a whisper which the lady could not help but hear. Needless to say, the lady kept her hat on her knee for the remainder of the evening, much to the satisfaction of the gentleman. I NEW VERSION OF AN OLD JOKE. This is a new version of the old story about an Irishman who was painting a fence, and who worked fast so that he might get the job finished before the paint gave out. Our grandfathers laughed at that joke, before our grandfathers bought razors. The new version is up-to-date, but the old point still sticks I out. "I have a touring car and I have j a chauffeur. The latter is a bright Italian boy, and an invaluable servant. The other nifjht, ten miles from home, but inside the city limits, I observed that he was putting on a burst of speed. 'Slow down a bit, Giuseppe,' I warned him; 'we'll be arrested if we keep on at this speed.' '"Reuse mc, mister boss,' he answered; we're ten mila from home, an' only got enough gas 'for free mila. Kef we no hurry we never mak' eet!" DISCUSSING THE STRIKE. •Taggers was fumbling at the keyhole about 2 a.m the door being bolted and barred inside. After a while an upstairs window opened, and a woman's stern voice called: "What do you want? Where have you been till this hour?" "I wanter come in. darling," he replied meekly. "Been down to th' club 'scussin' the coal shstrike." "Very well, then," was the icy response. "Now you can go back and discuss the lock-out." A SLOW STARTER. Jones was taking a walk in the country when he was surprised to find a man perched on the top of a sign post which bore this inscription: "This will take you to Liverpool." Jones was quite unable to make out why the man sat there, so he called out, "What are | you up there for?" "Begorra," the man replied, "I've been fittin' here for two hours, and I'm wondering what time it starts." THEN SHE HURRIED BACK. When Mrs Mulligatawny arrived at her holiday haunt, to her dismay she found that her watch was missing. Thinking that she had probably dropped it on the thick, soft dining-room carpet, she wired to the maid at home: — "Let mc know if you find anything on the carpet in dining-room." A few days later she received a letter from the maid as Hows: — "Dear Madam,l was to let yon know if I found anything on the dining-room carpet. This is what I found this morning: Three champagne corks, 18 cigarends, five cigarette-ends, 36 burnt matches, and one pink satin slipper." REFERRED TO DR. WILEY. "Somebody's been trying to stump Dr. Wiley, I see," said Hanks, "by asking for a definition of hash." "That oughtn't to stump anybody," said Blithers. "Hash is nothing but a recurrence at a subsequent meal of the conglomerate remnants of a previous repast."