Merrier Moments

Auckland Star, Volume XLIII, Issue 167, 13 July 1912, Page 14

Merrier Moments

"When did you meet your wife?"' "We got engaged on a sea voyage."' "My, you must have felt very ill!" Wife: "I really believe you married mc simply bee-aus- I have money." Hub: "You're wrong. 1 married you because I thought you'd let mc have. some of it." I Wife: "Did you post that letter I: gave you Hubby: Yes. dear. 1 cat- • ried it in my hand, so I couldn't forget it, and I dropped it iv the first box. • I re-member, because Wife: "There, dear, don't lie any snore. I didn't give you any letter to pos_." An old bachelor, -through no lault of hi., was looking at a little bahy, and was expected to admire it, of course"We'll, Mr Blink.ns," said the proud young mother expectantly, "i. it not very "lovely:"' "Yesthat is to say —er ——about how* _Jd must such a baby be, Mrs Tompkins, 'before it begins to look like a human being?"' An old lady, with the good of mankind at hearrt, handed a tract to a cabman who was waiting for a fare. To her great surprise the cabby, after glancing at the heading, ____d-d it. back with the words: "Sorry, ma'am, but I'm a married man." Her confusion was great when she saw the 'heading was "Abide with mc." A rural magistrate, listening to the testimony of the witness, interrupted him. saying: — "You said that you made a personal examination of the premises. What did you find?" "Oh, nothing of consequence," replied the witness. ""A beggarly ac-count of ernrity boxes,' as Shakespeare says.*' "iNever mind -what Shakespeare said about it." said the magistrate. "He will be summoned to testify for himself if he knows anything about the case." "Here is some money, my love,"' said the h_-banrl. "I don't want any," replied the wife. '"Come, now, darling, take this five-pound note and go out shopping."' "Thank you deairest, but I really don't .are to. I would rn.he.r stay at home and help the maid." Then the husband woke and found, as the reader has already suspected, that h. ■had be.ii dreaming. JUSTIFICATION. A Britisher in Australia called at a lonely farm, and after receiving a meal from the comely woman who evidently ruleel the household, he asked if she were married. "Why, yes, I am," .he replied proudly. "You'll find my husband working in the garden if you want a chit with him." The stranger sought th" alleged garden, but there was no one to be seen but a bent old Asiatic. ' -There's only a Chinaman outside," he said to the "woman. "Surely, he isn't your husband?" "And why not. die demanded. 'The woman at the next farm married a Scotsman!" A MISCND___-TANT> ING. An Australian politician tells of Lite tin]-- when lie was driving through a •hilly section of his native State partly for plea-tiro ami partly on business connected with his political hope-. He came to a farmhouse- where there was a nice-looking well and windmill, and he pulled in and asked the farmer if he might have a drink. "I'm sorry, sir."' said the farmer. "I'd certainly like to accommodate you, but I can't. If you'll just drop into Jones' place, 'bout a mile furtihe. on, maybe you can git .omelihin'." "But I thought I noticed a fine well here on your place:'' '"Why. that's water! I didn't know you wanted --.iter: 1 thought you asked mo for a drink. You can have all the water you want, of course." 111-- RULING PASSION. One cold winter day some railway official., while making an inspection of a large yard, stepped for a moment inside a switchman'- shanty to got warm. Among .hem. was a general superintendent, who was known to 'have a mania for "scientific management.'' and t.he reductiion of excuses. As they were leavj ing, the switchman asked the travelling yard-iaster. whom he k_ew: "Now. can ye be tellin' mc who thot man is?" "That's the general superintendent."' the y_-__i__-ter replied, "What do you think o' thot? He's a foino lookin' mon, and ye never would believe the tales ye are af.er hearin' about him.*' "What have you heard about him. Mike?" was the curious question. "Woy, they do say that, be was at the. funeral of Mr Mitchell woirfe, and •when the six pallbearers came out he raised his kind and said: -told on a minute, boys, I think yez can get along without two of thim.'"

THE MAIN POINT. "I see," said Wiggles, "that Bobby Fancier and his wife have got a divorce. ••Really?" said Jiggles. "What a mi case. Who gets the custody of the poodle?"' WI KEY'S TT-OTJBLE. "What's the trouble, wifery,' "Nothing." "Yes there is. What are you eryiii" about, something that has happened at homo, or .omctlting that happened ia a novel." HER LITTLJ- GAME. "I think she will make a line wife. I have been calling on hor for several month, now, and nearly always find her darning one of her father's socks." "That caught mc, too, until I found out that it was the same sock." WOMAN'S PI-ACE. "I don't know what these suffragettes want. 1 say woman has no business monkeying with politic.-." "Just what I say. Woman's place is in the bridge cluib." CABMAN AND "BUS DRIVER. A newspaper having offered a prize for the most impossible item elf local news, the competition was won hy a wildly imaginative genius, who sent _n the following brief story:—"A cabman and a 'bus-driver came into collision in the street with their, vehicles, so that their wheel, were 10-ked . "My dear sir," said the cabman, "I'm very sorry for this accident. Will you kindly excuse mc!" "Pray do not mention it. my dear sir," replied the 'bus-driver, "the fault was mine, rather than yours." And, after getting clear of each other, they bowed politely and proceeded about their business with a pleasant "good-da--."

TOOK THE SHORT CUT. There were que. lions' in geography required in the preliminary examinations for law students who aspired to admission to the bar. Among them .was: "Name ten animals that live in the Arctic zone." One .voting man wrote: "Five polar bears and live seals. N.B.Permit mc to call your attention to the fact that the quc-tion does not specify that the animals should lie of different varieties." THE VIVI I) rH__.SE. A .-tie,-essful writer was advising a .voting aspirant to cultivate "the vivid phrase.'' "In descriptive Tiring," he said, . vivid phrase is always better than halt-a-dozen paragraphs. The vivid phrase is what every writer should seek—a phrase like that used by a child the other day. "It was out walking in the street, when it suddenly eriod out-. Oh, mummy, turn an' look at that man abutter in' bricks AN AMI-51 NO COMPILATION. ; Ait ingenious per.on. .for want of better employment, compiled the following amusing paragraph by linking together the surname's of the persons whose marring, anno cuts appeared in that panti-ai'lnr morning's issue 0 the London "Daily Telegraph: — j Last Winter I met a Mcm/ English i rarer named Alsop. He was a steady Walker, but was being led along by - Constable. He was in a liroirn 'suit, with Pink Harks and be looked very tSavarir. They tell mc he had taken Cash from /-ran. '.Sidney's Kilcluni while the Cook was talking to the Groom. They were Kindred spirits and she had given him a Crust. He; was a Hardy Mann and did not ilerrit it. The Gardner was a Tiddcmon (tidyman), Cusemori deserving, and lived in a Birch Bush.