PERSONAL ANECDOTES.

Auckland Star, Volume XLIII, Issue 101, 27 April 1912, Page 15

PERSONAL ANECDOTES.

AX UXKESTD EPIGRAM.

Mr. Robert Barrett Browning, who i≤ to be President of the Robert Browning Settlement this year—as he was also in the centenary year of Mrs. Browning—■ is the only child ot t-'ne famous couple. It was on the occasion of his birth, in J 184!', that some otic —was it Lady Ashburton?—made the wicked epigram: "Now there are not two incomprehensible*, but three incomprehensible*.' , Iv spite of heredity, Mr. Browning is not a poet, but a sculptor. DEDUCTION. ! When Mark Twain in his early days was editor of a Missouri paper, a super- , stitious subscriber wrote to him saying that he had found a spider in his paper, i and asking him whether that was a. sign ! of good luck or bad. The humorist wrote him this answer and printed it: "Old j Subscriber. —Finding a spider in yourj I paper was neither good luck nor bad j I luck for you. The spider was merely i looking over our paper to see which merchant is not advertising, so that he j can go to that store, spin his web across the door, and lead a life of undisturbed peace ever afterward." A PHILOSOPHERS COOK. The following certificate of character was given by Goethe to his cook: — "Charlotte Hover has been two years in my service. ;>he can be considered a cook of some merit, and is sometimes obedient, polite, and even propitiatory. Of late, however, her uncertain temper makes her unsupportable. She cooks only according to her own fancy, is peevis-h, impertinent, rude, and provokes those who are obliged to give orders to her. Restless and quarrelsome, she persecutes ; her fellow-servants and makes their lives bitter if they disagree with her. Among her defects is that of keyhole listening. All of which may be authenticated, if required, in accordance with the new po-lk-e regulations." It is not surprising to learn that the cook tore the testimonial in little pieces. i

THE LESSER KNOWN KITCITEKER. The late f-ieutenant-fieneral Sir F. W. Kitchener lost rather than gajivod from rela-tionship with Lord Kitchener of, Khartoum. I'pon at least three occasions during the South African war his | name was put forward for important | appointment.-*, but "K. of K." vetoed them each time with the remark: "If mv brother took that, it would be put down to mere favouritism on mv part." . On one occasion Sir Walter Kitchener had to reprove a sentry of one of the Colonial regiments in South Africa for some breach of discipiJne. ""I am Oenoral Kitchener." he remarked, "and I have a good mind to have you placed under arrest." '"Oh! Come off it," retorted the man. "You ?re a? much Kitchener a3 ! am. Why. 1 have had his picture pasted up o:i the old woolshed at home ever .since he licked the blacks at Omdurman. Git!" TWO BY TWO. •The late John Dr\ den was the. shrewdest, insurance man of his time," said an insurance agent. " Mr. Dryden was intensely interested in his work. We 1 liked to give advice to agents. '"Advising mc one day, he said an agem\s success depended on the bait. His bait must lie plentiful. He would fail if it wa? like Noah's. " 'Like Noah's ?' said I.

"Then Mr. I>ryden related a dialogue he had heard in Sunday school when he was a student at Yale. The Sunday school teacher asked a little boy: '" 'How did Noah occupy himself in the ark '•'

"■ 'He occupied himself fishin',' said the litlie boy. "'A very reasonable answer," said the teacher, smiling.

" 'But he didn't catch nothinV said the little boy scornfully, ''Sα V said the teacher. "Why not •;' "'Hadn't enough bait.' said the little boy—'only two worms.'"

TOOLE'S TIP. One of Mr. J, L. Toole's little jokes gave Mr. JustTce Hawkins a great fright on one occasion, according to a story told by Miss Emily Poldene in her "Recollections." Mr. Hawkins was sitting in a cause eclebre at the Liverpool Assize;, and Mr. Toole was playing at one of the Liverpool theatre.-.; The judge sent acrosr. to say he was sitting late, and would Mr. Toole come over after the performance and have supper with him. Mr. Toole accepted the invitation. IJur- j ing supper, talking over the events of! the day. Mr. Justice Hawkins said be! should next day "give his man lifteen years." "Oh,"' said Toole, on leaving, "would you mind mc calling at the different morning newspaper offices s>vd telling them about the fifteen years'? It will be a tip for them and do mc no end of good with the —exclusive information, you know, and so on." "Good gracious no. sir!" thundered ! the. judge, and walked with Toole to I bis hotel, lucked him up, and waited until the joker was fast asleep and safe i from temptation. A TALE OF TWO THUMBS. During the spring of 1864 a company of Virginia soldiers was encamped near the home of Mrs. tiawyer, a woman noted throughout the. neighbourhood /or her charitable deeds. One day, driving by tie camp she saw a poor, sick soldier lying by the roadside, and. stopping her carriage, -talked to him for some time, asking about his health, and expressing her sympathy. She noticed while doing so 1 that on each hand he had two thumbs. | Upon reaching home she -was hannted Iby the recollection of the poor man, and ' although provisions of all kinds were ! very scare, she determined to divide with him the tew tilings she had in the house. After preparing the basket, she remembered that she had not asked hi* name, Hut recalling his deformity, wrote on the cover. "Lor the soldier with two thumbs."' Giving it-to a trusted negro, with minute directions, she sent him on horseback to the camp. She was much surprised at his speedy return, and asked how he had. managed, to !ind the man so soon. I

'Fie was de fust one I see." said Sam. "I was gwine "long, and a. soldier asked tv what I got in dat basket, and I tole him a chicken an' things for de man wid two thumbs, and he say he was de one, and 1 gi-.e him de basket." "Did he have two thumbs on each lund?" she asked.

"Well, he didn't say nothin' 'bout whaur he had 'em. He'-jeAlcay-'hecgot fcxa-.thsmW* —j* V . ..—. '