MERRIER MOMENTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XLII, Issue 137, 10 June 1911, Page 14

MERRIER MOMENTS.

"Who gave ye th' black eye, Jim?" "Nobody gave it t' me—l had t' fight for it."

"Why do you weep, my little boyj" "I've just found sixpence, aud if I give it to ma, dad'H whip mc, and if 1 give it to dad mall box my ears, and if I keep it for myself they'll .both lick mc!"

"Jenkins lost a fiver at cards last night." "Oh, well, even a misfortune like that has its bright side." "I'd like to know where the bright side to it is." "I won the money he lost."

Father: "Well, Reggie, how do you think you would like this little fellow (for a "brother?" Reggie (inspecting the new infant somewhat doubtfully) : "Have we got to keep him, papa, or is he only a sampl«\ '

A man tells of a dinner he once had at a farmhouse, on which occasion the piece de resistance was a very tough chicken. Among those at table were the farmer's two young sons. These, as well as the guests, were struggling unsuccessfully to make some impression on their respective helpings, when the younger turned to his companion. "Tom," he said, softly, "somehow I wish old Dick hadn't a' died—don't you?" DIFFERENT POINTS OF VIEW. Ruth (to parent who has just become a father for the fifth time) : "Oh, daddy, ain't I a lucky girl? Fancy! A poached! egg for breakfast and a new baby brother both on the same day!" A YOUTHFUL INTERPRETATION. The weekly lesson in the Sunday school dealt with the corrupting influence of luxury and worldliness, and the golden text was a well-known sentence that the superintendent wished all the children to remember. It sounded like an easy text to learn, and the superintendent, mounting the platform for a final review of the lesson when the school ■ assembled for exentises,* .was sure of a pleasant response from his pupils. "Who," he began, "can repeat the golden text?" A score of hands were raised and the superintendent chose a little girl with blue eyes, a well-bred, well-behaved little girl from a well-to-do and particular family, to repeat the text for him. "Well, Dorothy," he said, "you may tell it to us. Stand up. so w-e can all hear you." Dorothy stood up in the pre'ttiness of her best dress and the daintiness of her hair ribbons. "You cannot," she said distinctly, "you cannot serve God and mamma." A MAN OF LETTERS. They had parted in Whitechapel and poverty. Now, after many years, they met again in Scotland and affluence. Although fine clothes and real gold chains had altered them considerably, they knew each other at once. "Mine olt frient Isaac!" "Mine tear poy Abraham!" "And how vas de vorlt peen treating you, Issy?" asked Abraham. "Splenaid, Abe—splendid. You must come and see mc. Here is ray card. Look! 'Isaac Mcßubinstone, M.P.' " But Abraham was merely condescending. "Dot vos not so bad, Issy," he said. "Dot vos pretty veil. But here is my card. Look!" He produced it proudly. It read, "Abraham McSchnorrer, F.F.F., B.B." "Mine frient," exclaimed laaac, visibly impressed, "und yot does all dat mean?" "Dat means," replied Abraham proudly. "Three fires and two burglaries!" NO FURTHER QUESTIONS. When a noted Irish orator was in America a few years ago, he appeared at a meeting in St. Louis and delivered an address on the subject of "Home Rule for Ireland." There were 6,000 ol his countrymen in the audience. At the close of his remarks the chairman asked: "Would anyone like to ask the speaker a question?" A man in the rear of the hall, who was quite evidently under the influence of liquor, arose and said:—

"Will the gentleman tell us if there is any reason why the Irish should not be wiped off the face of the earth?"

Immediately pandemonium reigned The disturber was attacked from every quarter. Calls of "Down with him!'-

"Let mc get at him!" came from all directions.

Finally he was rescued by the policeman, and, torn and bleeding, and in an unconscious condition, was placed in an ambulance which bad been called. Order was in a measure restored. While the audience could still hear the clatter of the ambulance and the sound of its going as it conveyed its burden to the hospital, the chairman said: —

"Would anybody else like to ask a question ?"

"Work! you ain't never <w work." MW "one no

Yes, I 'aye-six months' ' ar d!»

The Shopkeeper: "Pardnn understand%-o^husb3°^ c his creditors." wnnot meet The Customer: "I don't know H, *, wants to!" mo ™ that hj

Lover: "1 thought you were .»• scream for your mother when ! f- g to you." Mabel:"l wa^^J e^ky is in the next room and s£l tO -f other heard mc!" ' "* Sh§ 1V0 «W tan

:^tnk!te^ r S^ t t China/but he gorawa7^- UaaSftr «

"*?,° a , r - e you? " he demanded of n rough-looking man fo "? M " the cellar. "The gas-man come to &„ t meter," was the reply. "Great Sc oU cried tbe householder. «T ho™? ' were only a -burglar." M W«

I suppose, said the timid younem,,, "when you recall what a handsnm ' your first husband was, consider mc for a minute/%W«? would;' P ]ied the widow, m^v l "butl wouldn't consider mS?Sj NOT HUNGRY. A generous chap is Smith. On the first of March, after drawing his sere! he was » the buffet of a hotel, with two bank friends. y A poorly clad child entered " *n„ 'pieces'?" she asked. It was a windy day "Stand there a hit; I'll |J?s plied the waiter. A moment later as ha returned with a packet of food; Smith also found his soul. Taking a flora, from his pocket, and placing it in her tiny palm, he said quizzically, "And what do you want pieces for—eh..' "Please, sir," lisped the little maid muvvers outside, an- we wants ter <>o on London Bridge, an' feed the gullsl"

"Speaking of said an old gtiJj tleman to the members oi his club, "iB saw one once that I shall never forgetl I was standing on Mont Blanc, watchj ing the sun sink in the blue waters ot I the Mediterranean. To my right th! noble Rhine irushed onward po the Black Sea, and on my left were ranged stately Pyrenees, still holding the snow; of winter. It was a scene ——" "You really must he mistaken, air," interposed a young man earnestly, "I have been on Mont Blanc, and-^ftiH^" "BalU" said the old member.''"You don't know what it was like years age. The whole face of Europe has beea changed by wars since I was thetfe young man!" CUT OUT. Two Yankees were trying to pitch the tallest yarn. Said one, "Have you beard how I shot fifty-seven rabbits aU at once? It was like this—l van oat shooting, and feeling tired, I lay dtW in the shadow of the hedge for a rest I had been lying quietly there for S0IB« time, and the rabbits, evidently thinking I had gone, came skipping 0"' of their holes in large numbers. I never moved, and after a short while W were so thick that it was almost impossible to see the grass. I turned gently over and, aiming at the nearest bunny, fired. Believe mc or not, that bullet went through fifty-seven of them as clean as a whistle!" • "That reminds mc," said his mens, "of the day I had once, fishing off an island in the South Pacific. I had » bite, and, after struggling with the fan for nearly seven hours, I managed to land it and, will you believe it? The ftSR was so heavy that the island sank eigW

inches!" ~ "Oh," said the other, "I suppose It was a whale?" , "Not at all," was the reply, "I W a whale for bait!"

Angry Mother: "Goodness! Willie, what are you doing to baby?" ffi Little Willie; "We're playin' doctor, mamma, an' I've prescribed a mud c« for himl."